Reply to Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous]My DH (who also grew up in a wealthier family than I) pulled this stuff for the first several years of our marriage, commenting on how much I'd spent on lunches, etc. I do think it was partly him just commenting because he's the type of person who says whatever is going through his mind at the moment, but finally I told him firmly if he didn't knock it off I would start just paying for everything in cash because I wasn't interested in all these comments from the peanut gallery. That got him because we earn cash back on our credit card :) and he's stopped for the most part. And every. single. time he makes a comment, I remind him i'm happy to use cash and that nips it in the bid.

I also was very sensitive in the first years of our marriage about buying things I wanted without his "permission" whereas he bought whatever he wanted. But that was really me boxing myself in, not his doing, and from what you say I think there might be at least some of this going on in your case too, OP. I sort have had an epiphany one day that I didn't, in fact, have to ask permission. What was he going to do if I bought something I wanted? Get fussy? Maybe, but if so, so what? He could learn to deal. And in fact one I began just buying what I wanted, he was fine with it. Sure, there were a few comments as he got used to it, because I'd trained him that I'd "ask permission" and give him veto power, but when I just went ahead confidently he accepted it just fine. (All within reason, of course - I'm not going to go buy a new car or something without discussing it nor would he, but I don't ask if I can have a spa day or what have you.)

Unless you're really afraid for your safety, which is a different issue and doesn't sound like the case here, I think you just have to retrain him and yourself that you are an equal partner. Yes, he may complain for awhile, but he'll get over it and in the long run it'll be better for both of you. You're not a child and he doesn't have to be your parent. I know in my case my husband wasn't really the jerk; I was being a doormat, which is frankly annoying and invites people to walk over one. So, you know. Stop doing that, is my advice, for what it's worth. It's hard because a lot of us are raised to be people pleasers, but it's really ok to stand up for yourself as an equal in your marriage. [/quote]

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