What to do about DH’s late nights out

[Anonymous]

DH and I are 30 year old DINkS.

He works long hours and comes home every night at 20-10:30 pm. After a quick chat we promptly go to bed as I have work and he unwinds on his laptop for an hour or so after. The only time I hangout with him are on weekends and he spends most of Saturday exhausted from the week the sleeping in.

During the week he’ll have impromptu boys night out with a guy friend / coworker or two. I will have no previous heads up. He will text me at 6 pm and say “ btw I’m getting drinks with Jon. Will be home in an hour so so. “ of course he doesn’t stumble in drunk until well after midnight or 2 am.

This occurs either every week or once every two weeks. Either Friday nights or a random evening.

I know he is not out with girls or doing anything nefarious. He is with his guy friends getting drunk and shooting shit.

It bothers me that he’s married and he chooses to spend his time at bars getting drunk than coming home to his wife.
I also seems very rude that I’m up waiting for him while he’s out bar hoping.

I have told him this and he loses his temper. He says he doesn’t want me to put him in a cage. He works hard he spends all his time with me and I can’t take away his occasional boys nights.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to him and I'd question an affair. Don't his friends have wives and kids? One night a week, ok, two nights ok but at 30, enough is enough.

[Anonymous]

Reality check...he is young and wants to hangout with friends 4x a month after work. You have no kids. I frankly think you are trying to cage him and sound needy.why do you wait up? Go to sleep or a movie. Don’t you hangout with friends? Sounds like you need hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check...he is young and wants to hangout with friends 4x a month after work. You have no kids. I frankly think you are trying to cage him and sound needy.why do you wait up? Go to sleep or a movie. Don’t you hangout with friends? Sounds like you need hobbies.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what’s wrong with him going out once a week or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check...he is young and wants to hangout with friends 4x a month after work. You have no kids. I frankly think you are trying to cage him and sound needy.why do you wait up? Go to sleep or a movie. Don’t you hangout with friends? Sounds like you need hobbies.

+1

+2. Guys have friends. They like to go out. If there are no kids then there is literally zero reason why this is a problem. Even with kids 1x-2x per week is perfectly normal. Men with friends (and even those with no friends who just want to watch a game in peace) do not want to spend 7 nights per week with their wives, however great they may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to him and I'd question an affair. Don't his friends have wives and kids? One night a week, ok, two nights ok but at 30, enough is enough.

I guess you've never been a consultant lol. Or worked in any field where networking is key, the hours are long and late, and bonding occurs after work. 30? People live this life through their 50s with wife and kids. Also not indicative (necessarily) of an affair. Why would a 30 year old DINK feel the need to rush home?

/30 something female DINK

[Anonymous]

Tough one. He may be hanging out with hue guys and just enjoying life, or, he might be doing some chick. Does he smell like perfume when he returns from his boy-night-out events? If not, he's probably just unwinding weigh friends. But yea, I ditch my boys to hang with the wife. That's just me though.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'll be a little more generous to you here.

First, though, I agree that his occasional (weekly or biweekly) nights out with friends are NBD. If you had kids, I might think differently given his late work nights, but you don't so I don't get it. Especially since he spends his weekend nights with you.

Second, I wonder if maybe your issue here is that he never socializes with you after long days of work...but he will occasionally do so with friends. Pre-kids, my DH had a work schedule similar to yours...in fact, he frequently worked later than that. The work week really dragged on coming home to an empty apartment every day and going to bed before DH came home at least as often as not. DH was truly working until late those nights, but it would have made me sad that on the rare occasions he could come home early he chose not to spend the time with me. But, objectively, I knew he needed to nurture his friendships...so when he did say he was going out for a HH etc, I was always supportive verbally (even if I wasn't always happy about it).

What did help me a lot was to stop waiting around for him on evenings. I started going to a trainer, I scheduled classes, I made plans with friends, etc. I actually ended up building such a full weekday evening life that DH got annoyed that when he had a rare evening that he wanted to spend with me, I wasn't available.

Assuming you are planning to have kids, this time period is a blip in your lives. Don't make the time you do have together contentious...and I promise you that you will be happy he has healthy friendships when you have kids and he needs an objective male perspective. And take advantage of all of these free weeknights you have! What I wouldn't give to have the freedom again to go out to a movie, yoga class, drinks with friends whenever I wanted!

[Anonymous]

38 DINK wife here, my DH is younger, but likes to go out once a week in similar fashion. I don’t; I’m more introverted, like to get a good night’s sleep, and get up for the gym early on weekends. Why would you make him come home if he isn’t up to anything nefarious? One reason we don’t want kids is because we like our lives as they are and part of that is less responsibility. I’m not going to make DH come home “just because he has a wife at home.” If I have no reason to think he’s doing anything other than just drinking with the guys, I want him to have fun. No need for him to come home just to go to bed when he doesn’t feel like it. Enjoy the alone time to yourself or get your own hobby. You sound codependent and boring. My DH takes an Uber when he goes out so I know he’s not endangering himself or anyone else, he spends a reasonable amount of money, and then he doesn’t bust my balls when I want to do something myself. I truly don’t understand the big deal here.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t sound like he loves you. Even when my dh and I were dink’s we spent a ton of time together. And yes we still got out and saw our friends separately from each other. Your dh sounds immature and like he doesn’t actually care about you. Don’t have a kid with him.

[Anonymous]

split now. the resentment will just build from here. it's the beginning of the eventual end.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation, but 10 years older. My advice is to find a hobby, go to gym, or go do something productive. In a few years, all his friends will be married with kids and he won’t have any friends to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 30 year old DINkS. he is also bar fly dipping too

He works long hours and comes home every night at 20-10:30 pm. After a quick chat we promptly go to bed as I have work and he unwinds on his laptop for an hour or so after. The only time I hangout with him are on weekends and he spends most of Saturday exhausted from the week the sleeping in.

During the week he’ll have impromptu boys night out with a guy friend / coworker or two. I will have no previous heads up. He will text me at 6 pm and say “ btw I’m getting drinks with Jon. Will be home in an hour so so. “ of course he doesn’t stumble in drunk until well after midnight or 2 am.

This occurs either every week or once every two weeks. Either Friday nights or a random evening.

I know he is not out with girls or doing anything nefarious. He is with his guy friends getting drunk and shooting shit.

It bothers me that he’s married and he chooses to spend his time at bars getting drunk than coming home to his wife.
I also seems very rude that I’m up waiting for him while he’s out bar hoping.

I have told him this and he loses his temper. He says he doesn’t want me to put him in a cage. He works hard he spends all his time with me and I can’t take away his occasional boys nights.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Yes. You are unreasonable.