"Drama" in lieu of common sense?
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Anonymous
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Does anyone have a spouse who, when there is a crisis (large - major health issue such as cancer, or small, or in between - major house damage that requires immediate work ie: water) resorts to making the problem much, much worse (drama)? DH's family works this way, and I feel like he is trying to impose their ways on our family. It is really exhausting. Instead of "snapping into action" (or even not, that would be fine) - DH makes matters worse, one way or another. ex 1: if there is water damage in the basement stairwell, and the water line is above the sealed door, he will open the door and let the water literally flood in (there was so much water, it came flooding down the stairwell to the door, and we watched it pool and accumulate and rise at the door, so it was very obvious not to open the door) ex 2: I literally had cancer (now supposedly entirely removed, thankfully, but it was a scary number of weeks for me, as I have never had cancer before) and DH "throws his back out" and goes on about his back (I remained silent about my cancer, because I knew it would only trigger him).
Frankly, these "vents" (or whatever you want to call them) seem to just numb me, so I think my sense of perception and right and wrong, in this regard is not what it used to be. I feel like I am desensitized. Is this normal? Do you have a DH that is so "out of touch"? If so, how do you deal with it? This week we have no hot water. He refuses to buy a hot water tank. I am going to go around him, as usual, and hire someone to help us out. But do normal men handle things by fighting EVERYTHING? |
Anonymous
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*vents, not vents
It is as if he goes out of his way to make things much worse. |
Anonymous
| Yes, my parents. I believe it’s anxiety. |
Anonymous
OMG. It's awful - they resort to consistently making a bad situation so much worse? That's their default? Always? Who does that? I come from a family that values (and has a lot of) common sense, so to always see situations made worse, by knee jerk reaction - that is direct opposite of what the response should be, by any reasonable person - it is mind boggling. There is always a way to "undo" their damage, but it costs time and money, and it is positively exhausting, especially after being raised in an opposite environment, (where instinct and immediate reaction was to come together and go forward, instead of dismantling everything - piece by piece by agonizing piece). When you are in a bad situation, and have to deal with the inevitable extra antics, it is positively exhausting. My young children know better than their parent, more than half the time. They just look at him (when it happens) and shake their heads. My point is that there has to be some conscientious effort on their (the dismantler's) part. It is sick. |
Anonymous
It seems deliberate and sick to me. |
Anonymous
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Your husband "threw his back out" when you had cancer and you felt you couldn't ask for support because of this?
This isn't drama - this is being a straight up asshole. The water damage is more of a common sense thing. This is the sort of thing my husband would do - ugh. |
Anonymous
OP here. That is what I am saying - the situation leaves no margin for "it could have been this, it could have been that...." or "maybe he didn't know you had cancer..." or "maybe he didn't see the two feet of water at the door, while he was looking out the window at it..." No second guessing. The situations are black and white, and DH consistently chooses the worst possible avenue. It's as if he is a glutton for punishment. We don't have the money to keep up with his antics (in the water situation, he caused the entire basement to literally flood, we lost all of our belongings that were in the basement, and it was not covered by insurance). As far as the cancer, I am speechless. I know his mother is a hypochondriac (they bond over talking about ailments). It is really exhausting and puzzling to me, and I assume everyone else. Living it is extremely trying, to say the least. I wonder if people who grow up with somewhat normal families (mine was/is not perfect, by any means, but somewhat normal) think that everyone grows up this way - having somewhat normal families. I feel like this is why I think that the antics cause me to go into sort of a shock, so that I become numb and don't react. It is so obvious he is doing the exact opposite of what the situation calls for, every time, it is shocking and baffling. He also does things like lock the dog in the bedrooms, knowing that the dog will destroy both the walls and the wall to wall carpet (literally dig it up - it is torn up in two rooms now) and destroy the walls (the wood is removed from the molding now, again, in at least two rooms). But, DH persists, and keeps changing the room that he puts the dog into. Point being with this example: we have a heated garage, with a big, new dog bd and with a more durable situation, such that the wood, etc. would not be damaged - it is as if DH wants to damage the house, then b*tch about having to pay to repair it (DH does not know how to fix things, which is fine, but don't cause deliberate damage, either!) DH refuses to have someone come in and help with regular household maintenance, so I have to wait until he is out of town or something to have someone come in and make the repairs that he caused to be needed. Sorry for going on about this. It feels good to talk about it. Needing to commiserate with someone who might specifically (I know this situation is specific, my apologies) experience such bizarre behavior. Is there a special needs spouse forum? Only half kidding. |
Anonymous
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What kind of cancer? I have had basal skin cancer and it wasn’t a big deal. I have thrown my back out and it was a huge deal. My sister had early stage breast cancer and itwas a medium + deal. So there is a range there for both things.
I am sorry you had a cancer diagnosis and that your DH threw his back out. Both deserve empathy from spouse. |
Anonymous
But he didn't, that's the thing. |
Anonymous
Throwing your back out was a huge deal but you sister’s breast cancer was a medium deal? You know there is always a risk of early stage cancer getting worse or coming back, right? Your back pain doesn’t have the potential to be terminal. |
Anonymous
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This is my dh. It is so annoying and leaves me feeling like I respect him less and less. I am very level headed and make quick sound judgements. Sometimes I feel like I am the only adult in the house. My dh is a smart, accomplished man, but is easily duped.
We have a whole situation going right now where essentially, a salesman talked him into a large purchase/contract and the company hasn't made good on their end of the deal. I knew from the second he told me about it that it was not going to end well. It is going exactly the way I knew it would. Another example like your cancer/back scenario...my mom had an aneurysm. My sister called me to inform me and I tell dh I am heading to the hospital. His immediate reaction is to ask me how long I'm going to be gone. He claims that he is not 100% and isn't sure he can properly care for our kids for an extended period of time. I didn't respond --maybe I was in shock. I got my stuff and left him where he stood. I can think of numerous other examples. Hang in there, OP. I think I know exactly how you feel and hopefully it helps to know you're not alone. Once m |
Anonymous
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This is pp again. I was thinking about another example. When our children were younger our pediatrician recommended that our whole family get the flu shot. We had preemie twins and our other child had a history of upper respiratory problems. My dh carried on and on about how the last time he got the flu shot that his shoulder was sore for weeks and he just didn't want to deal with that kind of pain again. So basically he was refusing to suck it up for the health and well-being of his young children. It was truly mind boggling and ridiculous to talk him through that whole thing. He eventually gave in, but we have had the same fight every year since.
It's exhausting. |
Anonymous
x100000 Thank you. |
Anonymous
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New poster. My husband has anxiety. My DD has a serious illness and periodic hospitalizations. Whenever she goes into the hospital it seems like he forgets something crucial -- his ID and credit cards; all his clothes. All our clothes in the hotel room we rented near the hospital. Who gets to go back for this stuff? Why, I do, because he's too anxious to drive a car.
OP, I feel for you. But anxiety is very real. |
Anonymous
Meanwhile, basal cell carcinoma — which I have also had — does not count as ‘real’ cancer in my book. Sounds like OP had a more serious cancer. |