Losing minds with 4.5 y.o. potty training

[Anonymous]

I don't know why potty training is the trigger for this more than almost any other subject on these boards, but there are so many parents who will respond to someone saying, "I am really struggling with this thing many parents struggle with and need support advice" by getting SUPER mean and condescending and smug. As though anyone wants to have a 4 yr old in pull ups. Or like people just go straight to ask the internet for advice before trying... every other possible solution they can find.

Like there are still people on page 7 and 8 of this thread saying things like "Have you tried running water while your son is at the potty? That might trick him into peeing!" Girl, that's not the problem! Pay attention! OP needs real help. Not to be told she's a bad mom (she's not, but I'm sure she already feels like one). Not to be told that 4.5 is really late to still be in pull ups (she obviously knows that). Not to be told that all this would have been easier if her child was already potty trained (duh).

No one who successfully potty trained their child before the age of 3 should even be weighing in on this thread. The question here is: I have a 4.5 year old who knows how to use the potty but refuses to do so at home -- I need advice or referrals for this specific problem. The responses should just be from people who have dealt with similar issues with older toddlers and pre-schoolers who were hard to potty train. None of the other people know anything. They just want to feel superior for a minute.

Anyway, OP -- I do think going cold turkey on pull ups is the way to go here, since it's clear that it's a stubbornness issue and not a physical problem or not understanding the mechanics. But I would wait until you can devote 4-5 consecutive days to it and I would figure out a way for you and your husband to approach it with as much positivity and empathy as possible. I don't agree with these suggestions to be emotionless or not reward him for using the potty. I think you need to reset the family dynamics around him using the potty towards positive and patience. Make it a family affair, plan some really fun at-home activities (forts, movies, baking, etc.). Then get rid of the pull ups. When there are accidents, explain it's okay. Relate stories of you and your husband having accidents when you were learning to use the potty. Clean up together and then put on fresh underwear and move on. It will be painful at first but I think you will turn a corner by day 3 and never look back.

Good luck! I get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom whose son wasn't trained off pullups until almost 6. He's a wonderful young man. We had to let it go. Its a power struggle you will not win by taking away the pullup

[Anonymous]

Does he respond to bribery? Set tiny bribes for each time he uses the potty and one large bribe for ultimate success. For us, it was m&m's and an American girl doll.

[Anonymous]

Your child is going to kindergarten next fall. Why are you still buying him diapers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is going to kindergarten next fall. Why are you still buying him diapers?

NP- will you shut up.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to offer you some support, Op. DS was late to start potty training and then took years to completely master daytime and nighttime. Accidents lingered for way too long. He understood what to do during the day, but couldn't be bothered with taking time to do it. So frustrating.We tried all of the methods that are popular and some methods that are not so popular. Nothing worked. DS had to decide for himself. That's his personality when it comes to most things. Its a constant battle for most things. As for nighttime, we eventually got him potting trained using an alarm he wore. It took months and then he regressed twice. At nine, we just stopped getting him up at night to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom whose son wasn't trained off pullups until almost 6. He's a wonderful young man. We had to let it go. Its a power struggle you will not win by taking away the pullup

You will likely end up with a heck of a lot more laundry if you take away the pullups. But, if you do choose to take the pull-ups away, then suggest teaching the 6 yr old how to do their laundry and how to strip/remake their bed. Its a win-win in a way. You don't have to do as much laundry and the kid learns a new skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why potty training is the trigger for this more than almost any other subject on these boards, but there are so many parents who will respond to someone saying, "I am really struggling with this thing many parents struggle with and need support advice" by getting SUPER mean and condescending and smug. As though anyone wants to have a 4 yr old in pull ups. Or like people just go straight to ask the internet for advice before trying... every other possible solution they can find.

Like there are still people on page 7 and 8 of this thread saying things like "Have you tried running water while your son is at the potty? That might trick him into peeing!" Girl, that's not the problem! Pay attention! OP needs real help. Not to be told she's a bad mom (she's not, but I'm sure she already feels like one). Not to be told that 4.5 is really late to still be in pull ups (she obviously knows that). Not to be told that all this would have been easier if her child was already potty trained (duh).

No one who successfully potty trained their child before the age of 3 should even be weighing in on this thread. The question here is: I have a 4.5 year old who knows how to use the potty but refuses to do so at home -- I need advice or referrals for this specific problem. The responses should just be from people who have dealt with similar issues with older toddlers and pre-schoolers who were hard to potty train. None of the other people know anything. They just want to feel superior for a minute.

Anyway, OP -- I do think going cold turkey on pull ups is the way to go here, since it's clear that it's a stubbornness issue and not a physical problem or not understanding the mechanics. But I would wait until you can devote 4-5 consecutive days to it and I would figure out a way for you and your husband to approach it with as much positivity and empathy as possible. I don't agree with these suggestions to be emotionless or not reward him for using the potty. I think you need to reset the family dynamics around him using the potty towards positive and patience. Make it a family affair, plan some really fun at-home activities (forts, movies, baking, etc.). Then get rid of the pull ups. When there are accidents, explain it's okay. Relate stories of you and your husband having accidents when you were learning to use the potty. Clean up together and then put on fresh underwear and move on. It will be painful at first but I think you will turn a corner by day 3 and never look back.

Good luck! I get it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

I'm OP, and I agree with this and have said it myself. But until age 2 y.o. DS was going through pretty intense physical therapy. He was also a late walker (associated with the reasons for PT). We started later than we did with DD, though I would say late end of normal, for this reason. As I mentioned in my first post, his last EIP evaluation with an OT said he didn't qualify for further services, but we should watch out for signs of possible sensory issues, which is why I brought it up.

This certainly has been an interesting thread, and I appreciate all of the advice, whether the comments were coupled with compassion or with judgment. The comments about anxiety in particular really resonated with DH and me. I think we might need external intervention, but DH (as I would expect) wants to try on our own first. We've been reminding DS regularly, and when he gets upset at the idea of going, we're pulling him aside and just talking him through and calming him down. It has been helping him actually go. One thing we've already discovered is that, in the past, telling him to go before leaving the house has created fear/anxiety in him. He's worried we will leave without him, so he gets upset, and then he physically can't go...which explains why he sometimes pees as soon as he stands up after ~10 min on the potty. It's clear now that DS is actually really ashamed about this, so I want to keep this positive.

It sounds like you've found the root of the issue then. The tough part is that anxiety is going to take a while, and this is probably something that is going to show up again in other situations, but knowing what's going on is a big step forward! good luck OP!