Grandparents, please stop undermining your kids' authority as parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 2 year old loves my parents and, in many ways, they are great grandparents. Problem is, they undermine our authority regularly. I get the whole "grandparents spoil kids" thing, but it's annoying when things like the following happen:

- DH is trying to enforce having DD either walk or sit in her stroller, and the grandparents just pick her up and carry her.

- We tell her she needs to sit at the table with us and eat her dinner, and the grandparents tell her she can eat 2 bites and then run around the living room, and then come back for another 2 bites, rinse and repeat.

These may not seem like big things, but they're things we're working on with her. Whenever my parents are around, she sees us as the mean disciplinarians and grandma and grandpa as the fun people who let her do whatever she wants, which is not a great dynamic.

Anyway, rant over.

How often are you and the grandparents together? If not often, just relax your rules while they are there. If it's often, then undermine your parents. If grandparent says she can have 2 bites then run around, you say, firmly, No, sorry Suzy, grandma is incorrect, you need to stay in your seat, and then impose any consequence you otherwise would. Let the grandparents do whatever they want (so long as it's safe) if kids are with them and you aren't there.

Also, stop caring about being seen as a mean disciplinarian. If they don't ever think you're mean, you're doing your job wrong. It's not a popularity contest. It's fine for the grandparents to be seen as fun and doesn't take away from your kids' love for you.

I don't care about being seen as a disciplinarian as long as my parents are supporting me in it rather than telling her she doesn't have to listen to me.

They're here every other weekend, so it's a regular thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

Then please don't make us visit. Tantrums are part of toddler life. If we were home, firm and consistent, the tantrums wouldn't be happening. Lax grandparents mean more tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 2 year old loves my parents and, in many ways, they are great grandparents. Problem is, they undermine our authority regularly. I get the whole "grandparents spoil kids" thing, but it's annoying when things like the following happen:

- DH is trying to enforce having DD either walk or sit in her stroller, and the grandparents just pick her up and carry her.

- We tell her she needs to sit at the table with us and eat her dinner, and the grandparents tell her she can eat 2 bites and then run around the living room, and then come back for another 2 bites, rinse and repeat.

These may not seem like big things, but they're things we're working on with her. Whenever my parents are around, she sees us as the mean disciplinarians and grandma and grandpa as the fun people who let her do whatever she wants, which is not a great dynamic.

Anyway, rant over.

How often are you and the grandparents together? If not often, just relax your rules while they are there. If it's often, then undermine your parents. If grandparent says she can have 2 bites then run around, you say, firmly, No, sorry Suzy, grandma is incorrect, you need to stay in your seat, and then impose any consequence you otherwise would. Let the grandparents do whatever they want (so long as it's safe) if kids are with them and you aren't there.

Also, stop caring about being seen as a mean disciplinarian. If they don't ever think you're mean, you're doing your job wrong. It's not a popularity contest. It's fine for the grandparents to be seen as fun and doesn't take away from your kids' love for you.

I agree with this. If you are talking about family that isn't local that you don't see much, let it go and let them spoil. Otherwise, pick and choose - I personally would be firm about the table manners and of course anything regarding safety (car seats, strapping into the high chair etc) would be non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless they live with you, try some breathing and relaxation techniques? No kid ended up a spoiled rat forever because grandparents "spoiled" them for a few days. Nor does it actually undermine parent in kids' eyes in any kind of a long run. Kids know that this is an exception. The undermining is all in your head because you are unable to relax for a second. It is usually done by insecure parents like you who can't give up control for a second. Again, if they don't live with you, why do you hate them?

Whoa, when did I say I hate them? I actually said that, in many ways, they're great grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My brother in law’s kids are completely out of control and somewhat delayed—and yesterday they hadn’t eaten all day. They must have gotten 700 new toys and wouldn’t eat their dinner, and my MIL just kept opening new toys for them or helping them put them together while they continued to refuse to eat (they’re almost 5yo). I know I’m not a parent but I was like for the love of god stop opening toys until they’ve taken at least a few bites of food!

I otherwise like my MIL, but any and all discipline and rules go out the window at her house and the kids tend to act like animals because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

Then please don't make us visit. Tantrums are part of toddler life. If we were home, firm and consistent, the tantrums wouldn't be happening. Lax grandparents mean more tantrums.

OP here. Yep. DD rarely has tantrums when it's just us because we respect her sleep needs, keep her on a predictable schedule, and try to balance setting rules and giving her choices. The tantrums happen when they're around and she knows they'll give her whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

Then please don't make us visit. Tantrums are part of toddler life. If we were home, firm and consistent, the tantrums wouldn't be happening. Lax grandparents mean more tantrums.

So which is it? Are tantrums part of toddler life or is being firm and consistent the magic way to eradicate toddler tantrums? I could swear we have questions about toddler tantrums that do not involve grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

Then please don't make us visit. Tantrums are part of toddler life. If we were home, firm and consistent, the tantrums wouldn't be happening. Lax grandparents mean more tantrums.

So which is it? Are tantrums part of toddler life or is being firm and consistent the magic way to eradicate toddler tantrums? I could swear we have questions about toddler tantrums that do not involve grandparents.

Some degree of tantruming is just part of toddler life. That said, I think you can cut down on them a ton by having a predictable routine, making sure the kid gets enough sleep and eats a healthy and balanced diet (to the extent that's possible with a toddler, but you do your best), and giving the kid choices when possible, so he/she feels in control over at least some things. I read somewhere that well over half of toddler tantrums are due to kids not getting enough sleep, so that's one reason we really prioritize DD's naptime and bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you’re her parents you’re supposed to be the disciplinarian. And no one wants to hear your kids tantrums this includes relatives.

Then please don't make us visit. Tantrums are part of toddler life. If we were home, firm and consistent, the tantrums wouldn't be happening. Lax grandparents mean more tantrums.

OP here. Yep. DD rarely has tantrums when it's just us because we respect her sleep needs, keep her on a predictable schedule, and try to balance setting rules and giving her choices. The tantrums happen when they're around and she knows they'll give her whatever she wants.

Aren't you just a peach? Mom of a 2 year old and so well versed in all the things kids. This is about control, your control, you not being able to say, "it is ok to do this once, because grandma and grandpa are here." If you are otherwise an ok parent couple of days of grandparents spoiling her will be good for her. As another pp posts(annoyingly) unclench.

[Anonymous]

Here is some food for thought OP.

I have a 16 year old.

When he was little, my mom would give him and the other cousins a cone of orange sherbet when any of them came to her house. She would feed them this before dinner, or if they only ate a bite or two of lunch "because he is hungry" even if I specifically told him he had to finish his veggies before getting a treat.

It happened every single visit, every single day, whether we visited for a day or a week.

My mom passed away unexpectedly a couple of days after my 16 year old turned 3. She was an awesome grandma Nd it was tragic.

13+ years later, that orange ice cream is one of the very few concrete things my 16 year old remembers about his grandma. The first time I picked up some orange sherbet from the store, he was around 13 and said "Hey, isn't that the ice cream Grandma would feed us? I remember her following us around the kitchen with ice cream cones whenever we went there."

I am so happy he still has that loving memory of grandma.

OP, often those sweet, simple indulgences by grandparents are the ones that will stick with kids many years down the road. And even if the action of Grandpa taking her out of the stroller to carry her down the road does not stay, that feeling of being loved and nurtured by her grandparents will stick with her forever.

You are not talking about defying values here. You are talking about grandparents loving her, which is never a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m totally with you. When they fail to respect quite reasonable rules that you’ve set, it’s not just spoiling, but is dissing you. It’s rude and disrespectful of your efforts and efficacy as a parent.

I don’t see why grandparents always get excused for this crap. They should be capable of minor adjustments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m totally with you. When they fail to respect quite reasonable rules that you’ve set, it’s not just spoiling, but is dissing you. It’s rude and disrespectful of your efforts and efficacy as a parent.

I don’t see why grandparents always get excused for this crap. They should be capable of minor adjustments.

Because grandparents are supposed to indulge their grandkids. It is only recently that a loving grandparent spoiling the grandparents is considered, as you say, crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

Oh but they are battles to fight. These things lead to bigger things when grandparents think they over rule mom and dad. This isn't showing love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

Oh but they are battles to fight. These things lead to bigger things when grandparents think they over rule mom and dad. This isn't showing love.

You are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

Oh but they are battles to fight. These things lead to bigger things when grandparents think they over rule mom and dad. This isn't showing love.

You are wrong.