Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I am a CPA is he sounds like a borderline abusive control freak. |
Anonymous
| You each get spending money that you don’t have to explain. And gat a credit card he can’t monitor. |
Anonymous
| Wow. I think it’s controlling and intense. But I also don’t get people who have separate bank accounts post marriage. That just me. We have joint everything and go over stiff once a month. We both know how much we all have in assets and liabilities. Have a general sense of how much to spend without consulting the other. Over about $200-500 and I give my dh a heads up about it but it means we talked about buying whatever it is already. |
Anonymous
|
you have NINE paragraphs of justification before you get to your question. He has beaten you down so much over this issue that you have to type NINE paragraphs telling us about your thrifting and budgeting and cars etc.
If I were you, I'd have snapped back, yes, I took a Lyft, I had a lot of stuff to carry, what's the problem? Or, yes, I bought two pairs of pants- it's cheaper than your European trip. Or even, why are you harping so much on this? What is going on here? Clearly, you've passed the point of being able to have a rational discussion as equals (you're constantly feeling the need to over justify everything). You are an ADULT who makes money. You are as allowed to spend money as he is. At this point, I'd frankly recommend individual counseling to gain some of your own power back. You should be able to say to him, why are you being so insane about the Lyft? Back off, dude. |
Anonymous
|
Yep, you need to push back. You are worried about a Lyft I took because I had many packages and you're going on a European ski vacation? What gives?
If he tells you he has to sell investments to pay your bills, it's a pics or it didn't happen situation. Press him--what did you have to sell and what expenses was that covering--the Persian rugs or the ski vacation? Or you could take the ignore completely route. He complains about the Lyft cost and you act as if he said nothing and bring up another matter altogether about the kids, work, the weather whatever. To be successful, this takes a grand I just don't care attitude--I love him and he has this cute quirk of tracking every expense but I won't feed his obsession. And then don't. |
Anonymous
| Yes, time for therapy and an appointment with a financial advisor if you don't have one already. You should be aware of all accounts, their passwords and how much is in them. My husband and I also get so much per paycheck to cover things like personal clothes, lunch, taxis, etc. The money is kept in our individual accounts. |
Anonymous
|
He is controlling you.
The fact that you needed to have you needed to come to the marriage debt free - but he does not need to disclose his investments is not a marriage of equals. This is not "just typical" CPA behavior. |
Anonymous
| This is financial abuse. Please look it up. Hugs to you OP. |
Anonymous
|
Do you have a household budget? Is there a line for your clothing? Is there a line for transportation? Is there a line for contingencies? Have you already exceeded those lines for the month? If so, he has a right to be irritated.
Is there a line for travel? It may be financial abuse, it may also be that you don’t have an actual budget that you both agree to and are accountable to. If you don’t have an appropriate budget (with the aforementioned lines, funded with appropriate amounts), I would start there, and maybe also marriage counseling where you can talk through this issues with guidance, if you can’t handle it on your own. |
Anonymous
|
"He has never been fully transparent with me about his assets, particularly his other properties that are only in his name or his family trust or his investments."
Totally sketchy that he will not share this information with you. Relationships are built on trust, and he apparently has no trust in you. That, coupled with his infantilization of you, in his monitoring of your spending, is a giant red flag. You are supposed to be equal partners in marriage--and if you not equal partners with the money, you are not equal partners in the marriage. Moreover, money issues are a major cause of divorce. I would suggest fixing this pronto (through therapy or some other means) or will not end well. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I think you guys should do a budget together. Get an app like You Need a Budget and track your income and how you plan to spend it.
This idea that he has to sell investments to cover "your bills" when you are scrimping and saving doesn't ring true. Unless he thinks something like childcare costs are "your" bills? |
Anonymous
You need to reframe your thinking - Your husband is not wealthy - you are wealthy. You have a country club membership. He was NOT smart in that he did not have student loans - he came for a family of means and did not need to take out loans. He invested all the money he would have spent on rent OR tuition in stocks????? Did he not attend college? Where did this money come from that he invested? Your DH is abusing you. I am sorry that this had not been clearer to you earlier on in your relationship. He sounds like Donald Trump - dad gave him $1M and he thinks he is a self made millionaire. Do you have a prenup? |
Anonymous
|
I would cut back on the small expenses as they add up.
A daily $14 lunch and Uber ride to get home are excessive. You probably are not as wealthy as you think |
Anonymous
|
Not normal. That's absurd he has an issue with your spending given what your income must be and trust fund. I wouldn't have married him either. (by the way if you shop clearance you can often get new at the same price as used).
My husband will tease me if I buy from a few places as it runs through PayPal and he gets an email or will comment about my Amazon but he doesn't care at all. That is bizarre. My husband will say did you enjoy lunch at XXX but never in a mean way. |
Anonymous
Nothing wrong with a $14 lunch and uber ride if they can afford it. They live in a million dollar house and are not hurting for money. |