What to do about DH’s late nights out

[Anonymous]

He parties every night with friends until 10:30 pm and on the weekends till 2am, barely sees her and spends the weekends recovering from his debauchery—how is she being unreasonable? It sounds like he’s still single!

[Anonymous]

Make plans with him for Friday night. Pick a movie to see or a restaurant to meet friends at or a bowling alley to bowl in. Call it a date night. Then you get to spend time together and ha has to tell his friend that he already has plans.

If he then baila on those plans,you’ll have data to share with him.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he leaves work at 6 to be with Jon and he won't normally get home until 10:30 with you -- worrisome.

He is also underestimating the time he's going to be out. Rude.

You are waiting around for him when he's proved over an over that he's not going to be home until after midnight. Stupid.


Recommendations:
1) schedule after work time with him once a week or every two weeks. Get your time in with him!
2) When he does go out with Jon or his other boyfriends, go out with a girlfriend. Don't sit home waiting for him unless you enjoy the solitude. Go to a movie! Go bar hopping yourself! Don't be home when he gets home. But let him know you'll be out so he isn't surprised when he rolls in and you aren't there.

[Anonymous]

What time does he go into work? He works until 10:30?!? Is this a busy season for him? Has he always worked this late? I don’t understand when a spouse is asking for a little more attention, the other spouse gets mad. That’s a huge red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

This isn't going to get any better if and when you have a child. Think carefully about that.

[Anonymous]

Tell him it’s time to stop being a frat boy and become a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check...he is young and wants to hangout with friends 4x a month after work. You have no kids. I frankly think you are trying to cage him and sound needy.why do you wait up? Go to sleep or a movie. Don’t you hangout with friends? Sounds like you need hobbies.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check...he is young and wants to hangout with friends 4x a month after work. You have no kids. I frankly think you are trying to cage him and sound needy.why do you wait up? Go to sleep or a movie. Don’t you hangout with friends? Sounds like you need hobbies.

I tend to agree with this, but also would have a come to Jesus talk before having kids. Many men assume they can continue this behavior post kids, while the women assume it will just stop. Do not assume it will stop post kids and don’t have kids until you are both satisfied with whatever agreement you come to. Doesn’t sound like he’s ready for kids any time soon.

[Anonymous]

^^^^PP here to add, I don’t think 30 is necessarily “young.” A lot of folks have their first kid by 30, even in DC.

[Anonymous]

OP, if/when you two have kids you will seriously look back so fondly on the time in your life when you could just go out with friends impromptu. You should do it, too. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if/when you two have kids you will seriously look back so fondly on the time in your life when you could just go out with friends impromptu. You should do it, too. A lot.

Yeah, she'll be sad especially because her DH will still be acting like a frat boy. She'll no longer be home alone, she'll be home dealing with the kids!

Was he like this when you were dating/engaged? If so, you can count on him staying like this.

[Anonymous]

It's a personality difference. Like you, I'm introverted, so I personally wouldn't want to go out with my friends frequently, married or not. But your DH obviously is not this way - he enjoys social contact.

If you are truly not spending any time together - yes that's a problem. If you are, but you just want him home because YOU want to be home... that's not fair. And honestly, you probably knew this about him beforehand. I do agree though that it should be made clear and understood that if/when kids come into the picture, his life will be different. It's entirely possible he's just taking advantage of the time now before that happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 30 year old DINkS.

He works long hours and comes home every night at 20-10:30 pm. After a quick chat we promptly go to bed as I have work and he unwinds on his laptop for an hour or so after. The only time I hangout with him are on weekends and he spends most of Saturday exhausted from the week the sleeping in.

During the week he’ll have impromptu boys night out with a guy friend / coworker or two. I will have no previous heads up. He will text me at 6 pm and say “ btw I’m getting drinks with Jon. Will be home in an hour so so. “ of course he doesn’t stumble in drunk until well after midnight or 2 am.

This occurs either every week or once every two weeks. Either Friday nights or a random evening.

I know he is not out with girls or doing anything nefarious. He is with his guy friends getting drunk and shooting shit.

It bothers me that he’s married and he chooses to spend his time at bars getting drunk than coming home to his wife.
I also seems very rude that I’m up waiting for him while he’s out bar hoping.

I have told him this and he loses his temper. He says he doesn’t want me to put him in a cage. He works hard he spends all his time with me and I can’t take away his occasional boys nights.

Am I being unreasonable?

But he doesn't spend "all his time with you." He works until 10pm every day. I would not personally have a problem with him going out with his friends regularly - even a couple times a week - but the hours would really bother me, particularly if on the weekend you guys are not spending much time together. It also doesn't sound like these are "occasional boys nights." It sounds like they happen regularly.

Do you guys plan to have children? If so, when will he plan to see THEM? Because 10-11pm is not usually an hour when children are awake.

[Anonymous]

you want him to come home and spend time with = absolutely and perfectly reasonable.

but what is he coming home to? is home fun, relaxing? you don't have kids yet so what can you both do to make the time more appealing for you both?

not saying you do this, but if he's coming home to list of demands, chores, complaints, etc. given his immature ways, he's going to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have kids, my only question is, why aren’t YOU going out friends more often?

Make sure you have a life outside of your marriage. Now is the time to nurture your friendships and have FUN! These opportunities will be much much rarer after you have kids.

PS If he texts you that he’s going out for drinks, how are you “waiting” for him? He’s giving you the appropriate heads up that he’s going to home late. You’re choosing to waste your evening “waiting”