Losing minds with 4.5 y.o. potty training

[Anonymous]

Is it possible this has something to do with DH losing his temper?

[Anonymous]

Turn the heat down a few degrees and have him go naked for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had two boys older than OPs that have had accidents well into elementary school. For one, I think it is a sign of ADHD and he doesn't think to go. For the other, I think its just an unpleasant experience (#2 takes a while and is stinky) that he puts off. I've had to use different strategies for the both of them, none of which were particularly effective. For the second child, I bribed him as one PP suggested, so that was informative that he could do it, he just didn't want to...

OP, and this is also part of it for sure. Maybe that was the initial cause, and we've now managed to turn it into an all out power struggle.

Also, feeling really guilty since I was mostly incapacitated for 4-5 mos this year (illness, then a couple months later broken leg). I wonder if I could have been more on top of it, we could have prevented getting to this point. He sometimes wanted me to wipe etc when I was recuperating, and it was really hard balancing on crutches to do it so I used to rely on DH a lot.

Your entire problem right here.
Once its a power struggle it is no longer about the thing you are fighting about.
Go see a LCSW who specializes in this. Our school contracts with a LCSW who provides sessions for parents about a range of issues. The 2-3 year old class has had a potty training and challenging behaviors sessions. Her name is Claire Lerner and she has a website/blog. https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/2019/1/22/go-with-the-flow-preventing-the-perils-of-potty-training

You are at a point where you may need some outside assistance to remove the power struggle that is going on since he is going at school but not going at home. No judgement from here OP. Everyone has their struggles with their kid at one point or another and runs out of ideas. You many need an outside and neutral (professional) perspective.

[Anonymous]

He’s four and a half? You mean 2.5, right?

[Anonymous]

I had a power struggle happen with my 2nd as well. The only thing that worked was me not reacting. It was sooooooo hard, but I just flat out told my DD something along the lines of "honey, you are too old for diapers. You are welcome to pee your pants on purpose if you want, but you will help me clean it up, start the laundry with me and then take a shower. Mommy no longer cares either way what you want to do. It is your choice." I then said nothing when she peed herself on purpose and just took the steps mentioned before without comment. It took 2 weeks before she believed me, but we got there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Why does a potty-trained child still wear pull-ups anyway? Or at all?

Most children just go from diapers to potty-trained without using pullups.

If you can't say anything helpful, don't post.

-Not OP

+1

[Anonymous]

If he’s stubborn then you have 2 options: drop the rope, or use reverse psychology.

Dropping the rope is hard. You have to really commit to not reacting. Just something like: uh oh you didn’t make it to the toilet. Let’s go take a shower to clean up. Then say: when you’re bigger you won’t have accidents anymore. If you keep practicing you’ll get there.

Or for the reverse psychology option, tell him he has to wear a pull up and he doesn’t get to choose not to.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a great mom and I’m sorry for some of the comments you’re receiving here. I would talk to your pediatrician. This is definitely a challenge other families face (many don’t talk publicly about it since you can see how they’re shamed). The Ped may have suggestions or referrals. I’m not familiar with sensory issues but it sounds like there could be a connection.

I do wonder about a rewards chart as a pp mentioned. This has been powerful for one of my kids in particular who suffers from anxiety. Something like a sticker or check mark every time he uses the potty at home, get to 5 (or some low number), get a pretty decent prize, then start over and go to 10, and so on. The prizes need to be good ones. It sounds like for whatever reason this is difficult for your son and it’s ok to reward him for the accomplishment. It’s also a way to rewire his habits with regular reinforcements.

I would also do the very best you can to dial down your and DH’s emotion around this in front of your kid. I know that’s hard. Try to stay calm and neutral. I know it doesn’t feel like this now but he will get there.

[Anonymous]

Take away the pull up. He will not go on himself if he has on underwear.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried something like this: https://www.homedepot.com/b/Bath-Toilets-Toilet-Seats/Toddler/N-5yc1vZceq5Z1z1pktb?storeSelection=

It is a regular toilet seat, with a pull down child size seat built in. It is much more stable than putting a separate kids toilet seat on the regular toilet seat.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't already, you may want to teach him to pee standing up. You can use Cherrios or something as a target to make it fun for him.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but just take the pull ups away entirely. No pull ups at night time or nap time or out in public or in the car. Don’t buy another pull up for this child. He’s physically capable of using the bathroom and way too old to be wearing pull ups diapers even at night.

Put waterproof mattress pads on the bed, prepare for a few weeks of getting up in the night to change sheets but don’t say anything else about it. No judgment, no recommendations/advice, nothing. Don’t remind him to go, don’t force him to go, don’t mention anything about going to the bathroom to him or in front of him. When he does successfully go potty don’t say anything about it. When he has an accident, he cleans it up, he washes himself off, he changes clothes, he puts dirty clothes in the laundry. Just don’t give anything potty related any attention whatsoever—positive or negative. It’s on him to decide if he wants to continue having accidents or not. It may take awhile but eventually he’ll get tired of having accidents and since you know he’s capable of controlling it at school, he’ll eventually do it at home too.

Losing your temper or making a big deal of it at home certainly slows down/prevents any progress.

[Anonymous]

My successful neurotypucal child wasn't trained until 5. He wore pullups until almost 6. He's doing great today.

It's uncommon, but more often happens in boys than girls. Dont stress it. He'll be there by 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My successful neurotypucal child wasn't trained until 5. He wore pullups until almost 6. He's doing great today.

It's uncommon, but more often happens in boys than girls. Dont stress it. He'll be there by 6.

during the day? This is crazy talk. Nighttime is a different matter so if you are talking about nighttime then forget I said anything........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

Are we reading the same thread? No one is telling you not to tolerate it. We're all telling you to get rid of the pull ups and deal with the consequences for as long as it takes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for your child that you don't have the faith in him that he is capable of this and that you've relied on status-quo pull ups for so long. I also feel bad for what you're doing to the environment, thats almost 3 years longer than my children wore diapers. And really, stop calling it a pull up, it's just a diaper. That's what it feels like to.your son, there's no difference. Put less of your energy into labeling him with "sensory issues" and just potty train your almost 5 year old.

I have to ask the same question of you...because, as I've stated, we *have* done no pull-ups (except at night) and also no pants at all. Exactly how many weeks and months would you be willing to go with multiple accidents a day and no real progress? How much laundry are you willing to do? Even his school is not recommending this approach.

We may try it again, but I'm also looking for suggestions we haven't already tried. The only new thing is to take everything away at night as well, and try an alarm. We can try that, though he's usually dry in the morning. He just won't go to the potty when he wakes up. This kid has literally sat on the potty for 10 minutes insisting he doesn't need to go, and then peed as soon as he stood up.

Lady, are you being intentionally obtuse?

NO PULL UPS. NOT EVEN AT NIGHT! YES, IT MATTERS.