Reply to When Does It Start Getting Easier

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "When Does It Start Getting Easier"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.  
This isn’t medical school or law school.  It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line.  It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line.  It’s just life.  
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife.  Yes.  You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard.  Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be.  But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back.  There is.  And you have crossed it.  You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids.  You did all of the things to get your life set up.  If this isn’t the finish line, then what is?  When kids start elementary school?  When they move out?  Retirement?  You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here.  You have all of the things.  It isn’t going to “get better.”  
[/quote]

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal. [/quote]

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on. [/quote]

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before.  Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days.  But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right.  But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize.  This is it.  I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are.  Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.[/quote]

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true. [/quote]

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently.  I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids?  Dealing with mental illness in your own child?  Navigating your child being bullied in school?  Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise.  But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax.  Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense.  I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."  [/quote]

I just disagree with you. The average 7 year old is easier than the average 2 y ear old. And op is in the thick of those grueling early years. I love my kids. And I agree overall that you shouldn’t wait around for your kids to get easier or to change your life to suit the lifestyle of a parent versus thinking you will return to pre kid life. I also think those first three years are hard in a unique way that is very difficult and you guys are really diminishing that. And yes, big kid big problems I get that but at least you aren’t sleep deprived and dealing with post partum hormones[/quote]

Yeah, it's really hard when you're so mired in how difficult your life is that you can't fathom anything else and won't (can't?) comprehend what other people are telling you.  I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sorry you're struggling.  You might want to consider a depression screening, though.  That level of self-absorption in the context of exhaustion can be a hallmark of it.[/quote]

What? Lol. I am not depressed or struggling. I'm not OP. I do have kids on both sides of the divide right now though and feel like you guys are being very dismissive.

I think there are two like, swimlanes (apologies for the corporate speak) of parenting here and people are confusing them. One is the worry you feel about parenting your children and your investment in their emotional health. The emotional and mental side of parenting. This is actually I think easier in the early years because yes, little kids little problems. I don't worry about whether my 1 year old is happy or feeling loved, but I can already see that with my 6 year old that my fears and worries for them have become 'bigger'. I know that this mental load so to speak will only grow and get more complex and difficult.

The other swimlane is the physical parenting. Having to constantly be paying attention so no one dies. Listening for every rogue bump, waking up for every nightmare and accident and feeding. This is mentally and physically taxing in an entirely different way and defines for many people the early years. The not being able to have a moment to myself to think. The having only an hour at the end of the day to decompress after all the chores and cleaning and kid stuff is done. The being constantly tired and dragging yourself up to do it again. And I think this is the stuff you DO grit your teeth to get through. You grit your teeth to survive until they sleep through the night. You grit your teeth cleaning up bodily fluids until they can manage that. You grit your teeth and pay attention until you think you can't pay attention for another second to make sure they don't fall down the stairs or under the water in the tub. You grit your teeth through not having enough time. This is the part that literally wears on you as a person and makes it more difficult to cope with the problems going on around you.

Acknowledging that that part is hard and does require some pushing through doesn't take away from the complexities and toughness of that mental load in the first swimlane. They are different, one is lifelong and one is temporary. And I think for the first it is important to just accept that this is your life now and you did make it and that is amazing and awesome and I have actually thought to myself almost exactly what PP said above before. I made it, I got a job and a good husband and got babies out into this world alive and healthy and I made it and I am mostly extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard to sit down and immediately have some kid yell for me to come wipe their butt. [/quote]

I think you're mischaracterizing and, thus, minimizing, the first swimlane you describe.  It's not solely worrying about your children, it's *managing* the big problems that arise with older kids: mental illness, substance use, safety around things like cars and letting them go off on their own, managing relationships with peers, at school, etc.  It's not about you getting spun up in your head, it's about *actually dealing* with the emotional and relational and safety problems that arise, which many parents really, really struggle with.  It's IEP meetings, bullies, fights with friends, setting and maintaining limits around access to cell phones and cars, preventing substance use, suicidal ideation, your daughter's early puberty, etc.  I've gotten better about not worrying about what might happen, but these are all things that can and do happen, and need action to address.  I get that parents of very little kids don't see that yet, but it doesn't make these things fictitious.

Look, I have three (9, 7, 5).  I remember well how physically demanding they were when they were younger.  My youngest was a nightmare to potty train and I still shudder when I think about it.  But I do think there's a tendency among some parents to not do things that will make that time easier (e.g., sleep training) and also for some parents to think that whatever time they're currently in is the hardest and dismiss everything else.  Also, some parents just find things generally hard and always will, and some parents just go with it, accept the scut work for what it is, and move on.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics