"Drama" in lieu of common sense?

[Anonymous]

OP - after reading all of this I hope you will get your ducks in a row financially, etc. because I don't see this getting better.

He sounds like an absolute mess. I don't know where to go with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, OP.

This all sounds pretty complicated. You're describing a spouse with a poor sense of boundaries and an inability to prioritize well. These symptoms can be caused by several conditions.

What's important to know is that, even if you were to figure out what's underlying your husband's behavior, mental illness is different from physical illness. He has to want to change. He has to experience enough discomfort in his own life and connect that discomfort to problems that he has himself caused before he'll be motivated to do something. Then he has to find mental health providers with whom he "clicks" to help lead him to a better place. Even with work, some people take years to become more functional. Some types of disorders tend to control people more than people control them. Does your husband seem to want to change? If you confronted him more forcefully would that put sufficient pressure on him to motivate change, or would it just create conflict? (I'm not dissuading you from confrontation. You should definitely confront. I'm just asking you to honestly assess the situation.)

What will be critical for you to remember throughout the process that you are entering is that you did not cause your husband to be this way, you cannot control his actions, and you cannot cure him of his behaviors. You are responsible only for your role in the relationship. That said, you are fully responsible for your role. For example, you own your house. Set and enforce boundary about who stays there for the safety of your home and belongings. If your husband disagrees, you don't leave town. You also own your water heater. Get it fixed. Living without hot water is not hygienic or fair to your children.

My first recommendation to you is to start keeping a journal. Instead of listing all of your husband's odd choices here, list them for yourself as they come up. When we tolerate disordered behavior for so long, we tend to lose sight of how disordered it is. In fact, we usually convince ourselves it's not that bad. Start keeping a list so as to keep yourself honest. Think about what your children see and experience as you log things.

Get yourself to therapy. It is the only way you are going to succeed in setting safe boundaries for yourself and for your children. You need to be able to say "no" to your husband when he puts you in these not-at-all ok situations. You're very lucky that the car on the highway incident didn't turn out poorly and that having a stranger in your house resulted in nothing worse than a bad smell. You're also lucky that your husband hasn't made a financial decision that's been ruinous. Don't prioritize fixing him or fixing the marriage. You can't control him, so figure out your role in taking care of you. That might have beneficial effects for your husband and your marriage.

Start cultivating friendships outside of your marriage. Chances are that you've been in a not-normal situation for a while. If this feels normal to you, you've probably lost touch with people who can tell you otherwise. Slowly reach out if you can to meet other people. It might be a fitness class at a community center, a volunteering opportunity, a chance to lead a scouting group for one of your children, but it helps to reach out. Also, if you're stuck with this crazy man for the time being, having something positive to look forward to is going to be important.

Thank you so much. OP here. I highlighted the parts I have to read, to myself, over and over again. I have started emailing a therapist that knows my husband, explain gin situations as they happen, and DH's true colors are really being illuminated. DH is extremely charming, and not one person on the outside would believe this mess. DH looks nothing short of perfect to anyone to does not live in this house, I promise. Drawing boundaries with DH, and doing damage control on the regular, is a full-time job and a half, and it is exhausting. Many days I am in a cloud, just trying to get through (ie: boiling warm bath water for the kids, and walking up and down the stairs no less than 16 times each).

This is my normal, so you bring up many valid points. You also brought up having something to look forward to - DH talks about money constantly, day in and day out. He is obsessed with money, and being broke, because of how he grew up. We are not broke, at all. When we lived in about 800 (eight hundred) square feet, I brought home a $12. (twelve dollar) table cloth on sale, because I was preparing dinner for his high school friend (he does not have many friends) and his wife. DH was enraged that I bought a new table cloth: "what are we having THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND over for dinner? This is outrageous!!" So, he is prone to both over reacting tremendously and doing the exact opposite of what the situation necessitates (see prior examples). All of this seems more than coincidental to me. People don't just do stuff like this, and have theses reactions - it seems very deliberate. That is why I am desperate for like situations, comparisons, and direction. I feel consumed and overwhelmed.

All this to say a vacation is out of the question. Mostly because DH did not really vacation growing up, because his parents had control issues (a small part of it); but also because DH's family just did not care for each other and only spent time together forcibly (not much has changed). I feel like he is "punishing" me, somehow. His family wasn't "together", so we won't be, either - in his eyes. DH would rather take his limited time off for his birth family, who is generally awful (as you can probably tell from my examples of DH's issues). While I don't understand the dynamics entirely, I know DH is a people pleaser - anything to look like the good guy in whatever scenario. Little do people know.

As far as finding good friends, I do have some, but I happen to be a good listener, and sometimes I attract the wrong people who are terribly needy. I can listen for days, and that is my problem, because it really just stresses me out to hear about how bad other people think they have it. I need positive and forward moving people, not negative and draining people. I think that my sense of perception and threshold for pain is becoming slowly but surely distorted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have a spouse who, when there is a crisis (large - major health issue such as cancer, or small, or in between - major house damage that requires immediate work ie: water) resorts to making the problem much, much worse (drama)? DH's family works this way, and I feel like he is trying to impose their ways on our family. It is really exhausting. Instead of "snapping into action" (or even not, that would be fine) - DH makes matters worse, one way or another. ex 1: if there is water damage in the basement stairwell, and the water line is above the sealed door, he will open the door and let the water literally flood in (there was so much water, it came flooding down the stairwell to the door, and we watched it pool and accumulate and rise at the door, so it was very obvious not to open the door) ex 2: I literally had cancer (now supposedly entirely removed, thankfully, but it was a scary number of weeks for me, as I have never had cancer before) and DH "throws his back out" and goes on about his back (I remained silent about my cancer, because I knew it would only trigger him).

Frankly, these "vents" (or whatever you want to call them) seem to just numb me, so I think my sense of perception and right and wrong, in this regard is not what it used to be. I feel like I am desensitized. Is this normal? Do you have a DH that is so "out of touch"? If so, how do you deal with it? This week we have no hot water. He refuses to buy a hot water tank. I am going to go around him, as usual, and hire someone to help us out. But do normal men handle things by fighting EVERYTHING?

You sound like a theatrical experience yourself.