Shared family beach house - how to handle politely?

[Anonymous]

OP, you think this is complicated now? Just wait until your MIL dies and there are even more "owners" of the house.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

You and your DH will be much happier if you just view this as a house and leave behind some of the emotional attachment. You can make memories anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Op, You’ve already done the polite thing and it failed. The mother-in-law for some reason does not want to press the nephew on this. Maybe since he’s local he takes care of the house more than she does and so she wants to not be pushy? I don’t know. But she told you her answer. She doesn’t want to push the nephew on this. Either you wait, or you rent a different house.

[Anonymous]

It is not your house, owners are clearly not that willing to go out of their way to arrange it for you. Your post about your being busy coordinating camps and the summer is your own thing. It has nothing to do with how much or how little effort it will take for MIL's nephew to accommodate you. You are starting to grate on how demanding you are just in your post. Of something you have no right to.
Rent an airbnb. You control the times, the place, everything.
Why would you keep being such an intrusive, entitled person?
Who demands they be given the time at someone else's house?
How odd and impolite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to accept that the bday thing might not work out. Can you find an alternate place to stay with the friends? It’s not your house, and unfortunately it sounds like MIL isn’t invested in making it happen.

+1

Your MIL could push more, and be more, if she wanted to. If she is anything like my MIL, when she wants something, that is the way it is - but when someone other than her or her daughter wants something, then it doesn't matter, because my MIL has no empathy/sympathy gene - and honestly, she tends to be selfish and s not a very nice or considerate person.

Since MIL actually owns the house, you have no say, so you should make your own plans, OP. You will be much happier that you did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not your house, owners are clearly not that willing to go out of their way to arrange it for you. Your post about your being busy coordinating camps and the summer is your own thing. It has nothing to do with how much or how little effort it will take for MIL's nephew to accommodate you. You are starting to grate on how demanding you are just in your post. Of something you have no right to.
Rent an airbnb. You control the times, the place, everything.
Why would you keep being such an intrusive, entitled person?
Who demands they be given the time at someone else's house?
How odd and impolite.

You really don't get it, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, You’ve already done the polite thing and it failed. The mother-in-law for some reason does not want to press the nephew on this. Maybe since he’s local he takes care of the house more than she does and so she wants to not be pushy? I don’t know. But she told you her answer. She doesn’t want to push the nephew on this. Either you wait, or you rent a different house.

+1. There are dynamics going on that you are not privy to. There is really no "advice" to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

You seem to be trying to convince us you are entitled to find a way to get your way. If she has not said yes, use it that day, there is no magic wand that can be waved because despite everything you wrote..you.do.not.own.the.house. You are also mind reading. How do you know his mom would be MORTIFIED if you rented a place? It certainly sounds like she does not want to accommodate you. If you rent and she is MORTIFIED, just politely say you waited to see if you could use that house and when you did not get a confirmation, you moved on. I don't see much nastiness. What I see is people telling you that you sound ridiculous. This is a foreshadowing of far more stress that will come when MIL passes and all the kids inherit the place, so it's good practice. You seem very set on getting your way and people are telling you to let.it.go and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm the OP and just came back this morning to see all these messages calling me an entitled brat, spoiled, and telling us to rent our own house. Sometimes this board can be just...callous. I guess I should know that.
For my own peace of mind because it's not fun to be derided, even if it's by strangers on a message board, I guess I should clarify:

There is no mortgage. This was a house built from scratch by DH's grandparents. It is a small modest home that he has grown up going to every year of his life, for free, since birth. Every year that I have known him, 20 years now, each family member has automatically taken a week. This isn't "mooching." This is how it's always been done in the family. We always knew we'd be going for a week this summer. The question I was posing is how to navigate "when." There was no question of us going. His mother would be insulted if we offered to pay for a week. DH would be flabbergasted. This is the house where he carved his initials in the walls, measured his height, grew up celebrating every milestone. We're not some random second-cousin trying to mooch for free at a five-star resort on the Riviera. Maybe that's a fun narrative on a Saturday night anonymous message board.

Literally all I wanted to know was how to navigate the complicated family dynamics of everyone trying to schedule a week. DH is doing the liaison with his mom. I am not involved at all. He has flatly refused to rent a house in the same town -- and his mom would be mortified if we did. Talk about causing a family rift. We literally just need to nail down our daughter's birthday, which she has celebrated at this home every year since 2004 without question or funds exchanged.

I really hope the people who get off on being so nasty on this board can take a pause. And I thank everyone who wrote in with honest replies for the feedback. I wish we could have a shared google cal. Would make it simpler.

It's.
Not.
Your.
Own.
House.

[Anonymous]

DD has had her birthday there for the last 15 years? Why can’t you just call the cousin and confirm the same date for this year? Sounds like it’s touchy. The cousin is probably over the whole thing and is irritated that you have entrenched the next generation so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has had her birthday there for the last 15 years? Why can’t you just call the cousin and confirm the same date for this year? Sounds like it’s touchy. The cousin is probably over the whole thing and is irritated that you have entrenched the next generation so much.

"Entrenched the next generation"? Huh?

[Anonymous]

OK, say the house is a pile of junk teardown. Legally, on paper, who owns the LAND?

It ain't you.

It's not your house. It's not a "family house." It's a house owned by two people: MIL and cousin. And if they are not confirming soon enough for your precious taste, get out your credit card and book your own vacation. Like an adult.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. It seems ridiculous that you can’t just get a firm yes or no on a week and there seems to be so much drama.

1) why can’t your DH just call his cousin directly and ask?

2) why can you do a zoom like someone suggested, everyone gets their calendars out? Knock it out in 10 minutes.

3) if people are making it difficult it appears it won’t work on your timeline. That’s unfortunate. But them the breaks it seems.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with the PP who posted that it sounds as if the dynamics between the 2 owners has changed somehow. Summer is not that far off so I'd start working on a Plan B.