Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
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Anonymous
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On the way home from dinner tonight, my spouse mentioned several things that really freak me out. One, he knew how much I spent in the last day on Lyft rides. He was telling me about a DC cab app. I took Lyft yesterday as we live half a mile from the metro and I had to bring food in for our holiday party, along with my laptop, holiday gifts for my staff and packages to mail at the post office at lunch. Two, he mentioned that my last paycheck was $1200 short (we just got paid on Thursday). Third, he knew that I went to lunch and spent $14.
Long story, my grandmother passed away and my timekeeper entered my leave incorrectly. I had surgery where I was out a week and although I showed him screen shots of my leave and earning statement and timecard reports for the past pay periods, he thinks I am not attentive to my paycheck. I am an extremely detail oriented person, but my timekeeper is not the brightest and often makes errors on employee leave reports. Last year, it took forever to resolve and I had to contact my Congressional office. It doesn't help that my husband is on my case if it isn't resolved instantly. I rarely yell, but he kept berating me about a total of $20 in Lyft rides and a $14 lunch. We have one joint credit card with Chase and have some of the same apps for the food trucks, Sweetgreen, Panera. I am the one who is responsible for all family gifts, kids' party gifts, kids' clothing, dry cleaning, decorating. I buy all of my kids' clothing on consignment. I buy my clothing at Goodwill. People would say I am good at finding bargains and thrifting. I consign clothes 2x a year making around $900-1500. I get furniture on curb alert or the neighborhood list servs and then repair it myself or take it to a professional to reupholster. I shop at Aldi in the suburbs and Costco for big purchase. I buy organic and try to make a lot of meatless meals to save money. I no longer buy coffee or tea. I work full-time, yet cloth diaper my youngest child. I pack my lunch, meal plan, use the free gym and classes at work. We have one car. During the week, we exclusively walk, Metro and take the bus. My $250K student loans (grad and undergrad) are paid off...that was a requirement before we got married. Our major expense is child care. We spend $4K a month for day care and preschool. We don't have flexible jobs and can't telework to save commuting time. We love our children's child care providers and save to make expenses. The reason I say all this is to say that I am a thrifty and cost conscious person. In order to pay my student loans off, I lived in terrible conditions and had three jobs. I worked as a GS-13, then taught at a university at night and on the weekends worked at a health clinic and taught fitness classes. My husband is wealthy. He has a family trust. He owns multiple properties. He has a beach house and a country club membership. He is going skiing with his buddies in Europe because he found "a good deal". He is smart and didn't have student loans. His family bought him a car for college graduation. He invested all the money he would have spent on rent or tuition in stocks. He is savvy with finances and good with investing. He has never had to worry about money. I am a GS-15 middle manager at a government agency. My husband works in consulting but has a background in accounting and finance. He has never been fully transparent with me about his assets, particularly his other properties that are only in his name or his family trust or his investments. He always complains that he has to sell investments to cover our bills. My husband constantly makes comments about my spending. He can tell me off the top of his head every item I have spent in the last month. He complains about every little expense. However, we live in a $1.4M house (not my choice). We live in DC in a rather expensive neighborhood (not my choice). Many things that I find frivolous--like ski trips or trips abroad with his family--he thinks are a "good deal". Meanwhile, if I buy two pairs of work pants at J. Crew, I'm being careless with money. Friends of mine have commented about this since before we were married. We once went on a trip with my best friend and I would have to ask my husband permission to purchase art. Meanwhile, when my husband goes on work trips, he will come back with expensive wine, Persian rugs, jewelry. These are all gifts for me and our family. My dad actually asked me if I wanted to marry my husband a few days before our wedding because my husband insisted that my parents pay for everything because that is traditional while we were both in our 30s, with good jobs and living together. We had already agreed to pay for the band, photographer, flowers. My parents paid for our reception, shuttles for guests, a brunch and other things. It seemed ridiculous to me. Tonight I upset my older son because I raised my voice and cursed at my husband in the car. I was in tears. Is this financial control or just a typical accountant/CPA spouse? I love my husband, but he treats me like a small child. I also work in a financial capacity and have an econ degree and MBA. What would you do? I'm on the verge of couples counseling. Besides this, our marriage is very happy. My husband is otherwise very kind and considerate. What would you do if you were me? |
Anonymous
| That’s not normal. I think he’s being controlling. In accounting there’s a concept called materiality - basically if the amount is too small to impact anything, who f-Ing cares. Obsessing over your small expenditures when you don’t need the money for something else is not ok, especially when he’s spending whatever he wants on his stuff. |
Anonymous
My DH (who also grew up in a wealthier family than I) pulled this stuff for the first several years of our marriage, commenting on how much I'd spent on lunches, etc. I do think it was partly him just commenting because he's the type of person who says whatever is going through his mind at the moment, but finally I told him firmly if he didn't knock it off I would start just paying for everything in cash because I wasn't interested in all these comments from the peanut gallery. That got him because we earn cash back on our credit card  and he's stopped for the most part. And every. single. time he makes a comment, I remind him i'm happy to use cash and that nips it in the bid.
I also was very sensitive in the first years of our marriage about buying things I wanted without his "permission" whereas he bought whatever he wanted. But that was really me boxing myself in, not his doing, and from what you say I think there might be at least some of this going on in your case too, OP. I sort have had an epiphany one day that I didn't, in fact, have to ask permission. What was he going to do if I bought something I wanted? Get fussy? Maybe, but if so, so what? He could learn to deal. And in fact one I began just buying what I wanted, he was fine with it. Sure, there were a few comments as he got used to it, because I'd trained him that I'd "ask permission" and give him veto power, but when I just went ahead confidently he accepted it just fine. (All within reason, of course - I'm not going to go buy a new car or something without discussing it nor would he, but I don't ask if I can have a spa day or what have you.) Unless you're really afraid for your safety, which is a different issue and doesn't sound like the case here, I think you just have to retrain him and yourself that you are an equal partner. Yes, he may complain for awhile, but he'll get over it and in the long run it'll be better for both of you. You're not a child and he doesn't have to be your parent. I know in my case my husband wasn't really the jerk; I was being a doormat, which is frankly annoying and invites people to walk over one. So, you know. Stop doing that, is my advice, for what it's worth. It's hard because a lot of us are raised to be people pleasers, but it's really ok to stand up for yourself as an equal in your marriage. |
Anonymous
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I would be very unhappy in such a situation. It sounds terribly controlling. And his lack of transparency is also off base.
Honestly I am a huge fan of divorce. I don’t see how this gets better for you. I really don’t. |
Anonymous
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You need to set aside amounts you can spend monthly without answering to the other. I would also open a separate credit card that he doesn’t pick through.
It is the opposite in our marriage. It took me a while to let stuff like lunches go however we were dirt poor. It’s unfair for him to spend on a ski trip and complain about your spending. I would nip that shit in the bud immediately. Not normal. |
Anonymous
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Sounds really controlling. That said, marriage counseling for sure. You also need to really think about how much this bothers you versus all the good pasts of your marriage so that this doesn’t become an even bigger issue.
Why does he have so much time to be so up to date with all your expenditures? I’m a consultant and barely have time or energy to check my credit card statement every couple months |
Anonymous
+1 to this. Op, you need to push for the boundaries. I don’t think it’s him controlling, it’s hisbpersonality with money. He’s stingy. It probably runs in his family. That’s why they got wealthy. |
Anonymous
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So, DW here with controlling tendencies w/r/t money (okay, w/r/t to everything, but I'm working on it!). My DH and I have a joint credit card and I regularly monitor the statement for both of our spending. It's to avoid fraud, to track spending patterns, to see how many points we're earning, etc. I could definitely call to mind his recent purchases with ease, and some of the small ones drive me crazy b/c I'm very frugal on small expenses. He buys lunch every day (I mostly bring mine), he will uber rather than take the bus (I'm a regular bus rider). And, like your husband, I *will* blow large sums of money on trips or luxury items (high-quality work bag, for example). I see the value in vacation/travel and good quality items, but slowly frittering small amounts that add up and could be avoided drives me nuts. It's just the way I am.
That said, I *do not* hassle my husband about his spending patterns. I made a minor thing about it when we were first married and it just wasn't productive. I'll bring it up every now and then if we are specifically talking budgeting, but otherwise I let it alone. I am who I am, but he is who he is. He likes to get lunch out because he likes the mental break from work. He doesn't enjoy the bus because he'd rather get home to the kids sooner. I accept that and, even if I didn't, it's not my hill to die on. Just thought I'd add my perspective, if helpful. I agree with PPs to have a talk with him and tell him to back off and then just proceed as if he has backed off, i.e., spend what you want (within reason!) and don't ask permission. My DH and I have 100% merged finances, FWIW. We also have very similar goals and general frugal tendencies, even if they manifest in different ways. I think both of those things help. |
Anonymous
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My husband has done, and occasionally still does this. He's a control freak and has ADHD and OCD tendencies, which can get extremely unpleasant. But I give as good as I get. If necessary, I can scream, berate, silent treatment, or use any other form of neglect or punishment that comes to mind. Not pretty, but living with a crazy person teaches you a lot of ways to cope. |
Anonymous
+1. I am basically this person. Your husband sounds controlling and like a jerk. |
Anonymous
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Do you two ever go over your bills together? It kind of sounds like he's managing all the money, and you make it sound like you're broke. If he claims he has to sell investments to cover the bills, you should be able to see (he should be able to show you) where you are both spending more than your income and a sale happened in order to cover the bills. Somehow I doubt it's the Lyft trips or occasional lunch out. I do think he was right to point out the shortfall in your paycheck as that was a significant amount.
My DH & I had a little of this going on too earlier in our marriage, but as PP at 22:10 said- you have to learn to push back on that and he can learn to pick his battles better. Talk first, but then do it. I'd have trouble with the lack of transparency about his assets. But I'm the money manager in our family and it would freak me out not to have any idea what he has. |
Anonymous
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OP, are you taking any vacations with your friends? You have a lot going on and you are working hard, you and your DH both need breaks and if he is taking them because he sees value, you are not and he is getting on your case for taking an Uber I can see why you are about to blow (or have blown up) at him. Everything that the PPs said about strategy above sounds great but you also need to take time for yourself without guilt.
Separately, your agency needs to go to WEBTA, someone else should not be filling out your timesheets. We are troglodytes at my agency and we have an online time system. |
Anonymous
| There's no downside to doing marriage counseling. It might help. I wouldn't be happy living this way. It sounds crazy to me, and even crazier that he seems to be hiding his assets from you. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, this would not work for me, OP. If you are wanting to stay in this marriage, I suggest separating finances and paying for your stuff in cash, like lunches, ect. So he can't track you.
But, I couldn't live this way, so I'd be done. |
Anonymous
| You are beneath him, like the help. Eventually he will leave you with nothing. No way would I have married him. He sounds crazy. |