Reply to In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Estrangements are nobody's business but the parties involved, whether it's about strawberries or more. I think the divorce analogy is helpful.

You can think divorce is wrong, you can think that someone else's divorce was unwarranted, but hopefully you keep that to yourself.

You can think estrangements are wrong, or that someone else's estrangement is unjustified, and you should keep that to yourself too, because you have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Examining the dynamics between generations is all beside the point. You. Just. Don't. Know. what happens in other people's relationships! It's not your business. It's not your place to judge. I hope other people's estrangements are not keeping you up at night. [/quote]

Unless the person in question has multiple estrangements with various people. If I was dating someone who said that they have cut off family, friends, distant relatives, etc. It would be a major red flag and would be my business in that case. [/quote]

Right, just like if the person had multiple divorces. Although the person with multiple estrangements may have had an entire horrible family -- but this is the kind of thing that you can usually figure out by talking to a person. [/quote]

Exactly, which is why sometimes this information matters to other people. Someone with a trend of cutting everyone off has bigger issues and is likely the cause of their own drama. So sometimes it is ok to judge. It's not some sacrosanct thing nobody is ever supposed to question or think about.[/quote]

OK, I agree with you on this. The things I think are ridiculous here are:

1) This alarmist idea that "omg, it's a trend for spoiled millennials to cut off their parents at the drop of a hat, what is happening with society???" I mean, I disagree with the premise.
2) The tendency of some people to peer into another's estrangement to decide whether or not they think it's justified. Who made you God? Maybe these people also peer into other people's divorces and judge them too, but I think both scenarios are pretty pointless and no one's business. And in some ways, an estrangement is even less fair to judge because divorced people chose each other, whereas no one gets to choose their family.

My bias is: I cut off my mother. No one really knows about this aside from my family members and a couple close friends. It's not something I'd go around telling people, because 1) none of their business and 2) I know I would be judged by some people, unfairly, I think. But you know what? I'd judge those people right back. I think if you're judging me, that shows you have very limited experience, a lack of imagination, little empathy, and so I don't wanna be your friend either!

It's possible my mother goes around telling people I cut her off for the equivalent of strawberries, or more likely she would say she had no idea why. Actually it's more likely that she doesn't tell anyone, out of embarrassment because it isn't consistent with the image she'd like to have. OR she tells some people, while at the same time badmouthing me, that I was always weird and difficult or whatever. I don't really know! And since I cut her off, it's now no concern of mine.

Basically, I don't have to justify my estrangement. Just like no one has to justify their divorce for anyone else-- which is an idea that I think is fairly widely accepted, whereas estrangement seems more foreign and exotic to people, since "family is forever!!" and "mothers are saints!!" and etc.

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