Confronted friend's significant other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is never an excuse for putting your hands around someone’s neck and exerting pressure. How is that not obvious?

+1 I'm in my 50s and can't remember ever having an interaction where someone would put their hands around my neck - except for my father who abused the shit out of all of us. I would have been triggered, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually when abusers choke/strangle, it’s a sign that they might actually kill their victim. The fact that he’s threatening it and demonstrating it is definitely very concerning.

+1 I know I am going to sound like a crazy poster, but I watched a two hour special on the BTK killer. The special featured his daughter (she just wrote a new book), who had no idea about the double life her father was living. The ONLY indication she ever got that something was off (and even then it was only in hindsight) was when he got upset and started to "strangle" her older brother during an argument.

Honestly, if someone did that to me and shook me and and applied pressure, I'd likely have called the cops. I'd be done with the friend, too. And, yeah, that'll get me flamed by other posters who will say she's likely being abused and needs her circle of support more than ever. But, sorry, she's clearly in danger and ignores the fact. She's not "street smart", no matter how you think of her, and I'm not subjecting myself or risking my family being around someone like that. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I should add that BTK only did that once that the daughter knew about, it wasn't something he did on the regular.

It is a bizarre thing to do in any kind of social interaction.

[Anonymous]

No you should want her kids to find out. This might encourage them that at least one person sees through this guys BS and is willing put him in his place. Clearly their mom is a doormat and clueless. Those kids might need to reach out to you one day.

[Anonymous]

Creepy! Don’t have your dd at their house.

A friend of mine who was physically abused by a boyfriend said he would strangle her.

What is “a reformed”? That’s how you described the guy.

[Anonymous]

Y'all sound like a classy group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Creepy! Don’t have your dd at their house.

A friend of mine who was physically abused by a boyfriend said he would strangle her.

What is “a reformed”? That’s how you described the guy.

She said alcoholic or reformed. Likely means reformed alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Pretend strangling should only be something you do as a joke with people who you know well and trust.

Sounds more like he is socially tone deaf and didn't think about what he was doing vs he is a abusive murderer to be.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't agree more.

My husband has been clean and sober for 44 years. Reformed? He is a changed person, happy, joyous and free, as he puts it, and I agree.

"Back from hell", is what he calls it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have done that. Your reaction was over the top. Your poor friend.

+1

[Anonymous]

NP

Anonymous wrote:
It is rare for a woman to have an Adams Apple beyond puberty. Its reappearance might be caused by a hormonal issue. You might have it checked by an endocrinologist.

From Merriam-Webster:

The name of the bump on the front of the neck—which is found in all humans but is usually more prominent in men—has nothing to do with Adam or Eve or the Garden of Eden.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/why-is-it-called-an-adams-apple-word-history

Women have the same structure, and it can called by the same name, even if it is not as prominent as it is for men.

Sounds like OP's is still tender the day after being choked, and the surrounding tissue may be a little swollen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Adam’s Apple is sore? Are you a man????

Maybe tranny but a passable one

[Anonymous]

If your friend has ANY sense -
She will leave this loser.

Just by what he said, he could be a very dangerous individual.

She shouldn’t be putting her own children in jeopardy over a guy.

She needs to put her kids safety + welfare first.

[Anonymous]

OP again - no surprise that a few of you get kicks from insulting me. Simple anatomy lesson, the area that he applied pressure to was adam's apple which isn't prominent in women, but that is what it's called (cartilage covering the larynx). DH and I are not classless, quite the opposite. DH did not say I was over dramatic. He did have words with strangler, outside of restaurant.

It happened quickly. He easily reached over a small cafe table. There was no scene. I got nose to nose and said my peace. He quietly left.

Yes DH and I will continue to support friend's kids. They hang out at our house often. Friend is well aware of fiance's narcisstic, gaslighting behavior. I absolutely hear the posters who are commenting on the red flags. Despite this, I do not believe he would physically harm friend or kids. Honestly, he is a bit of a p**sy. Like a small dog with a big bark. Emotional abuser, yes! He definitely senses my dislike for him. He said some insulting things to her during dinner. I defended her and called him out. Friend is aware and planning to get her kids off to college before relocating, without him. Financially, they are bound at the moment. He knows we're watching closely. If she were ever in danger, she knows our home is her safety net. Some of her family members are local police department employees. She's well protected. My DS rarely goes to their home and if he does, there are many kids/adults around. He's 15 and can hold his own. The 18 year old clashes with him because she's very aware of his manipulative behavior. She's off to college soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.

No, YOU are a nightmare, and I’m sure, a terrible friend. I would flip out too if a friend’s boyfriend did that to me. And if you’re male and think this is ok, we’ll, you have other issues.

Op, my dad had anger issues and when I was a teenager, he put his hands around my neck and tried to strangle me twice. It was terrifying. The first time, I was 13-14 and our dog started barking and snapping so he snapped out of it and let go. The second time it was in our drive way (I was 16-17) and some people were walking by and started yelling at him. Both times, my mom did nothing. We don’t have much of a relationship anymore, and I would not be at all sad when he dies.

Op, you are a good friend, everyone needs someone like you in their life. Maybe that insistent will make your friend see that he is not someone she should be with. Any man who would not only joke about strangling a woman, but demonstrate on an actual person is someone to stay away from.