If you are a parent, how do you see people who aren’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, it's fine for them. But, if they really want kids, why not adopt?

You don't know a thing about adoption, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had children after infertility. I don't feel bad for people without kids because it could have easily been us.

This make zero sense. If you got cancer and survived, you wouldn't feel badly for a friend who got cancer after you and died?
You were infertile and had children. Some people are infertile and never can. Have some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children after infertility. I don't feel bad for people without kids because it could have easily been us.

This make zero sense. If you got cancer and survived, you wouldn't feel badly for a friend who got cancer after you and died?
You were infertile and had children. Some people are infertile and never can. Have some empathy.

I interpreted the first PP as saying she doesn't pity them because of a "there by the grace of God go I" sort of attitude. I hope that's how PP meant it...

[Anonymous]

I would feel bad if it was known that they wanted children, but could not have any, but I wouldn't consider it their defining trait. It think I would consider it much like someone who has experienced a loss, it's part of them but it's not all they are. I am sorry for this turn life has taken for you, but I hope you don't left it define you or how you think you are defined by others. I hope that people who are unable to build a family, for whatever reason, can make peace with the way their lives turned out to be and are able to find other things to focus time, energy and resources into that would fulfill them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think, it's fine for them. But, if they really want kids, why not adopt?

You don't know a thing about adoption, do you?

I used to have this mindset. As an adoptee, I always thought I would adopt my children, but it was such a long expensive process I couldn't justify going that route financially when I was healthy and had good insurance.

[Anonymous]

I just assume they live much more exciting lives than I do — travel, nicely decorated home (no child proofing stuff/kids toy storage), more time to cook, exercise, etc. But I still think of them the same as any other person with or without kids.

The only time I felt like I had trouble relating to my friends without kids was very early on when I had a newborn. I was one of the first in my friend group to have a baby, so a lot of my friends (who were late 20s/very early 30s at the time) were still going out to bars, bottomless brunches, spontaneous get togethers, etc. So I felt like I just couldn’t really join in for a lot of that because I needed time for a sitter (or to make sure DH didn’t have a conflict and could be on kid duty), or I was just too damn tired to go out beginning at 9 pm, or there was no way I had the energy to day drink (not to mention I needed to nurse/pump). At that point in time, I felt like I was living a very different life than a lot of my friends.

But now that we’re all mid/late 30s, everyone seems to finally be as exhausted as me! Even my childfree friends seem to want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, not drink a ton of alcohol, etc. So that helps when everyone just wants to do an early dinner or brunch that doesn’t involve boozing. And with busy schedules (work, travel, etc.) things tend to be more-preplanned far in advance.

[Anonymous]

I don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wanted kids, tried all the things, nothing worked. That ship has sailed. It’ll always hurt. But we have good lives, and know it. Parenthood is such a life-defining and -changing experience. How do you see people who don’t have kids? Do you feel bad for them? Don’t really think about it? What advice would you give your childless self? Thank you.

I see people who don't have kids as people who have lives that are different from mine but not in a better or worse way, just different. I have several close friends who don't have kids, and I've never run out of things to talk to them about. Yes, sometimes we clash, like when one of my friends who travels a lot suggested that people should effectively do a test run with their kids on an airplane before taking an international flight to see if their kids are good flyers and I said that wouldn't work for about a million different reasons and she kind of refused to hear what I was saying, but those times are rare.

I don't feel bad for people without kids. If anything, I may be somewhat envious of them sometimes. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them in, but of course it changes your life, and, as a result, I am not able to do some of the things I would be if I didn't have them. Maybe that's because my husband and I decided that we would try and see what happened but we were not hell-bent on having kids. We discussed what our life would look like if we didn't have them and concluded that we would be happy either way, although things would be completely different under either scenario. And maybe that's because we have so many friends without kids - it's not like we view them as these sad, lonely people. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I guess I'd say I don't really think about it except that if I meet someone for the first time and they say they don't have kids I would do a calculation in my head of the kinds of ways we could spend time together. But I feel the same way when I meet people whose kids are either a lot older or a lot younger than mine. I have 8-year-old twins, so I'm not interested in hanging out with a friend and her baby or toddler. Same with a friend who has a high-schooler. So to me, they're honestly the same as people who don't have kids, because I don't see our kid lives intersecting.

Like I said above, my childless self wasn't sure I wanted or needed kids, so I was in a different place than you are. And I have no idea how I would have felt if I couldn't have gotten pregnant. Our twins were spontaneous, and I got pregnant two weeks after going off the pill, so while my husband and I had said we'd try and if it didn't work we'd just give up, I don't know if that's actually how we would have felt. Perhaps we would have tried anything we could. Perhaps we really would have shrugged it off after a year or so. I truly don't know. So to my childless self I guess I'd say the same thing I say to myself with kids, which is not to lose yourself, no matter what situation you're in. Don't lose yourself in your job so that all you are is an employee. Don't lose yourself in your marriage so that all you are is a spouse. Don't lose yourself in friendships so that all you are is a friend. And don't lose yourself in your children so that all you are is a parent. I am still an employee, wife, friend, and mother. I'm also a horseback rider, a rower, a reader, a traveler, a daughter, a sailor, a CrossFitter, a baker, a cook, and a whole bunch of other things. Being a mom doesn't define me and it isn't what makes me me. So I look at other people the same way - being a parent is only one part of them, and if that part isn't there, they're still whole and amazing and someone I want to get to know. Hopefully that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who feel badly for non-parents probably only see a deficiency. They probably have pretty narrow, sheltered lives.

I think people who feel bad for non-parents are simply jealous. That's where most nastiness in the world comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely different that you wanted them but it didn't work out.

I give like 10% thought to people who didn't have children but could have, but didn't want them. I think they have denied themselves having a full life, the full human experience.

However, again, different from you. You have recognized that there does exist a loss. I am sorry for your loss, btw. I think your loss will be apparent to others, on some level, spoken or not.

That's gross.

- A parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge people on being jerks or non-jerks not if they have children or not. Or if they are married or not. I think less of jerks.

And so far the jerks on here have all had kids, so that's awesome!

OP, ignore those people who say you're missing your purpose in life. They clearly don't exist other than being parents, which makes me feel very sad for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think they’re missing what is THE point of human existence, evolutionarily speaking, which is to reproduce. There were a lot of things about humankind , society, and the world in general that I didn’t fully grasp on an emotional level until I had my own kids. That being said, I didn’t know what I was missing in terms of that richness (both good and bad) before I had kids so I doubt that child free individuals feel that they’re missing anything from their lives. Which is good because feeling that way is no way to live.

I do think it’s ridiculous when child free people roll their eyes at anything related to children, call children “crotch goblins” and whatnot. Like, having kids is literally what nature wants us to do, and those kids are going to grow up to be your doctors and your world leaders. Making a stink because a child happens to exist at an outdoor brewery or an open house makes you sound immature, like you can’t fathom why anyone would have kids. Despite it being the sole driver for our species existence and therefore a very natural and normal phenomenon, without which you arguably can’t even experience the full point of life and humanity.

I also think it’s ridiculous when people with kids say they can’t understand why others wouldn’t have them. Hello- money, travel, career? There are plenty of reasons why people don’t want kids. And for people who want children but it never happened, I do feel very sad for them and hope that they find other ways to fulfill that desire.

Oh wow, as a parent I don't feel this at all. I never felt like I needed to reproduce

Um +1. PP has some bizarre tunnel vision.

+2

Cockroaches also have an innate need to reproduce. So in my mind, people who talk like PP are basically no better than cockroaches. And I have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was single and childless, I had a colleague “confess” to me that she felt sorry for people without kids because she felt their lives would never have real meaning. I was shocked. I think she assumed it was okay to tell this to me because she assumed I would eventually have kids. But it’s one of the rudest things I’ve heard someone say. To write off entire lives that way as having no meaning?

Now I think back on her and I feel sorry for her. Because I’ve lived long enough to see the many ways life can have meaning and how limited her view was. And also how many parents don’t even get real meaning from parenthood because they are blind to it.

I don’t judge people on whether or not they have kids. It’s a bad metric. Anyone can live a meaningful life, it depends on approach. I respect people who are thoughtful, curious, kind, interesting, resilient. I don’t care if they have kids.

And clearly some parents on here think their lives have meaning simply because they had kids, which makes me want to vomit. I mean, for crying out loud, Mother Teresa never had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this stage in my life with young kids I feel that they are different and we can’t really be friends. It’s hard to be friends of onlies TBH because having 3 is such a different ball game. Our lives at the moment are centered around our kids 100%. I think and hope that once our kids are older we can have parts of our lives back and then I don’t see why we could not be friends with childless people.

It’s not so much that I don’t like or don’t want to be friends with people like you, is that right now, we have zero in common. I hope that will change in the future.

As per what I think about them, I feel bad if they wanted to be parents, but couldn’t. Otherwise, kudos to them for choosing an adventurous and fun life!

You won't be friends with anyone because you have jettisoned everyone who is different than you (seriously, you can't imagine being friends with parents of an only child ). So good luck finding all those friends once you decide you're ready for them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this stage in my life with young kids I feel that they are different and we can’t really be friends. It’s hard to be friends of onlies TBH because having 3 is such a different ball game. Our lives at the moment are centered around our kids 100%. I think and hope that once our kids are older we can have parts of our lives back and then I don’t see why we could not be friends with childless people.

It’s not so much that I don’t like or don’t want to be friends with people like you, is that right now, we have zero in common. I hope that will change in the future.

As per what I think about them, I feel bad if they wanted to be parents, but couldn’t. Otherwise, kudos to them for choosing an adventurous and fun life!

You won't be friends with anyone because you have jettisoned everyone who is different than you (seriously, you can't imagine being friends with parents of an only child ). So good luck finding all those friends once you decide you're ready for them again.

+1. I have two small kids and have several childless friends. They are probably better friends to me than my friends with kids. I LIKE having friends where the conversations don't inevitably end up being about kids.