Reply to In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement. [/quote]

It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable.  Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD.   It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy.  She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors.  As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.  [/quote]

DP.  It is black and white.  Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't.  Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her.  If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship.  No one is 'owed' a relationship.[/quote]

The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?[/quote]

Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children. [/quote]

Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
[/quote]

It's not really a 'new phenomenon'.  It's only become more apparent.  It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you.  Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country.  Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?[/quote]

The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect. [/quote]

It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.

I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was. [/quote]

Mistakes happen and RARELY lead to being cut off. 
What DOES lead to is is the last straw in a string of choices that undermine the person. Constant doing things the way "you' want and not respecting the choices/requests of those in your life. 
Parents often minimize their adult child's wishes and do as they please. That adds up so yeah, ,eventually giving the baby a strawberry instead of the banana may lead to estrangement becuase yet again you didn't give an EFF what you were asked to do. It is exhausting being with people like this. [/quote]

The person who is so controlling as to dictate what food will enter their child's lips is the one who needs therapy.  Presumably the grandparents were at least able to successfully raise their children to adulthood, despite serving them strawberries.[/quote]

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