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[quote=Anonymous]On the way home from dinner tonight, my spouse mentioned several things that really freak me out. One, he knew how much I spent in the last day on Lyft rides. He was telling me about a DC cab app. I took Lyft yesterday as we live half a mile from the metro and I had to bring food in for our holiday party, along with my laptop, holiday gifts for my staff and packages to mail at the post office at lunch. Two, he mentioned that my last paycheck was $1200 short (we just got paid on Thursday).  Third, he knew that I went to lunch and spent $14.

Long story, my grandmother passed away and my timekeeper entered my leave incorrectly. I had surgery where I was out a week and although I showed him screen shots of my leave and earning statement and timecard reports for the past pay periods, he thinks I am not attentive to my paycheck. I am an extremely detail oriented person, but my timekeeper is not the brightest and often makes errors on employee leave reports. Last year, it took forever to resolve and I had to contact my Congressional office. It doesn't help that my husband is on my case if it isn't resolved instantly.

I rarely yell, but he kept berating me about a total of $20 in Lyft rides and a $14 lunch. We have one joint credit card with Chase and have some of the same apps for the food trucks, Sweetgreen, Panera.

I am the one who is responsible for all family gifts, kids' party gifts, kids' clothing, dry cleaning, decorating. I buy all of my kids' clothing on consignment. I buy my clothing at Goodwill. People would say I am good at finding bargains and thrifting. I consign clothes 2x a year making around $900-1500. I get furniture on curb alert or the neighborhood list servs and then repair it myself or take it to a professional to reupholster. I shop at Aldi in the suburbs and Costco for big purchase. I buy organic and try to make a lot of meatless meals to save money. I no longer buy coffee or tea.  I work full-time, yet cloth diaper my youngest child. I pack my lunch, meal plan, use the free gym and classes at work. We have one car. During the week, we exclusively walk, Metro and take the bus. My $250K student loans (grad and undergrad) are paid off...that was a requirement before we got married. Our major expense is child care. We spend $4K a month for day care and preschool. We don't have flexible jobs and can't telework to save commuting time. We love our children's child care providers and save to make expenses.

The reason I say all this is to say that I am a thrifty and cost conscious person. In order to pay my student loans off, I lived in terrible conditions and had three jobs. I worked as a GS-13, then taught at a university at night and on the weekends worked at a health clinic and taught fitness classes.

My husband is wealthy. He has a family trust. He owns multiple properties. He has a beach house and a country club membership. He is going skiing with his buddies in Europe because he found "a good deal". He is smart and didn't have student loans. His family bought him a car for college graduation. He invested all the money he would have spent on rent or tuition in stocks. He is savvy with finances and good with investing. He has never had to worry about money.

I am a GS-15 middle manager at a government agency. My husband works in consulting but has a background in accounting and finance. He has never been fully transparent with me about his assets, particularly his other properties that are only in his name or his family trust or his investments. He always complains that he has to sell investments to cover our bills.

My husband constantly makes comments about my spending. He can tell me off the top of his head every item I have spent in the last month. He complains about every little expense. However, we live in a $1.4M house (not my choice). We live in DC in a rather expensive neighborhood (not my choice). Many things that I find frivolous--like ski trips or trips abroad with his family--he thinks are a "good deal". Meanwhile, if I buy two pairs of work pants at J. Crew, I'm being careless with money.

Friends of mine have commented about this since before we were married. We once went on a trip with my best friend and I would have to ask my husband permission to purchase art. Meanwhile, when my husband goes on work trips, he will come back with expensive wine, Persian rugs, jewelry. These are all gifts for me and our family. My dad actually asked me if I wanted to marry my husband a few days before our wedding because my husband insisted that my parents pay for everything because that is traditional while we were both in our 30s, with good jobs and living together. We had already agreed to pay for the band, photographer, flowers. My parents paid for our reception, shuttles for guests, a brunch and other things. It seemed ridiculous to me.

Tonight I upset my older son because I raised my voice and cursed at my husband in the car. I was in tears. Is this financial control or just a typical accountant/CPA spouse? I love my husband, but he treats me like a small child. I also work in a financial capacity and have an econ degree and MBA. What would you do? I'm on the verge of couples counseling. Besides this, our marriage is very happy. My husband is otherwise very kind and considerate. What would you do if you were me?[/quote]

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