In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.

It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.

DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.

The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?

Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.

Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........

It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?

The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.

It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.

I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was.

Mistakes happen and RARELY lead to being cut off.
What DOES lead to is is the last straw in a string of choices that undermine the person. Constant doing things the way "you' want and not respecting the choices/requests of those in your life.
Parents often minimize their adult child's wishes and do as they please. That adds up so yeah, ,eventually giving the baby a strawberry instead of the banana may lead to estrangement becuase yet again you didn't give an EFF what you were asked to do. It is exhausting being with people like this.

The person who is so controlling as to dictate what food will enter their child's lips is the one who needs therapy. Presumably the grandparents were at least able to successfully raise their children to adulthood, despite serving them strawberries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.

It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.

DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.

The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?

Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.

Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........

It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?

The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.

It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.

I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was.

Mistakes happen and RARELY lead to being cut off.
What DOES lead to is is the last straw in a string of choices that undermine the person. Constant doing things the way "you' want and not respecting the choices/requests of those in your life.
Parents often minimize their adult child's wishes and do as they please. That adds up so yeah, ,eventually giving the baby a strawberry instead of the banana may lead to estrangement becuase yet again you didn't give an EFF what you were asked to do. It is exhausting being with people like this.

The person who is so controlling as to dictate what food will enter their child's lips is the one who needs therapy. Presumably the grandparents were at least able to successfully raise their children to adulthood, despite serving them strawberries.

It is never just that time grandma gave them strawberries. Look inward PP.

[Anonymous]

If you think it's about strawberries then you're missing the entire point. It's about control parents can't seem to give it up to their adult children.

Some people just can't follow a simple request or respect decisions that other adults are making for themselves and for their families. If I had a nickel for how many times I heard while I was just trying to help or why does it matter I could be a millionaire. Some people are sick of the stress and guilt trips surrounding every interaction and choose just to no longer have those interactions.

[Anonymous]

Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night.

Unless the person in question has multiple estrangements with various people. If I was dating someone who said that they have cut off family, friends, distant relatives, etc. It would be a major red flag and would be my business in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night.

Unless the person in question has multiple estrangements with various people. If I was dating someone who said that they have cut off family, friends, distant relatives, etc. It would be a major red flag and would be my business in that case.

Right, just like if the person had multiple divorces. Although the person with multiple estrangements may have had an entire horrible family -- but this is the kind of thing that you can usually figure out by talking to a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.

It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.

that’s really sad—but I can’t help but wonder what happened to your daughter that made her want to escape through drugs. I’d be exploring that if I were you. Happy, healthy people don’t do drugs for the most part.

She is not healthy, addiction is a disease. Here is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night.

Unless the person in question has multiple estrangements with various people. If I was dating someone who said that they have cut off family, friends, distant relatives, etc. It would be a major red flag and would be my business in that case.

Right, just like if the person had multiple divorces. Although the person with multiple estrangements may have had an entire horrible family -- but this is the kind of thing that you can usually figure out by talking to a person.

Exactly, which is why sometimes this information matters to other people. Someone with a trend of cutting everyone off has bigger issues and is likely the cause of their own drama. So sometimes it is ok to judge. It's not some sacrosanct thing nobody is ever supposed to question or think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night.

Unless the person in question has multiple estrangements with various people. If I was dating someone who said that they have cut off family, friends, distant relatives, etc. It would be a major red flag and would be my business in that case.

Right, just like if the person had multiple divorces. Although the person with multiple estrangements may have had an entire horrible family -- but this is the kind of thing that you can usually figure out by talking to a person.

Exactly, which is why sometimes this information matters to other people. Someone with a trend of cutting everyone off has bigger issues and is likely the cause of their own drama. So sometimes it is ok to judge. It's not some sacrosanct thing nobody is ever supposed to question or think about.

OK, I agree with you on this. The things I think are ridiculous here are:

1) This alarmist idea that "omg, it's a trend for spoiled millennials to cut off their parents at the drop of a hat, what is happening with society???" I mean, I disagree with the premise.
2) The tendency of some people to peer into another's estrangement to decide whether or not they think it's justified. Who made you God? Maybe these people also peer into other people's divorces and judge them too, but I think both scenarios are pretty pointless and no one's business. And in some ways, an estrangement is even less fair to judge because divorced people chose each other, whereas no one gets to choose their family.

My bias is: I cut off my mother. No one really knows about this aside from my family members and a couple close friends. It's not something I'd go around telling people, because 1) none of their business and 2) I know I would be judged by some people, unfairly, I think. But you know what? I'd judge those people right back. I think if you're judging me, that shows you have very limited experience, a lack of imagination, little empathy, and so I don't wanna be your friend either!

It's possible my mother goes around telling people I cut her off for the equivalent of strawberries, or more likely she would say she had no idea why. Actually it's more likely that she doesn't tell anyone, out of embarrassment because it isn't consistent with the image she'd like to have. OR she tells some people, while at the same time badmouthing me, that I was always weird and difficult or whatever. I don't really know! And since I cut her off, it's now no concern of mine.

Basically, I don't have to justify my estrangement. Just like no one has to justify their divorce for anyone else-- which is an idea that I think is fairly widely accepted, whereas estrangement seems more foreign and exotic to people, since "family is forever!!" and "mothers are saints!!" and etc.

[Anonymous]

I do not speak to either parent, this happened years apart from one another. More than justified. Some people don't understand and I find those same people had idyllic childhoods compared to mine (from the way they tell it and from what I know) so you do the math.

Narcissistic parents crying to everyone around them and/or on message boards about their kids shutting them out… can't help them.

[Anonymous]

My kid decided Antifa are the good guys and no longer speaks with me. Time will fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad cut me off because his wife said he had to choose between her and me. I was in my 20s and though my parents had been divorced for 20+ years, she systematically cut off his past. First she removed every picture of me and my sibling from his house, then they moved in together and only pictures of her children (15 or so years older than me and my sibling) were permitted to be displayed. And my dad just went along with it. She systematically erased his past, starting with me.

She did this because...you were a b*tch? Why?

How do you know this? Were you there when your stepmother said this? If not, it is highly possible your father is telling you b.s. or you are telling us b.s.

I believe PP. My H had a gf that tried to do the same with his kids. She was very jealous (they’re still children, not adults) and did everything she could to cut them out of his life.

Ive also had men I dated pressure me to give up custody of my children so I could move with them for their job. Not quite the same, but it’s not uncommon for partners to try to cut off kids.

Oh, and my stepdad has always had underlying resentment for my siblings and me because he’s jealous of our dad. I don’t know if he ever pressure our mom to cut us off, but they’ve been married 20 years and he still gets drunk and calls my dad up. There are psychos out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid decided Antifa are the good guys and no longer speaks with me. Time will fix that.

I’m so sorry. I could totally see myself getting caught up with Antifa when I was high school/college age. I’m so glad it didn’t exist when I was young.

And yes, time will fix it. I can’t believe some of the insane beliefs I held back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry what's your point?. Are you upset that it's easier to cut off s***** family members than it used to be?

No, I think it's more common. The Atlantic article said it's more common. Other people disagree. I'm trying to figure out why they think it's not more common now than it used to be. And, for the record, I haven't cut anyone out nor do I know anyone who has. I'm not a grandmother either, my kids are quite young.

I'm with the people who say it actually isn't more common, it's just written about more. In both my family and my husband's there are generations of cut offs. We both have some seriously personality disordered relatives and that usually goes along with cut off and drama. The announcement of cut off only came if they lived in the same area. The fade off was much easier when people just moved far away back when it what more expensive to travel and make long distance calls.

I think these people giving crazy reasons their "friends" cut someone off are not understanding a last straw is usually minor and the major offenses are the real reason.

Also, things are every changing. Had a friend horrified we don't see my alcoholic and abusive MIL and my FIL who took off and raised his stepchildren while allowing his own children to struggle... because every child should know the love of grandma and grandpa. Now she is having major inlaw problems and she sees her inlaws look down on her kids disabilities and mental health issues and suddenly she understands more. Those same inlaws were fine dealing with babies, but cannot accept grandchildren who need things like therapy, ADHD meds or other special services. One "loving" grandparent tries spanking her child to show her how to get him to behave the old school way. She set boundaries and they weren't respected. Now she sees just a tiny tiny slice of the things that can erode these relationships. None of this compares to my inlaws and yet suddenly she isn't so judgmental.

[Anonymous]

I actually do know a grandparent who was cut off for “feeding the baby strawberries” (it wasn’t strawberries). I know both the parents and the grandparents in this situation so it wasn’t a one sided narrative.

Baby was diagnosed severely, anaphylaxis-allergic to “strawberries”. Grandparent didn’t “believe in” allergies, said they were all about this generation being too controlling with what the kids eat and her grandson wasn’t growing up never having a “strawberries” sandwich.

Even though her grandson was hospitalized after that event, even though he could have died if EMS hadn’t responded within minutes, even though she had been told upward of a hundred times (and agreed!) not to feed him “strawberries” she still tells everyone her evil, controlling DIL cut her off “just” for feeding her grandson “strawberries”.