MIL doesn't want to see my parents, but my parents want to see MIL

[Anonymous]

MIL comes to visit a few times per year. My parents are local. MIL and my parents have a pretty good relationship overall. My mom and MIL talk on the phone every few weeks, my mom sends her photos of our kids because MIL is bad at ordering online, etc.

But there's a bad/weird dynamic in that when MIL comes to visit, she doesn't want to see my parents for a few hours for dinner or something. My mom asked me what our plans are for next week, and I said that MIL is coming next week and my mom had spoken with MIL last week and MIL hadn't mentioned it at all which my mom thinks is strange. I'm not going to lie to my mom to protect MIL.

Now, MIL is completely entitled to her choice of not wanting to see them. But the problem is that it puts me and DH in the middle. My parents find out she's coming and ask what our plans are and whether we can all get together. I put them off as long as I can, knowing MIL doesn't want to spend time with them. My parents get offended that she's never interested in seeing them and ask me why. DH and I are stuck between managing my parents' feelings and MIL's feelings. I want to just come out with it and tell my parents that MIL is nice to them as a courtesy, but isn't really interested in spending any time with them. She doesn't like to share any time with my kids, and she already feels threatened by the fact that my parents are local and spend more time with my kids than MIL does. But I also feel like MIL can be polite and suck it up for a few hours since she talks a lot about etiquette and manners, but only when it behooves her opinions and feelings. Hell, I don't really want MIL to come stay with us next week but it's the nice thing to do so I suck it up.

MIL is coming next week. This dance has started already. How do I handle this?

[Anonymous]

"Mom, this happens every time, and I'm frankly not going to be doing this with you anymore. Angela is coming into town. For whatever reason--and I really don't know why--she wants focused time with us and prefers not to see you during her visits. It's not my decision, so I can't explain it; however, she is my guest who does not get to see us very often, so I will be acommodating her preference. I'm not going to discuss this with you further."

[Mom brings it up again.]

"I said I wouldn't discuss this further, and I meant it."

[Mom pushes.]

"Mom, it seems like this isn't a productive conversation, so I'm going to need to hang up now, unless we can change the subject."

[Anonymous]

I do think it's a bit rude that your MIL completely avoids your parents. She should at least be willing to see them every other visit or so. It would be nice for your kids to have all of their grandparents together in a room. I remember I loved when all of my grandparents were together with me.

[Anonymous]

Why do they talk every few weeks? What do they talk about, particularly since they rarely see each other?

[Anonymous]

My mom is your MIL and my MIL is your mother. If you are like me you just wish they never communicated at all after a polite hello at the wedding!
I stopped running interference for my mom years ago. I don’t tell my MIL that my mom can’t stand her and only tolerates conversations with her because she feels obligated and also because she LOVES hearing family gossip from MIL side of the family. MIL is totally oblivious though. I don’t think she realizes in all the years my mom has never extended an invite to her, doesn’t send her anything, etc.

I would refer your mom to speak directly with your MIL when she has questions about her. Let MIL be the one to either decline the dinner invite or politely sit through dinner.
“I’m not sure, you should ask Linda about it.”
“I really don’t know why Linda doesn’t want to get together with you when she is in town. You would have to ask her about it.”
Eventually she will learn that you will not be the go between on this. She will either stop being so friendly with MIL or continue as is and stop worrying about MIL lack of reciprocity or worst case, she will keep whining why to you and maybe you can choose to be forward and blunt at that time but really I am not sure it is your place to speak on behalf of your MIL. MIL needs to grow up and manage it.

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to accept the situation and not sulk. Your MIL sounds reasonable. Perhaps one day a year they can see each other.

My parents don't want to share time with me or the kids either... except they get positively INSANE about it. Example: my aunt called to invite to stay at their country house for Christmas, my mother picked up the phone, and REFUSED for me. I got wind of it, and called my aunt back to rectify the answer. My mother reflexively does that sort of thing, it's a mental illness. She just cannot stand having other people get time with me: she dislikes my husband, she encourages me to ditch my friends, I mean it reaches a completely disturbing level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, this happens every time, and I'm frankly not going to be doing this with you anymore. Angela is coming into town. For whatever reason--and I really don't know why--she wants focused time with us and prefers not to see you during her visits. It's not my decision, so I can't explain it; however, she is my guest who does not get to see us very often, so I will be acommodating her preference. I'm not going to discuss this with you further."

[Mom brings it up again.]

"I said I wouldn't discuss this further, and I meant it."

[Mom pushes.]

"Mom, it seems like this isn't a productive conversation, so I'm going to need to hang up now, unless we can change the subject."

New poster. This script focuses on being firm with OP's mom, but the one who seems to need the talking to is MIL. She sounds so jealous of OP's parents' being local. MIL's being rude; it sounds as if OP's parents want to be friendly and MIL is all about protecting "her time" from them.

The DH needs to tell his mom that there will be one all-grandparent dinner during her stay because the kids need to see all the grandparents together as part of the family. He also can tell his mom frankly how OP's parents want to see her and be cordial and catch up like friends, but her insistence that they're encroaching on her grandkids time is impolite at best and petty and self-centered at worst.

[Anonymous]

Mom, MIL only has a few days while she's here to catch up and spend time with DH and the kids. She wants to focus on spending time with them this visit. Maybe next time she comes, you can coordinate with her before her visit for a time for everyone to get together.

[Anonymous]

If the parents are local and the MIL only visits a few times per year it’s not unreasonable at all for the MIL to want to spend time with her kid and grandkids. Without others around. She’s not visiting to see OP’s parents. I think the OP’s parents need to allow the MIL her own time with everyone. I’m sure OP’s parents get to spend plenty of time with the OP and the grandkids. They need to step back and give some space for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, this happens every time, and I'm frankly not going to be doing this with you anymore. Angela is coming into town. For whatever reason--and I really don't know why--she wants focused time with us and prefers not to see you during her visits. It's not my decision, so I can't explain it; however, she is my guest who does not get to see us very often, so I will be acommodating her preference. I'm not going to discuss this with you further."

[Mom brings it up again.]

"I said I wouldn't discuss this further, and I meant it."

[Mom pushes.]

"Mom, it seems like this isn't a productive conversation, so I'm going to need to hang up now, unless we can change the subject."

New poster. This script focuses on being firm with OP's mom, but the one who seems to need the talking to is MIL. She sounds so jealous of OP's parents' being local. MIL's being rude; it sounds as if OP's parents want to be friendly and MIL is all about protecting "her time" from them.

The DH needs to tell his mom that there will be one all-grandparent dinner during her stay because the kids need to see all the grandparents together as part of the family. He also can tell his mom frankly how OP's parents want to see her and be cordial and catch up like friends, but her insistence that they're encroaching on her grandkids time is impolite at best and petty and self-centered at worst.

OP here. I will admit that this aspect of it bothers me. DH and I planned a trip with the kids, and MIL pretty much insisted that she be allowed to come with us. Not only did she insist on coming with us, but she also insisted that my parents NOT be allowed to come. She said that my parents get to see the kids more often, so this trip should be a privilege just reserved for her. DH and I had no plans for any grandparents to come, so we told her no. She kept pushing and we kept telling her no. She didn’t believe that my parents weren’t invited and we had to tell her multiple times that my parents weren’t coming.

It’s definitely a jealousy issue. MIL’s other grandchildren are local and she pretty much raised them, so that’s her only frame of reference of being a grandparent. We’ve tried explaining to her that we really don’t see my parents as often as she thinks, but she just thinks we’re placating her when it’s the truth.

So I think both sides are kind of wrong here and we’re caught in the middle. I guess I could tell my mom to bring it up directly with MIL, but I highly doubt she will. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do they talk every few weeks? What do they talk about, particularly since they rarely see each other?

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they talk every few weeks? What do they talk about, particularly since they rarely see each other?

Yup

+1. This doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

I get your MIL wanting time with her grandkids BUT it’s also nice for kids to see both sets of grandparents together. That’s just silk that your MIL won’t have a quick dinner or something with both sides. It’s a blessing to have three generations together on both sides many people don’t have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your MIL wanting time with her grandkids BUT it’s also nice for kids to see both sets of grandparents together. That’s just silk that your MIL won’t have a quick dinner or something with both sides. It’s a blessing to have three generations together on both sides many people don’t have that.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't blame your MIL. She's not related to your mom and they aren't family. Mine have to see each other at kid's events like birthdays, births and baptisms and that's enough.