If you are a parent, how do you see people who aren’t?

[Anonymous]

I think, it's fine for them. But, if they really want kids, why not adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, it's fine for them. But, if they really want kids, why not adopt?

Because adoption isn't some magical wish granting factory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oops, cut off my sentence... *I never felt like I needed to reproduce on the basis of evolutionary human existence or a deep need to experience life to it's fullest. There are many things you've chosen not to do in life that others would think is THE "full point of life and humanity" (for example, proselytizing, suicide bombing in the name of the creator, sky diving, giving up worldly goods to serve mankind, etc).

I’m the poster you’re responding to and I do see what you mean. I guess I meant from an evolutionary standpoint, it’s clearly hardwired into us to want to have kids and then love those kids deeply even though they are, at face value, annoying and too much work. If we weren’t hard wired biologically to want to reproduce and have a baby, our species would die out. So it makes sense that people have strong feelings about how kids are the point of their lives (and how I often feel). I think the other things you mention are more taught to us , rather than Ingrained in our biology.

[Anonymous]

Back when I was single and childless, I had a colleague “confess” to me that she felt sorry for people without kids because she felt their lives would never have real meaning. I was shocked. I think she assumed it was okay to tell this to me because she assumed I would eventually have kids. But it’s one of the rudest things I’ve heard someone say. To write off entire lives that way as having no meaning?

Now I think back on her and I feel sorry for her. Because I’ve lived long enough to see the many ways life can have meaning and how limited her view was. And also how many parents don’t even get real meaning from parenthood because they are blind to it.

I don’t judge people on whether or not they have kids. It’s a bad metric. Anyone can live a meaningful life, it depends on approach. I respect people who are thoughtful, curious, kind, interesting, resilient. I don’t care if they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think about them in a negative way, in some ways I'm jealous of their freedoms. But I do hate when people who don't have kids complain about being tired or not having enough time. Or having to work late and miss their yoga class. It's ok to feel that way but don't complain about it to a mom with young kids.

I often wonder how many of my childless friends would handle being parents, especially seeing some of the people I do know with kids who can barely keep it together. I think its just really hard to be able to understand the magnitude of how much parenting changes your life and then they try to compare your experience as a parent with their experience as an aunt or godmother or whatever. I get that they are just trying to participate in the conversation and I appreciate that but it's like talking to your friend with cancer about how you felt when you had a cold.

I don't mind if my friends and coworkers complain about how busy they are. Their live are just as valid as mine. A lot of my friends are doing things with their lives I am in awe of. Nurse in a dedicated covid ICU, friends who own their own businesses who had to reconfigure their lives during the pandemic, etc. Life is hard all over and they deserve to vent too.

[Anonymous]

At this stage in my life with young kids I feel that they are different and we can’t really be friends. It’s hard to be friends of onlies TBH because having 3 is such a different ball game. Our lives at the moment are centered around our kids 100%. I think and hope that once our kids are older we can have parts of our lives back and then I don’t see why we could not be friends with childless people.

It’s not so much that I don’t like or don’t want to be friends with people like you, is that right now, we have zero in common. I hope that will change in the future.

As per what I think about them, I feel bad if they wanted to be parents, but couldn’t. Otherwise, kudos to them for choosing an adventurous and fun life!

[Anonymous]

If I like someone with no children, I feel sad in general - I want people I like to have kids, because that has the best chance to carry forward those likable qualities in my friends to the next generation.

If I know that they'd tried, and couldn't, I feel very specifically sorry for them.

I don't think a lack of kids, for whatever reason, affects my relationship. It's easier to socialize with people who have kids of compatible ages, I guess, but this isn't a major problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think, it's fine for them. But, if they really want kids, why not adopt?

Because adoption isn't some magical wish granting factory.

Right? We waited 4 years and nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely different that you wanted them but it didn't work out.

I give like 10% thought to people who didn't have children but could have, but didn't want them. I think they have denied themselves having a full life, the full human experience.

However, again, different from you. You have recognized that there does exist a loss. I am sorry for your loss, btw. I think your loss will be apparent to others, on some level, spoken or not.

Similar to this, I find them a little self-centered in a way that anyone is when they don't have 100% responsibility for a young child. I don't hold that against them (I used to be that way). I am not saying that OP is self-centered since I don't even know her/him, that's just my experience with people I know.

Yes, my first responder causing, or my doctor sibling who provides life-saving services for free are totally self-centered because they don't have children.

You are both idiots!

The people I know who were self-centered before they had kids remain self-centered after having kids. It's just that they count their kids as being part of themselves. So if they expected everything to revolve around their schedule and preferences before, now everything is supposed to revolve around their kids and their schedules, etc. Their personality didn't really change at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this stage in my life with young kids I feel that they are different and we can’t really be friends. It’s hard to be friends of onlies TBH because having 3 is such a different ball game. Our lives at the moment are centered around our kids 100%. I think and hope that once our kids are older we can have parts of our lives back and then I don’t see why we could not be friends with childless people.

It’s not so much that I don’t like or don’t want to be friends with people like you, is that right now, we have zero in common. I hope that will change in the future.

As per what I think about them, I feel bad if they wanted to be parents, but couldn’t. Otherwise, kudos to them for choosing an adventurous and fun life!

That's really sad. I mean, you wouldn't be friends with me because I only have one kid, but I have lots in common with my friends with no kids. We are interested in reading and travel, we have similar senses of humor, we have shared memories, etc. And they usually have more flexible schedules, so they are much easier to schedule time to hang out, and, frankly, it's nice to have people to talk to whose lives revolve around something other than kids. We can have real grown-up conversations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was single and childless, I had a colleague “confess” to me that she felt sorry for people without kids because she felt their lives would never have real meaning. I was shocked. I think she assumed it was okay to tell this to me because she assumed I would eventually have kids. But it’s one of the rudest things I’ve heard someone say. To write off entire lives that way as having no meaning?

Now I think back on her and I feel sorry for her. Because I’ve lived long enough to see the many ways life can have meaning and how limited her view was. And also how many parents don’t even get real meaning from parenthood because they are blind to it.

I don’t judge people on whether or not they have kids. It’s a bad metric. Anyone can live a meaningful life, it depends on approach. I respect people who are thoughtful, curious, kind, interesting, resilient. I don’t care if they have kids.

+1

We have plenty of friends without kids, and I don't think their lives are meaningless. Some of them are really interesting people who do good work in their extended families, communities, or around the world. They are scientists researching treatments for disease, or activists working for a better world. They are loving aunts and uncles, and caregivers to elderly or disabled family members. They are kind, hospitable people who make others feel welcome; they are active, caring volunteers. How arrogant it would be to think their lives don't have real meaning, just because they didn't reproduce.

[Anonymous]

Advice: you do you.

I don't see them any kind of way. Its not my business why someone did or did not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely different that you wanted them but it didn't work out.

I give like 10% thought to people who didn't have children but could have, but didn't want them. I think they have denied themselves having a full life, the full human experience.

However, again, different from you. You have recognized that there does exist a loss. I am sorry for your loss, btw. I think your loss will be apparent to others, on some level, spoken or not.

Similar to this, I find them a little self-centered in a way that anyone is when they don't have 100% responsibility for a young child. I don't hold that against them (I used to be that way). I am not saying that OP is self-centered since I don't even know her/him, that's just my experience with people I know.

Yes, my first responder causing, or my doctor sibling who provides life-saving services for free are totally self-centered because they don't have children.

You are both idiots!

The people I know who were self-centered before they had kids remain self-centered after having kids. It's just that they count their kids as being part of themselves. So if they expected everything to revolve around their schedule and preferences before, now everything is supposed to revolve around their kids and their schedules, etc. Their personality didn't really change at all.

Omg! This is so trueI was just talking about this with my DH. . Self centered ahold are just that both pre and post kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice: you do you.

I don't see them any kind of way. Its not my business why someone did or did not have kids.

Life would be so much better if we could all just live our lives and be less judgmental and worry less about the judgment of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was single and childless, I had a colleague “confess” to me that she felt sorry for people without kids because she felt their lives would never have real meaning. I was shocked. I think she assumed it was okay to tell this to me because she assumed I would eventually have kids. But it’s one of the rudest things I’ve heard someone say. To write off entire lives that way as having no meaning?

Now I think back on her and I feel sorry for her. Because I’ve lived long enough to see the many ways life can have meaning and how limited her view was. And also how many parents don’t even get real meaning from parenthood because they are blind to it.

I don’t judge people on whether or not they have kids. It’s a bad metric. Anyone can live a meaningful life, it depends on approach. I respect people who are thoughtful, curious, kind, interesting, resilient. I don’t care if they have kids.

+1

We have plenty of friends without kids, and I don't think their lives are meaningless. Some of them are really interesting people who do good work in their extended families, communities, or around the world. They are scientists researching treatments for disease, or activists working for a better world. They are loving aunts and uncles, and caregivers to elderly or disabled family members. They are kind, hospitable people who make others feel welcome; they are active, caring volunteers. How arrogant it would be to think their lives don't have real meaning, just because they didn't reproduce.

I agree with the both of you and glad to see little by little society is changing.