"Drama" in lieu of common sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work or have access to joint funds? What will happen if you just call the plumber and get the work done, cut a check and call it a day? This is what i would do.

Also you need to have a come to Jesus with DH. About how there were dysfunctional patterns in your families of origin and how you should both try consistently do better for your kids. For the types of things you described - i would say marriage therapy is definitely warranted. But both have to be willing.

Thank you for your support, seriously. Agree that marriage counseling would be optimal - but if DH agreed to that, he would have to also agree that his family of origin is less than picture perfect, which would never (yes, never) happen. But yes, I agree owning the issues and looking to correct them is step one. I try to do that with my family of origin - I think he was attracted to me because I was opposite of his meltdown prone, anxiety ridden mother. I do not know how much I can do myself, but I am willing and trying. I don't escalate, because I know that is what he wants, because that is (having spent a decent amount of time around his family, by now) what he is accustomed to. Anything for attention. For example, he has learned that people listen to him when he complains about money, so that is what he does, even though it is not really an issue. I would love to talk to a therapist that is familiar with familial disorders, and some of the issues I mention, and where to go from here. I think I should at least try implementing some tried and true methods before I throw in the towel.

More than a week with kids and without hot water is not reasonable. The way you're over-appeasing seems to suggest that you are financially dependent on him, so he basically does what he wants and there is no reason for him to self reflect or attempt to do better for this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This water heater thing is insane. I think you are too patient. I would have called a plumber on day 2. Can you just steam roll over your DH and call in a handyman/professional? How would your DH react?

This + 1000000
Why would you wait for 2 weeks.
Part of the issue, tho complicated, is your going along with and arguing about some of this stuff, thus allowing it to get worse,
Yes, 2 days of nothing done you should have called a plumber yourself.
I truly feel for you, I could not live line that even tho your husband is a good guy, I would be clinically insane by now.

[Anonymous]

OP my DH is similar to this but on a smaller scale. He has ADHD and had a big drama in his teens that has stayed with him. Whenever there is an “emergency “ he goes full on. Big drama!

It’s a plumbing problem— call a plumber! But no he would try to fix it himself. He works a lot so when he went to work I would call a plumber. (In my own case).
But your DH sounds extreme and I can say from experience that it gets worse with age not better. Sorry OP but your DH sounds a little crazy.
Marriage counseling first. Get out! second while you are still young.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I just want to cry for you and your husband.
OP, go to therapy . Even if DH will not go, therapist will give you an understanding of situation and ways of dealing with DH. He is a broken little boy. You need to find healthy ways of being it this will normalize dysfunction for your kids.
You are partnering with him to normalize dysfunction therefore he really has no true motivation or alternate perspective or reason to change.
Get thee to therapy.
Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work or have access to joint funds? What will happen if you just call the plumber and get the work done, cut a check and call it a day? This is what i would do.

Also you need to have a come to Jesus with DH. About how there were dysfunctional patterns in your families of origin and how you should both try consistently do better for your kids. For the types of things you described - i would say marriage therapy is definitely warranted. But both have to be willing.

Thank you for your support, seriously. Agree that marriage counseling would be optimal - but if DH agreed to that, he would have to also agree that his family of origin is less than picture perfect, which would never (yes, never) happen. But yes, I agree owning the issues and looking to correct them is step one. I try to do that with my family of origin - I think he was attracted to me because I was opposite of his meltdown prone, anxiety ridden mother. I do not know how much I can do myself, but I am willing and trying. I don't escalate, because I know that is what he wants, because that is (having spent a decent amount of time around his family, by now) what he is accustomed to. Anything for attention. For example, he has learned that people listen to him when he complains about money, so that is what he does, even though it is not really an issue. I would love to talk to a therapist that is familiar with familial disorders, and some of the issues I mention, and where to go from here. I think I should at least try implementing some tried and true methods before I throw in the towel.

This is what stood out to me from page 1 - everything has to be about him. Your cancer, your daughter’s health, the hot water heater - it’s all about him. (Sorry if I’m confusing two posters.) But the rest of it sounds like some very bizarre coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Would it make sense to call CPS? Shouldn't a family with the ability to have hot water available to them in their home, have hot water in their home? Doesn't this seem crazy to anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I just want to cry for you and your husband.
OP, go to therapy . Even if DH will not go, therapist will give you an understanding of situation and ways of dealing with DH. He is a broken little boy. You need to find healthy ways of being it this will normalize dysfunction for your kids.
You are partnering with him to normalize dysfunction therefore he really has no true motivation or alternate perspective or reason to change.
Get thee to therapy.
Good Luck!

+1

Nailed it. Is there a good therapist that will step into action?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband "threw his back out" when you had cancer and you felt you couldn't ask for support because of this?

This isn't drama - this is being a straight up asshole.

The water damage is more of a common sense thing. This is the sort of thing my husband would do - ugh.

+ 1 million!
Signed,
- A cancer survivor

[Anonymous]

Please answer OP. If you went ahead and called a plumber , what would your DH do. More drama or worse?

Please remember that YOU matter in this relationship. If your DH doesn't want an expensive vacation, that is understandable, but you have NO HOT WATER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband "threw his back out" when you had cancer and you felt you couldn't ask for support because of this?

This isn't drama - this is being a straight up asshole.

The water damage is more of a common sense thing. This is the sort of thing my husband would do - ugh.

+ 1 million!
Signed,
- A cancer survivor

+1

OP here. I am beginning to see this. It is a pattern. One fo DH's parents was like this, and the other one deliberately chose to be home very rarely (my guess is because of lack of common sense, along with taking the opposite measures each time, I am sure it became rather exhausting). Plus, there were so many kids in the family, and no one was ever "taken care of". I know not all large families are like this, because my parents came from large, loving families.

[Anonymous]

OP - hot water is not optional in winter when you have kids and enough funds for even minimally running a household. Please seek therapy yourself if your husband is not willing. You need help to see this situation for what it is. He may have some type of low level and undiagnosed mental illness. Do you work? Can you move out with the kids and support yourself? I would move to a hotel or live with family until the hot water was fixed. Be strong and work on building a support network for yourself. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

No OP. Unfortunately I think you may have married an idiot.

Not that DH and I don't make mistakes occasionally, but we feel safe in our relationship with each other pointing out our own and each other's mistakes in order to resolve/move past them. We don't get angry; we are on the same team.

If you can't even explain door/flood or cancer/back pain without fear of an overreaction, you are screwed. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds awful.

I concur with the recommendation for you to seek therapy. Please be open to the idea that you have your own issues to resolve stemming from your own family of origin. While your husband's behavior is pretty out there, it's also not normal to just sit back and enable it as you have been. You chose him and married him. A lot of people would have asked him what the *&^% he's doing when he demonstrated a complete lack of judgment and walked away for good. And two of you aren't getting the hot water heater replaced, not just him.

Good for you for trying to fix this. It's a horrible environment for your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am SO appreciative of the reality check, thank you! I know better, but I feel beaten down. Really, really, beaten down. He goes into a rage about money in front of the kids (it is not about money - he has always been this way, but has gotten worse). The kids take it on as their fault, somehow - that is how kids operate. I keep his rage away from the kids as much as possible. I need to protect them. He ordered a part and insists on trying to "fix" it today. Phone calls on my part will start immediately during my lunch break. This sucks.

I am grateful for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this and it isn’t anxiety. She just has no common sense and too much time so she makes all situations way more complicated than they need to be. Also never thinks about how it impacts others. Mostly she wastes her own time and money so I don’t care, but then I have to hear about the whole story so it’s annoying.

Examples -
I send her a link for a cheap $5 toy on Amazon that my 4yr old would enjoy for his birthday. She has Prime. It was on prime - not an add-on. She takes the link, prints a copy of the picture and blows it up to see the brand name. Proceeds to call every store in her town asking if they have it after she went to 3 stores in person. In person at Micheals she talks to the manager to ask if they can stock it for her. It’s those capsules that melt in hot water and turn into little sponge animals.

Friend in UK’a mom dies. She wants to send flowers. She doesn’t find an online florist or call the funeral home in Scotland. She calls a local florist and of course the florist can’t process her check??? Or a foreign credit card?? So she asks the friend whose mom died to pay the florist and pays her back.

I work from home and there have been many times when I’ve been at their house on a long visit on a work day and working from their office. I hear her start her day with coffee at 9am.. Around 10 she starts making calls and deals with random customer service things until 1-2pm!! Sending emails, following up, leaving detailed Amazon and Etsy reviews “because they invited me to”, calling store managers about obscure questions / products she can buy online, etc. Then she breaks for lunch and runs an errand. When she gets home at 5-6pm she wonders what to have for dinner and inevitably needs to go to the store. She is the most inefficient person I have ever met - and so busy! She is always stressed about how busy she is with all the busy work she makes for herself.

Wow, how exhausting.

My mom is the same with shopping. Plus, she CALLS me from each store to ask me for more information. When she asks for gift ideas, I often send her the link, then offer to just buy it myself and she pays me back. So much easier!