Confronted friend's significant other

[Anonymous]

You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

NP. And you’re the kind of person who likes to lecture people over the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

Umm not quite but nice try pseudo psych 101. It is never ok for anyone to do what he did. It is absolutely ok for anyone subjected to it to react in whatever way makes them feel safe and empowered. It is people like you, playing devil's advocate that is harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

NP
Do you even hear yourself? Maybe he just "felt comfortable enough" to choke her throat, with enough pressure she could feel it the next day?

Are you insane? SHE is not the problem. He most definitely has a problem, and he escalated it to the point it became a problem for her. That is not her fault. And from what she says, it sounds like she could have pressed charges, but didn't.

This is a very risky situation for the friend.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/16-questions-used-to-id-domestic-abuse-victims-likely-to-be-killed/
16 questions used to ID domestic abuse victims likely to be killed

Research has found that men who choked their partners were 10 times more likely to eventually kill them.

OP needs to keep herself safe, which it sounds like she is doing. Secondly, if she can, she needs to let the friend know of her concern and support, which it sounds like she has. And then keep lines of communication open, if she can safely do that.

She does not need your advice. Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

O, the irony!

[Anonymous]

He may or may not have issues. OP has issues too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may or may not have issues. OP has issues too.

Tell us how you would hve reacted in this situation?

[Anonymous]

If anyone puts there hands around my neck, they will catch my wrath. Watch him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may or may not have issues. OP has issues too.

More clear is the issues of the PP at the top of this page.

[Anonymous]

OP is just as unstable and effed up as the sober guy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is just as unstable and effed up as the sober guy...

You are out of your mind. I think she was actually pretty restrained. I probably would have hauled off and smacked anyone who dared to put his hands on me like that, and I'm not kidding. No one should ever do that, it's utterly insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is just as unstable and effed up as the sober guy...

You are out of your mind. I think she was actually pretty restrained. I probably would have hauled off and smacked anyone who dared to put his hands on me like that, and I'm not kidding. No one should ever do that, it's utterly insane.

Yes I guess I am out of mind then. Utterly insane.

[Anonymous]

Were you seated next to him with your friend and DH on the other side of the table?

[Anonymous]

OP is always very sanitized (clean? you otherwise smell?) and cordial on the rare occasion she sees these people, until the crazed and brainwashed 12 step reformer mimics choking a teen in public - then she's not sanitized or cordial anymore. Did you get witnesses? Sounds super traumatic that people would be rushing to your side OP? Your husband sounds super concerned too. I would have stabbed him in the throat with my butter knife. You go gurl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.

Bingo