MIL doesn't want to see my parents, but my parents want to see MIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My parents are local and my kids see them 1-2x a week. When my in-laws visit, we don’t ask them to share their limited time with our kids. The exception is the kids’ birthdays where everyone is invited. My parents like to see my in-laws, but don’t hang around a ton. My kids are very close with my parents due to frequency / proximity and my parents are careful not to steal the spotlight from my in-laws. |
Anonymous
| it's absurd for your MIL to invade your home for a week and expect that your parents be kept a bay...particularly a week when the children won't be in school. It's OK not to spend structured time together but if your parents want to say hello or do something with the kids why shouldn't they be able to? |
Anonymous
|
Wait, is your MIL calling your parents, or is your mom calling your MIL?
My parents (who live a day's drive away) were not particularly fond of my ILs (who live in our area), but they were polite, and someone might have mistaken it for friendliness, I guess. But when my parents came to visit, they preferred not to see my ILs. We tried to compromise by having dinner with the ILs the first night of a visit, but then my MIL would try to figure out how we could get together again later in the visit. Eventually my spouse and I stopped telling my ILs when my parents were coming to visit, or told them about every third visit or so, and we'd get together then. It was not because my parents were jealous of my ILs, I promise, although maybe that would have been a soothing lie to tell them. My ILs meant well, but their personalities just didn't mesh well with my parents'. (Or mine. Or their son's.) |
Anonymous
I agree. Just have your DH touch base with his mom. "Hey mom, we're excited to see you next week. Other than Jim and Sue coming over for dinner on Wednesday night, we're pretty open. Anything in particular you want to do while you are here?" If she is coming for a week, there is no reason you can't host one dinner for both sides. Don't let her hijack your house like that. |
Anonymous
|
I think it is OK not to have your MIL share their limited time with your mother every time but especially at holidays this is just rude to your mom. If your ILs only visited once a year or if your mother was overbearing you could see the ILs side but you do not - should not - support the rudeness your ILs want you complicit in.
I am a new MIL and my DD's IL are the local family for our granddaughter. I try and be very very circumspect that they are imbedded in the day to day of the family and I am the visitor. I would never ever ask my DD to keep ILs away and I always make a point of thanking them for helping out so much and say how lucky granddaughter has a loving family surrounding her. I am not close to them but I see keeping the family circle around this young family strong. (I am close to my DD and have the best SIL!) |
Anonymous
|
I’m going to change my answer. My in-laws come for 2-3 days and my parents back off.
You can’t keep your mom away on Christmas! You can’t keep her away for a whole week! MIL needs to suck it up. Your mom needs to be part of Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I make sure kids have separate opportunities to open gofts from grandparents. For example my son’s BD was on a Thursday this year. He opened presents with my parents at our normally Wednesday dinner. He opened presents from us on his actual birthday. He opened presents from my in-laws on Friday night when my in-laws arrived for the weekend. During the week when the kids are off school, plan events for each of your kids with your mom. This will allow MIL to have one on one time with each kid. |
Anonymous
No it's not that tough. And if it really hard, she can be a grown up and deal with her feelings about it on her own time. This is just LIFE. It's not a personal vendetta. These grandparents are local, friendly, and want to show this woman kindness! A few hours during a visit is not a big deal. Does it need to be every visit is a grandparent meeting? Maybe not. But she's been blowing them off for several visits now. This MIL is going to fracture her relationship with her DIL over this, instead of just giving up a few hours of time to be NICE. OP, I'd just invite my parents over for a casual dinner. Don't ask MIL, just mention it to her that morning. |
Anonymous
I think it is really weird that OPs mom is so insistent at seeing OPs MIL. MILs reaction seems normal to me |
Anonymous
Many of you have reading comprehension problems. OP never said that she desperately wants to have her mother over, and her MIL is preventing her from doing so. Her mother is pestering her for an invitation. OP, I think if someone is staying with you, and you intentionally invite someone over that you *know* your guest would prefer not to see, you are the rude one. |
Anonymous
| Okay, I was one who said that MIL should be entitled to have a visit where she gets time with her son and his children. But seeing other responses, I'll amend my response. If she wants a visit all to herself to see her son and grandkids, then she needs to do it away from the holidays. If she is coming to visit during the holidays, then she'll have to share her family with her in-laws and see them. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't force people who actively dislike each other into extra social situations, but I also don't understand PPs who want to keep the two sides of the family apart. I want to get to know my son in law better, so spending time with his parents/family occasionally is important. These people share grandchildren with you for goodness sake. Their genes and yours! |
Anonymous
But at some point, don't you know someone well enough to know you don't enjoy their company? My sister's been married for 25 years and my BIL is a tool. I don't shun him, but I don't seek him out, either. I think it's reasonable for OP's MIL not to want to see OP's parents, and OP should make reasonable accommodations of that preference. But her MIL needs to do her part by not visiting for more than a few days and by not trying to monopolize family time over the holidays. |
Anonymous
|
You have no business staying in a host's home if you also expect the host to ban their own mother from coming over for dinner ONE night during your stay.
If you are that inflexible you need to fork over the money and get yourself a hotel room and be willing to TIP WELL if you want the staff to bend over backwards for you. Or stay home. You are not a good house guest and you should own that. |
Anonymous
|
I'd think of it like this: she's there to see her son/grandkids and you (in that order). Your parents are not on the list. Your parents 'get you' all the time as they live close. She values her time and doesn't want to share it. Good problem to have.
I'd tell my parents she is an introvert/not into socializing and as they are adults they should get over this. My parents aren't into other people so I totally get that annoyed feeling of putting on a fake happy face when really they just want to hang at home and not deal with other humans. Having said that, I'd just pick an evening per visit and do a dinner in or out with your parents over. No warning/no asking permission. |
Anonymous
I'm not going to host 3 separate birthday parties - One for friends, one for my parents, one for in-laws just so that gifts can be opened separately. I did this a few times and it became the birthday that would not end. Thankfully no one insisted that it all be done separately. If somebody really needs to have a separate party like that, they can host it. |