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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We wanted kids, tried all the things, nothing worked. That ship has sailed. It’ll always hurt. But we have good lives, and know it. Parenthood is such a life-defining and -changing experience. How do you see people who don’t have kids? Do you feel bad for them? Don’t really think about it? What advice would you give your childless self? Thank you. [/quote]

I see people who don't have kids as people who have lives that are different from mine but not in a better or worse way, just different. I have several close friends who don't have kids, and I've never run out of things to talk to them about. Yes, sometimes we clash, like when one of my friends who travels a lot suggested that people should effectively do a test run with their kids on an airplane before taking an international flight to see if their kids are good flyers and I said that wouldn't work for about a million different reasons and she kind of refused to hear what I was saying, but those times are rare.

I don't feel bad for people without kids. If anything, I may be somewhat envious of them sometimes. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them in, but of course it changes your life, and, as a result, I am not able to do some of the things I would be if I didn't have them. Maybe that's because my husband and I decided that we would try and see what happened but we were not hell-bent on having kids. We discussed what our life would look like if we didn't have them and concluded that we would be happy either way, although things would be completely different under either scenario. And maybe that's because we have so many friends without kids - it's not like we view them as these sad, lonely people. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I guess I'd say I don't really think about it except that if I meet someone for the first time and they say they don't have kids I would do a calculation in my head of the kinds of ways we could spend time together. But I feel the same way when I meet people whose kids are either a lot older or a lot younger than mine. I have 8-year-old twins, so I'm not interested in hanging out with a friend and her baby or toddler. Same with a friend who has a high-schooler. So to me, they're honestly the same as people who don't have kids, because I don't see our kid lives intersecting.

Like I said above, my childless self wasn't sure I wanted or needed kids, so I was in a different place than you are. And I have no idea how I would have felt if I couldn't have gotten pregnant. Our twins were spontaneous, and I got pregnant two weeks after going off the pill, so while my husband and I had said we'd try and if it didn't work we'd just give up, I don't know if that's actually how we would have felt. Perhaps we would have tried anything we could. Perhaps we really would have shrugged it off after a year or so. I truly don't know. So to my childless self I guess I'd say the same thing I say to myself with kids, which is not to lose yourself, no matter what situation you're in. Don't lose yourself in your job so that all you are is an employee. Don't lose yourself in your marriage so that all you are is a spouse. Don't lose yourself in friendships so that all you are is a friend. And don't lose yourself in your children so that all you are is a parent. I am still an employee, wife, friend, and mother. I'm also a horseback rider, a rower, a reader, a traveler, a daughter, a sailor, a CrossFitter, a baker, a cook, and a whole bunch of other things. Being a mom doesn't define me and it isn't what makes me me. So I look at other people the same way - being a parent is only one part of them, and if that part isn't there, they're still whole and amazing and someone I want to get to know. Hopefully that helps. [/quote]

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