Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my father. The financial abuse and control, eventually upped to emotional abuse, then onto physical abuse. Same pattern for wife number 2 and 3, except no physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut back on the small expenses as they add up.
A daily $14 lunch and Uber ride to get home are excessive. You probably are not as wealthy as you think

Nothing wrong with a $14 lunch and uber ride if they can afford it. They live in a million dollar house and are not hurting for money.

Perhaps they are. Sometimes a million dollar house is the reason you cannot do those things. Does OP have a clear idea of the financial situation

[Anonymous]

The op has a $1.4 m home and has 1 car / takes metro. She is a gs 15 with 2 kids in daycare.

Husband controls the finances-and spends nicely on his priorities- ski, art, Persian rugs , jewelry. But needs to sell investments to pay bills. The picture does not add up

[Anonymous]

My recommendation - sit down and discuss financial priorities.

Do you have a 6 month emergency cash set aside? This is where you go to when your paycheck gets messed up OR the government is shutdown.

Sit down and decide how much needs to be in that account and work for get the money there.

Next - create a budget. International travel is awesome - if it is in your budget. Trips with the guys can be fun - as well as a get away for you to be with friends.

You mentioned how much loans you took out - I know you are paying daycare right now - but what is the plan to pay for your children's college?

Do you both have life insurance? What would happen if tomorrow he is diagnosed with terminal cancer (I had a young co-worker pass earlier this week - he was diagnosed in April and they thought he was going to beat it). He leaves a 4 and 6 year old behind with his wife who was a SAHM b/c he traveled.

You are too educated with an MBA and working in finance to be sticking your head in the sand when it comes to your personal finances.

[Anonymous]

Counseling.

But also there's a simple solution -- separate bank accounts and credit cards. This is waht we do. DW pays for X (groceries, kids clothes, anything for herself), I pay for Y (mortgage, insurance, cars, vacations).

I have seen her Whole Foods bills and I think we don't really need organic avocados and organic bananas, but she's not asking me to pay for them so I don't bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Counseling.

But also there's a simple solution -- separate bank accounts and credit cards. This is waht we do. DW pays for X (groceries, kids clothes, anything for herself), I pay for Y (mortgage, insurance, cars, vacations).

I have seen her Whole Foods bills and I think we don't really need organic avocados and organic bananas, but she's not asking me to pay for them so I don't bring it up.

Separate bank accounts help with the nit picky comments - but it does not address the broader issue of lack of awareness (control) of family finances.

They live in DC in a $1.4 M home. You are not paying for that on a GS 15 salary + someone who is doing consulting but not a partner. So where did the down payment come from? You signed the mortgage payments - you can not be totally clueless WRT the assets that secured the loan.

[Anonymous]

Counseling and discussion of finances. If not, divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut back on the small expenses as they add up.
A daily $14 lunch and Uber ride to get home are excessive. You probably are not as wealthy as you think

Nothing wrong with a $14 lunch and uber ride if they can afford it. They live in a million dollar house and are not hurting for money.

Perhaps they are. Sometimes a million dollar house is the reason you cannot do those things. Does OP have a clear idea of the financial situation

I don’t understand how they can afford a lavish ski vacation for him, but $14 lunch and Lyft for her is going to break the budget.

[Anonymous]

I NEVER would have marred this person.

But, you are married now, with children. Agree that you need counseling.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut back on the small expenses as they add up.
A daily $14 lunch and Uber ride to get home are excessive. You probably are not as wealthy as you think

DH has chimed in. Go pack for your ski trip, chump.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised that he has not been forthcoming about his assets and keeps you in the dark about them. This is not right. You should have access to all of your family’s financial information. Otherwise, he will keep trying to make you feel like you are wasting money you don’t have or spending foolishly. It’s not fair to you. You should also make him responsible for any gifts or expenses that involve his family. He is not being a typical CPA spouse. He’s just being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have more kids with him. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the way home from dinner tonight, my spouse mentioned several things that really freak me out. One, he knew how much I spent in the last day on Lyft rides. He was telling me about a DC cab app. I took Lyft yesterday as we live half a mile from the metro and I had to bring food in for our holiday party, along with my laptop, holiday gifts for my staff and packages to mail at the post office at lunch. Two, he mentioned that my last paycheck was $1200 short (we just got paid on Thursday). Third, he knew that I went to lunch and spent $14.

Tonight I upset my older son because I raised my voice and cursed at my husband in the car. I was in tears. Is this financial control or just a typical accountant/CPA spouse? I love my husband, but he treats me like a small child. I also work in a financial capacity and have an econ degree and MBA. What would you do? I'm on the verge of couples counseling. Besides this, our marriage is very happy. My husband is otherwise very kind and considerate. What would you do if you were me?

Are you the OP of this thread -

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/771802.page

[Anonymous]

OP, you are still young. I think you need to make a plan and leave him. It won't be easy but this is not acceptable. I also don't think he will change. Why should he?

This is abuse. He is not forth coming about his side of the finances at all. Where is your taxes? Do you have a copy of them? You need to get copies of prior year taxes.

I check our accounts all the time and I would notice if dh's paycheck were short. We check in before big expenses. He is controlling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are still young. I think you need to make a plan and leave him. It won't be easy but this is not acceptable. I also don't think he will change. Why should he?

This is abuse. He is not forth coming about his side of the finances at all. Where is your taxes? Do you have a copy of them? You need to get copies of prior year taxes.

I check our accounts all the time and I would notice if dh's paycheck were short. We check in before big expenses. He is controlling you.

^^^ I meant, where is your tax return.