Grandparents, please stop undermining your kids' authority as parents

[Anonymous]

Our 2 year old loves my parents and, in many ways, they are great grandparents. Problem is, they undermine our authority regularly. I get the whole "grandparents spoil kids" thing, but it's annoying when things like the following happen:

- DH is trying to enforce having DD either walk or sit in her stroller, and the grandparents just pick her up and carry her.

- We tell her she needs to sit at the table with us and eat her dinner, and the grandparents tell her she can eat 2 bites and then run around the living room, and then come back for another 2 bites, rinse and repeat.

These may not seem like big things, but they're things we're working on with her. Whenever my parents are around, she sees us as the mean disciplinarians and grandma and grandpa as the fun people who let her do whatever she wants, which is not a great dynamic.

Anyway, rant over.

[Anonymous]

+1. What irks me the most is the screen time....especially when the grandparent lacks the energy or creativity to keep up and so their default is the IPad/TV.

[Anonymous]

These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

[Anonymous]

Evergreen post here.

Spoiling is fun. Deliberately ignoring a parent’s wishes isn’t cool. It definitely happened to them and they are perpetuating the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

But then she ends up yelling, "No daddy, no mommy! I want grandma!" like she did this morning. Basically any modicum of discipline we try to impose while they're with us is met with a huge tantrum and running to them.

And to the PP -- yes, I forgot about the screen time. We really try to limit screen time, but when they're around, they let her watch videos on their phone for an hour straight. If I try to intervene, they balk at me, saying I'm being uptight and it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

You’re going to have to get your own parenting, boundary issues and priorities straight. Posting complaints on an anonymous list serve is pretty useless. How many grandparents do you think are on DCUM? If they are that clever, they’re probably also doing these little things to irritate you for fun.

[Anonymous]

It drives me insane. My 2 year old knows there are different, more lax rules at grandparents house. She's cranky the entire time we're there because they undermine bed times, feed her too much sugar and wake her up early.

[Anonymous]

First one isn’t even worth mentioning on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

But then she ends up yelling, "No daddy, no mommy! I want grandma!" like she did this morning. Basically any modicum of discipline we try to impose while they're with us is met with a huge tantrum and running to them.

And to the PP -- yes, I forgot about the screen time. We really try to limit screen time, but when they're around, they let her watch videos on their phone for an hour straight. If I try to intervene, they balk at me, saying I'm being uptight and it's not a big deal.

Said every kid ever. Get over yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

But then she ends up yelling, "No daddy, no mommy! I want grandma!" like she did this morning. Basically any modicum of discipline we try to impose while they're with us is met with a huge tantrum and running to them.

And to the PP -- yes, I forgot about the screen time. We really try to limit screen time, but when they're around, they let her watch videos on their phone for an hour straight. If I try to intervene, they balk at me, saying I'm being uptight and it's not a big deal.

Then you just laugh and roll your eyes later.

She doesn't love them more than you. She just loves getting spoiled by them and that is okay because eventually they go back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It drives me insane. My 2 year old knows there are different, more lax rules at grandparents house. She's cranky the entire time we're there because they undermine bed times, feed her too much sugar and wake her up early.

Yes, I hate that one. I've had to be *very* clear with them about when they can go get her in the morning and after naps. She needs time after she wakes up to hang out in her crib. They run to get her as soon as she makes a noise, which makes her cranky because she needs about 20 minutes to adjust to being awake before she's really ready to be out and about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

But then she ends up yelling, "No daddy, no mommy! I want grandma!" like she did this morning. Basically any modicum of discipline we try to impose while they're with us is met with a huge tantrum and running to them.

And to the PP -- yes, I forgot about the screen time. We really try to limit screen time, but when they're around, they let her watch videos on their phone for an hour straight. If I try to intervene, they balk at me, saying I'm being uptight and it's not a big deal.

You are being uptight and it’s not a bid deal. Do you not have anything else to do besides hover over the grandparents and correct them? Can’t you take a walk or read a book or something? How about a nap - it seems like you need one.

[Anonymous]

Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 2 year old loves my parents and, in many ways, they are great grandparents. Problem is, they undermine our authority regularly. I get the whole "grandparents spoil kids" thing, but it's annoying when things like the following happen:

- DH is trying to enforce having DD either walk or sit in her stroller, and the grandparents just pick her up and carry her.

- We tell her she needs to sit at the table with us and eat her dinner, and the grandparents tell her she can eat 2 bites and then run around the living room, and then come back for another 2 bites, rinse and repeat.

These may not seem like big things, but they're things we're working on with her. Whenever my parents are around, she sees us as the mean disciplinarians and grandma and grandpa as the fun people who let her do whatever she wants, which is not a great dynamic.

Anyway, rant over.

How often are you and the grandparents together? If not often, just relax your rules while they are there. If it's often, then undermine your parents. If grandparent says she can have 2 bites then run around, you say, firmly, No, sorry Suzy, grandma is incorrect, you need to stay in your seat, and then impose any consequence you otherwise would. Let the grandparents do whatever they want (so long as it's safe) if kids are with them and you aren't there.

Also, stop caring about being seen as a mean disciplinarian. If they don't ever think you're mean, you're doing your job wrong. It's not a popularity contest. It's fine for the grandparents to be seen as fun and doesn't take away from your kids' love for you.

[Anonymous]

Unless they live with you, try some breathing and relaxation techniques? No kid ended up a spoiled rat forever because grandparents "spoiled" them for a few days. Nor does it actually undermine parent in kids' eyes in any kind of a long run. Kids know that this is an exception. The undermining is all in your head because you are unable to relax for a second. It is usually done by insecure parents like you who can't give up control for a second. Again, if they don't live with you, why do you hate them?