MIL doesn't want to see my parents, but my parents want to see MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit rude that your MIL completely avoids your parents. She should at least be willing to see them every other visit or so. It would be nice for your kids to have all of their grandparents together in a room. I remember I loved when all of my grandparents were together with me.

That's all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the situation. MIL is a grown adult, and if she doesn't want to socialize with someone, she just doesn't have to. Now, OP/DH can still invite their parents over and give MIL fair warning, and it's on MIL to take herself out to dinner if she feels that strongly about it. But really, MIL should get an occasional visit the way she wants an occasional visit.

My parents would never be so rude as to push themselves on someone who doesn't care to socialize with them. My parents are gracious enough to drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

It's your house, Op. If you want to invite your own mother over for dinner one night that is MORE than fine.

[Anonymous]

My daughter's in laws were like this at first. I think it was because we are considerably wealthier than them. Once they realized that we're pretty laid back and have very close friends who share their faith and income level they loosened up. We still aren't best buds but we're comfortable meeting at Cracker Barrel for a meal. Meeting at DDs or our house seems more uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit rude that your MIL completely avoids your parents. She should at least be willing to see them every other visit or so. It would be nice for your kids to have all of their grandparents together in a room. I remember I loved when all of my grandparents were together with me.

That's all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the situation. MIL is a grown adult, and if she doesn't want to socialize with someone, she just doesn't have to. Now, OP/DH can still invite their parents over and give MIL fair warning, and it's on MIL to take herself out to dinner if she feels that strongly about it. But really, MIL should get an occasional visit the way she wants an occasional visit.

My parents would never be so rude as to push themselves on someone who doesn't care to socialize with them. My parents are gracious enough to drop the rope.

If MIL wants to control the guest list, MIL can host. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, this happens every time, and I'm frankly not going to be doing this with you anymore. Angela is coming into town. For whatever reason--and I really don't know why--she wants focused time with us and prefers not to see you during her visits. It's not my decision, so I can't explain it; however, she is my guest who does not get to see us very often, so I will be acommodating her preference. I'm not going to discuss this with you further."

[Mom brings it up again.]

"I said I wouldn't discuss this further, and I meant it."

[Mom pushes.]

"Mom, it seems like this isn't a productive conversation, so I'm going to need to hang up now, unless we can change the subject."

New poster. This script focuses on being firm with OP's mom, but the one who seems to need the talking to is MIL. She sounds so jealous of OP's parents' being local. MIL's being rude; it sounds as if OP's parents want to be friendly and MIL is all about protecting "her time" from them.

The DH needs to tell his mom that there will be one all-grandparent dinner during her stay because the kids need to see all the grandparents together as part of the family. He also can tell his mom frankly how OP's parents want to see her and be cordial and catch up like friends, but her insistence that they're encroaching on her grandkids time is impolite at best and petty and self-centered at worst.

OP here. I will admit that this aspect of it bothers me. DH and I planned a trip with the kids, and MIL pretty much insisted that she be allowed to come with us. Not only did she insist on coming with us, but she also insisted that my parents NOT be allowed to come. She said that my parents get to see the kids more often, so this trip should be a privilege just reserved for her. DH and I had no plans for any grandparents to come, so we told her no. She kept pushing and we kept telling her no. She didn’t believe that my parents weren’t invited and we had to tell her multiple times that my parents weren’t coming.

It’s definitely a jealousy issue. MIL’s other grandchildren are local and she pretty much raised them, so that’s her only frame of reference of being a grandparent. We’ve tried explaining to her that we really don’t see my parents as often as she thinks, but she just thinks we’re placating her when it’s the truth.

So I think both sides are kind of wrong here and we’re caught in the middle. I guess I could tell my mom to bring it up directly with MIL, but I highly doubt she will. -OP

When, that's her issue then. Tell her to bring it up with MIL. If she doesn't, and continues to ask you, repeat yourself. And if she continues, say, "Mom, I have enough to do without arranging playdates between senior citizens who are more than capable of communicating directly with each other. You deal with it."

[Anonymous]

Wow, MIL is acting like a toddler . How embarrassing for your DH.

Just come out and tell your parents your MIL is a bitch and can’t share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your house, Op. If you want to invite your own mother over for dinner one night that is MORE than fine.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your house, Op. If you want to invite your own mother over for dinner one night that is MORE than fine.

This times a thousand. It's Christmas week. If you want to invite your parents over, then by all means do. If you MIL would like to stay in a hotel to avoid it, let her. What a pill.

[Anonymous]

Does MIL tell you herself that she actively wants to avoid spending time with you parents? If so, you need to tell MIL that this is not possible since you and your children want to see your parents Christmas week. If she'd like to make herself scarce during their visit (by leaving your house, NOT by hiding in a bedroom) she's more than welcome to. I would not put up with this childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, this happens every time, and I'm frankly not going to be doing this with you anymore. Angela is coming into town. For whatever reason--and I really don't know why--she wants focused time with us and prefers not to see you during her visits. It's not my decision, so I can't explain it; however, she is my guest who does not get to see us very often, so I will be acommodating her preference. I'm not going to discuss this with you further."

[Mom brings it up again.]

"I said I wouldn't discuss this further, and I meant it."

[Mom pushes.]

"Mom, it seems like this isn't a productive conversation, so I'm going to need to hang up now, unless we can change the subject."

New poster. This script focuses on being firm with OP's mom, but the one who seems to need the talking to is MIL. She sounds so jealous of OP's parents' being local. MIL's being rude; it sounds as if OP's parents want to be friendly and MIL is all about protecting "her time" from them.

The DH needs to tell his mom that there will be one all-grandparent dinner during her stay because the kids need to see all the grandparents together as part of the family. He also can tell his mom frankly how OP's parents want to see her and be cordial and catch up like friends, but her insistence that they're encroaching on her grandkids time is impolite at best and petty and self-centered at worst.

OP here. I will admit that this aspect of it bothers me. DH and I planned a trip with the kids, and MIL pretty much insisted that she be allowed to come with us. Not only did she insist on coming with us, but she also insisted that my parents NOT be allowed to come. She said that my parents get to see the kids more often, so this trip should be a privilege just reserved for her. DH and I had no plans for any grandparents to come, so we told her no. She kept pushing and we kept telling her no. She didn’t believe that my parents weren’t invited and we had to tell her multiple times that my parents weren’t coming.

It’s definitely a jealousy issue. MIL’s other grandchildren are local and she pretty much raised them, so that’s her only frame of reference of being a grandparent. We’ve tried explaining to her that we really don’t see my parents as often as she thinks, but she just thinks we’re placating her when it’s the truth.

So I think both sides are kind of wrong here and we’re caught in the middle. I guess I could tell my mom to bring it up directly with MIL, but I highly doubt she will. -OP

When, that's her issue then. Tell her to bring it up with MIL. If she doesn't, and continues to ask you, repeat yourself. And if she continues, say, "Mom, I have enough to do without arranging playdates between senior citizens who are more than capable of communicating directly with each other. You deal with it."

Op's MIL is weird to be going out of her way to call Op's mom and be so friendly to her. It doesn't sound like Op is asking her ILs to be friends with her parents. Op's MIL has taken it upon herself to engage in this faux "friendly" chat with Op's mom and then acts all put out when Op's mom wants to stop by for a visit with this nice, "friendly" lady when she's in town.

MIL needs to drop the act. She is jealous of Op's mom and the relationship she has with the grandkids. Jealous does not = friendly. She is now trying to put Op in the position of keeping her mom away while making herself look like a sweetie pie. Nice.

I, personally, would tend to accommodate the one who is being nice and friendly (Op's mom).

[Anonymous]

MIL likely wants to avoid seeing her grandchildren more loving and familiar with your local parents. Tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your house, Op. If you want to invite your own mother over for dinner one night that is MORE than fine.

This times a thousand. It's Christmas week. If you want to invite your parents over, then by all means do. If you MIL would like to stay in a hotel to avoid it, let her. What a pill.

+1

She can't deal for 3 hours or so? Childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL likely wants to avoid seeing her grandchildren more loving and familiar with your local parents. Tough.

The sad thing is, getting along with the more familiar grandma in front of the grandchildren will make a positive impression on the grandkids and make the grandkids warm more to their other grandma because she'll be seen as part of their warm, inner circle.

[Anonymous]

The easy solution is to plan ONE dinner with all grandparents during the visit.

Beyond that you can tell your mom that MIL rarely gets to see the grandchildren so you want to facilitate one on one time as much as you can.

You can ask both sides to give a little without throwing anyone under the bus. The children will benefit most from growing up in an united family and seeing both sides get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The easy solution is to plan ONE dinner with all grandparents during the visit.

Beyond that you can tell your mom that MIL rarely gets to see the grandchildren so you want to facilitate one on one time as much as you can.

You can ask both sides to give a little without throwing anyone under the bus. The children will benefit most from growing up in an united family and seeing both sides get along.

[phone]