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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
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Anonymous
Absolutely not. |
Anonymous
My instinct is to say absolutely not. Your world has just been turned upside down and although you are doing your very best and it’s important to still take care of things day to day, hosting a party for your FIL? No… I mean if DH is hosting and he wants to take that on emotionally and labor wise that is a different matter, but for you to take that on, put on a smile and go on… I don’t know it doesn’t seem healthy to me. |
Anonymous
| Hosting the party would be a “sweeping under the rug” move. |
Anonymous
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Way to bury the lede, OP—he walked in on his first gf having sex with someone else? That’ll leave an impression…
For your dad’s party, I’d have him there doing all the prep and cleanup. That leaves you the most options down the road and you won’t have to explain why he isn’t there. But if you can’t stomach it, tell him that he’s not feeling well and will be staying away. |
Anonymous
The thing is, it might be more of a burden if he's not there, because everyone will be asking about him. |
Anonymous
I think the op said the party was for OP’s dad, not her FIL. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I was also thinking of having him do food set up, clean up, cleaning plates, tipping bartenders, etc.
Every single person there is going to excitedly ask me how our trip was 😫 |
Anonymous
But cancelling it entirely would set off alarms that it sounds like OP is not yet ready to explain. BTW, someone above said it was for her FIL but no, the OP says it's for her own dad, not FIL, just to be clear. For FIL? I'd bail and let DH do everything while I claimed illness, but for her own father, whether OP hosts or not depends on whether she feels she wants to put on a brave face. Or whether she feels seeing her family will give her strength even if they don't know what's going on. I liked another PP's idea of telling DH he gets to be sick -- but he'll also be prepping before anyone sees him and cleaning up after. NOT as punishment, make that clear! But because OP will discover the physical stress of having to be "on" during a happy event when she herself is roiled inside. It's doable if she wants to do it, but DH needs to support with actual, concrete help and with a clear after-the-fact story about his being too ill to appear in person. The down side of this idea is that OP's own family might show lots of concern about DH's "illness," want details, ask how he's doing etc., and I wonder if OP is up for dealing with all that "Poor DH, he must feel awful" talk from guests. Something to weigh, OP. |
Anonymous
Yes to all of this. I think migraine might be best. People want to visit him if his back is out and throwing up might make guests uneasy, even if it is just food poisoning. Everyone understands that people with a migraine don’t want to be bothered. On the other hand, it would be easy to explain that he stressed his back while riding on the cramped plane/handling the luggage/ sleeping in a different bed. Your choice, OP. What sounds easiest? |
Anonymous
100% |
Anonymous
| Just to clarify- it's for my dad |
Anonymous
If you go through with being there (with DH not there! Nope) -- Re: the bold, you know this is coming, so prepare in advance. Script out what you'll say when asked over and over and over about the trip. Pick one short, cute kid anecdote that does not involve DH. Pick one short "X place was so beautiful, we saw Y" anecdote that does not involve DH. Mix and match those throughout the party. Maybe two more, maximum. I'm serious; your thinking right now is so messed up, understandably, that if you try to wing it and improvise happy trip talk when face to face with eager, smiling guests, you might hit a wall and suddenly get emotional. Sit down tonight, come up with two to four very specific, very short anecdotes you can use, and keep them in your head. Jot down a list if that helps and re-read it before the party. Then circulate, a lot. I don't know if it's sit-down dinner but if it is, keep asking others about themselves during the meal, don't linger, and the rest of the time, circulate. Tell kid anecdote one, end with a diversion from the trip topic -- "Oh, isn't it great that niece Sally got into College X?" Then depart with host duties: "It's great to catch up. I need to check in with the bartender/wait staff/whatever but I'll see you later!" Having a plan will help, I promise. Anecdote; take no questions but gloss past them quickly; change topic to them or something about family; depart due to host duties. Repeat. Have a plan for the inevitable "Oh, poor DH, how is he?" sympathy you WILL hear, too. That also could trigger the tears if you let it. "He's sorry not to be here, but he's going to be fine. Just being super cautious! How about those Commanders?" You see the strategy? Acknowledge that he exists, make it about being Covid cautios or whatever, move immediately to another topic. |
Anonymous
| Why not put him to work and avoid being around him? If he can clean and manage logistics, great. No lying to friends, but you're not putting on a front by holding hands, etc. I would find that the easiest solution. |
Anonymous
His first girlfriend cheated on him and now he is cheating on you? If that doesn’t scream “I need therapy” or “future mid-life crisis”. I don’t know what does. FWIW, one of my kids suffered a sexual betrayal by an intimate partner in college. It was very traumatic and really messed with DC’s self-esteem and sexual identity and sexual development. I encouraged DC to get therapy because I know that, having been cheated on is a traumatic experience that can really mess with you. |
Anonymous
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He doesn’t have to have suffered a huge trauma to be where he is but rather arrested development. You’ve been together since you were so young and have not really experienced yourselves apart as individuals and he did not develop coping mechanisms. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but his affair reads like the fantasy of an alternate life, some carefree stupid partying one. At the same time your marriage was so “picture perfect” (your own blinders here make it esp hard now for you as well as him) and families so
Enmeshed there was perhaps no obvious way to express these issues, no conflict resolution skills built up between uou, added to his lack of emotional maturity.This does not mean he didn’t want kids or doesn’t love you but at some level he did not fully mature even as he took on all the trappings of adulthood. It’s also why you are so shellshocked now, not just all that’s come to light but it sounds like you’ve never really addressed deep conflict before. So it is a lot to suddenly put on a marriage. Plus…Drinking to deal with the affair and, well, it’s addictive once you start to abuse alcohol and encourages more hiding secrecy and shame. My only thought is that unfortunately you can’t rush to the end here despite the temptation to do so.’There is a long and painful process. It’s not your fault and yet it’s now in part your burden. Even if you kicked him and out filed tomorrow You would still have to go through it all. That sucks hard since you did not break the marriage but what follows requires time. I would emphasize you getting as much individual counseling now. As for the party I would put his ass to work. Finally I know there’s the deep need to look for everything to rapid fire a million questions to doubt everything. There is a point where you will need to stop though for your own good and mental health so you can start looking at the bigger picture and take the next steps whatever they are. |