Grandparents, please stop undermining your kids' authority as parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not just the carrying around. It’s letting her eat wherever she wants to, when we try to enforce having her sit at the table. Apparently she’s been having more trouble staying at the table at daycare to eat than she used to, making it that much more important to stay consistent at home.

They also let her watch videos on their phones for much longer than we let her do, which inevitably leads to tantrums when we don’t let her have unlimited access to videos.

That bolded is really common for 2.

I am sure if the daycare knew you were using this kind of example to keep her grandparents from indulging her a day or two a month, they would regret saying anything to you.

No, they would say it’s important for all regular caregivers to be consistent.

[Anonymous]

Indulging for a day, whatever Grandparents might do when they alone with the child, is a big negative but Op's examples are far worse. And it would be far worse the older the child. When Grandparents usurp the parent's authority, in front of the child, that is far worse. It is blatant disrespectful. And it is being very in-your-face disrespect, showing the children we Grandparents do not respect your parents.

I agree. Stop it.
Signed, a Grandma who gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not just the carrying around. It’s letting her eat wherever she wants to, when we try to enforce having her sit at the table. Apparently she’s been having more trouble staying at the table at daycare to eat than she used to, making it that much more important to stay consistent at home.

They also let her watch videos on their phones for much longer than we let her do, which inevitably leads to tantrums when we don’t let her have unlimited access to videos.

New poster here.

What have you said to the grandparents about all this? If I missed an earlier post by you about how you have tried to handle this with them, sorry. Have you (it should be you if it's your own parents, your DH if it's his parents, sounds like it's only yours?) sat down with them -- when your child is not around and nowhere nearby -- and had a kind but firm talk about this?

I agree with you that since you see your own child's behaviors far more than they do, you see that changes to those behaviors twice each month do actually have an effect on DD; it seems that the eating at daycare is being affected by the mixed signals at home regarding how she eats.

But do they know that? Can you tell them that without making it come off as blame and finger-pointing and causing a rift where you don't need to cause one?

I'd wait until just before the next meal together, then take the grandparents both aside, tell them you have a serious request for them, and say, "Last time you were here, we told DD to stay put for her meal but you told her in front of me that it was OK for her to eat, get up and come back to eat more. When we have lunch just now, I'm asking you not to do that. If she looks to you to let her get down, please say that she needs to stay put like mom says. The reason here is something you couldn't have known -- she used to do well eating at daycare, and recently started popping up and down during daycare mealtimes. That is a problem or daycare and for me, and we need to be very con wesistent at home so she learns to stay at the table and learns that she can't come back and keep eating. Can you please do that for me on this visit? She may act unhappy or even pout or fuss but this is important to me and to her when you're not around."

If your relationship is more casual, just boil it down to, "Hey, I feel you don't have my back here on something

Same type of talk could be applied to the carrying but I actually agree with PPs that her being carried to the playground two weekends a month shouldn't be a big deal. If grandpa and grandma pick her up and haul her all over the house and everywhere else and it causes tantrums, yeah, tell them that they don't see the fusses later, after they leave you, that happen when she expects to be carried by you and spouse and you say no.

Do be aware that the amount of time they're there won't spoil her forever. Do pick a battle from among the several issues you mention -- one battle, not all these little skirmishes. Do be clear with them and direct; if you tell them clearly "I'm going to tell her that she can't get up from the table and I'm asking you to reinforce that by saying please stay in the seat and eat with grandma and grandpa" etc. -- and they still say the opposite -- then it's time for a more serious talk to tell them that you say X and they say Y right in front of you, and that is making you stress about their visits.

You're very fortunate they see as much of her as they do and that they are in good enough health to visit so frequently. You're also lucky that they don't live right in your town and drop over unannounced or bug you to let them take your child for the weekend or whatever. Focus on those positives whenever you can.

And do they mostly hang out with DD when they visit, or do they do things with her like go to museums (lots of great little-kid activities even for toddlers in the DC area) or toddler-and-me classes (they could be the ones to take her to toddler music class every other Saturday or whatever while you do the Saturdays they're not visiting....). I'd start working to set up more activities that wear her out and get them interacting with her other than by showing her videos on the phone. But you have to start that ball rolling yourself.

[Anonymous]

should be "consistent" above, not "con wesistant" or whatever!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am sure twice a month grandparents letting her not sit is the reason a 2 year old is not sitting as she used to at daycare for meals. My question to you, if you work a lot and DD is in daycare a lot, why blame grandparents for some behavior issues? You made it sound like your dd is perfectly behaved apart from when grandparents are there. Now, it comes clear that she is just a regular two year old and you are blaming people who see her twice a month for unruly behavior? By that I mean you think your parents are acting unruly and not your DD? Since you seem so close to your parents, why not just tell them that she will not be carried or whatever, and that's that. But, you have to stop blaming people who see her twice a month for her being a typical 2 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not just the carrying around. It’s letting her eat wherever she wants to, when we try to enforce having her sit at the table. Apparently she’s been having more trouble staying at the table at daycare to eat than she used to, making it that much more important to stay consistent at home.

They also let her watch videos on their phones for much longer than we let her do, which inevitably leads to tantrums when we don’t let her have unlimited access to videos.

That bolded is really common for 2.

I am sure if the daycare knew you were using this kind of example to keep her grandparents from indulging her a day or two a month, they would regret saying anything to you.

No, they would say it’s important for all regular caregivers to be consistent.

Grandparents visiting a week over Christmas or a couple of days a month are not caregivers.

Any preschool teacher with even a tiny but of training or understanding of toddler development would say let grandpa carry her and let grandma give her a snack.

[Anonymous]

OP (and other parents agreeing with OP) read this post again.

Anonymous wrote:Here is some food for thought OP.

I have a 16 year old.

When he was little, my mom would give him and the other cousins a cone of orange sherbet when any of them came to her house. She would feed them this before dinner, or if they only ate a bite or two of lunch "because he is hungry" even if I specifically told him he had to finish his veggies before getting a treat.

It happened every single visit, every single day, whether we visited for a day or a week.

My mom passed away unexpectedly a couple of days after my 16 year old turned 3. She was an awesome grandma Nd it was tragic.

13+ years later, that orange ice cream is one of the very few concrete things my 16 year old remembers about his grandma. The first time I picked up some orange sherbet from the store, he was around 13 and said "Hey, isn't that the ice cream Grandma would feed us? I remember her following us around the kitchen with ice cream cones whenever we went there."

I am so happy he still has that loving memory of grandma.

OP, often those sweet, simple indulgences by grandparents are the ones that will stick with kids many years down the road. And even if the action of Grandpa taking her out of the stroller to carry her down the road does not stay, that feeling of being loved and nurtured by her grandparents will stick with her forever.

You are not talking about defying values here. You are talking about grandparents loving her, which is never a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I am sure twice a month grandparents letting her not sit is the reason a 2 year old is not sitting as she used to at daycare for meals. My question to you, if you work a lot and DD is in daycare a lot, why blame grandparents for some behavior issues? You made it sound like your dd is perfectly behaved apart from when grandparents are there. Now, it comes clear that she is just a regular two year old and you are blaming people who see her twice a month for unruly behavior? By that I mean you think your parents are acting unruly and not your DD? Since you seem so close to your parents, why not just tell them that she will not be carried or whatever, and that's that. But, you have to stop blaming people who see her twice a month for her being a typical 2 year old.

I agree.

She sees grandparents twice per month.

She sees daycare 20 something out of 30 ish days per month, for 6 to 8 hours +/- per day.

Which situation is most likely the one to create behavior issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP (and other parents agreeing with OP) read this post again.

Anonymous wrote:Here is some food for thought OP.

I have a 16 year old.

When he was little, my mom would give him and the other cousins a cone of orange sherbet when any of them came to her house. She would feed them this before dinner, or if they only ate a bite or two of lunch "because he is hungry" even if I specifically told him he had to finish his veggies before getting a treat.

It happened every single visit, every single day, whether we visited for a day or a week.

My mom passed away unexpectedly a couple of days after my 16 year old turned 3. She was an awesome grandma Nd it was tragic.

13+ years later, that orange ice cream is one of the very few concrete things my 16 year old remembers about his grandma. The first time I picked up some orange sherbet from the store, he was around 13 and said "Hey, isn't that the ice cream Grandma would feed us? I remember her following us around the kitchen with ice cream cones whenever we went there."

I am so happy he still has that loving memory of grandma.

OP, often those sweet, simple indulgences by grandparents are the ones that will stick with kids many years down the road. And even if the action of Grandpa taking her out of the stroller to carry her down the road does not stay, that feeling of being loved and nurtured by her grandparents will stick with her forever.

You are not talking about defying values here. You are talking about grandparents loving her, which is never a bad thing.

That is very sweet, and great that it worked out for this OP.

But this in a rare scenario. In most situations, rules that train kids for the long run are good.

[Anonymous]

NP. I just don’t understand why does showing love = spoiling? I think grandparents who do this know full well what they are doing. My kids have 2 sets of local grandparents so we see them every 2 weeks or more. One set follows parental rules and double checks everything with parents regarding food, presents, schedule etc. yet they manage to show love by taking grandkids to the park, playing games etc. other set of grandparents relishes in breaking parental rules, having secrets behind parents back no matter how many conversations we have had on the subject. It is really maddening. Being a parent is hard enough so it is selfish and rude to undermine parents under the guise of clueless grandparental love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I just don’t understand why does showing love = spoiling? I think grandparents who do this know full well what they are doing. My kids have 2 sets of local grandparents so we see them every 2 weeks or more. One set follows parental rules and double checks everything with parents regarding food, presents, schedule etc. yet they manage to show love by taking grandkids to the park, playing games etc. other set of grandparents relishes in breaking parental rules, having secrets behind parents back no matter how many conversations we have had on the subject. It is really maddening. Being a parent is hard enough so it is selfish and rude to undermine parents under the guise of clueless grandparental love.

Hear, hear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to have to get your own parenting, boundary issues and priorities straight. Posting complaints on an anonymous list serve is pretty useless. How many grandparents do you think are on DCUM? If they are that clever, they’re probably also doing these little things to irritate you for fun.

Haha, I love this!

[Anonymous]

[u]

Anonymous wrote:These are not battles to fight.

They sound like loving grandparents.

You don't pick a fight about grandparents showing their love or indulging.

If parent is in the room while grandparent does this, it isnt about lovingthe grandkid, but about selfish indulgence of their own needs and feeling the need to assert dominance over the parents.

Aquiet conversation is in order.

[Anonymous]

Grandma here: the rules are MUCH stricter at my house, where proper table manners are expected, plenty of please, thank you and no fart jokes or words like "crap." Screen time is strictly limited. They still beg to come to my house and I love to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I just don’t understand why does showing love = spoiling? I think grandparents who do this know full well what they are doing. My kids have 2 sets of local grandparents so we see them every 2 weeks or more. One set follows parental rules and double checks everything with parents regarding food, presents, schedule etc. yet they manage to show love by taking grandkids to the park, playing games etc. other set of grandparents relishes in breaking parental rules, having secrets behind parents back no matter how many conversations we have had on the subject. It is really maddening. Being a parent is hard enough so it is selfish and rude to undermine parents under the guise of clueless grandparental love.

Hear, hear!

Omg. Well, go and hire a grandparent then so that you can direct their behavior as you wish.