Losing minds with 4.5 y.o. potty training

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

Are we reading the same thread? No one is telling you not to tolerate it. We're all telling you to get rid of the pull ups and deal with the consequences for as long as it takes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for your child that you don't have the faith in him that he is capable of this and that you've relied on status-quo pull ups for so long. I also feel bad for what you're doing to the environment, thats almost 3 years longer than my children wore diapers. And really, stop calling it a pull up, it's just a diaper. That's what it feels like to.your son, there's no difference. Put less of your energy into labeling him with "sensory issues" and just potty train your almost 5 year old.

I have to ask the same question of you...because, as I've stated, we *have* done no pull-ups (except at night) and also no pants at all. Exactly how many weeks and months would you be willing to go with multiple accidents a day and no real progress? How much laundry are you willing to do? Even his school is not recommending this approach.

We may try it again, but I'm also looking for suggestions we haven't already tried. The only new thing is to take everything away at night as well, and try an alarm. We can try that, though he's usually dry in the morning. He just won't go to the potty when he wakes up. This kid has literally sat on the potty for 10 minutes insisting he doesn't need to go, and then peed as soon as he stood up.

Put him in a warm shower first thing in the morning,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My successful neurotypucal child wasn't trained until 5. He wore pullups until almost 6. He's doing great today.

It's uncommon, but more often happens in boys than girls. Dont stress it. He'll be there by 6.

during the day? This is crazy talk. Nighttime is a different matter so if you are talking about nighttime then forget I said anything........

Nope. We. Had the same Dynamic with stubbornness and continuous accidents and I decided to just give up since we were homeschooling anyway
and you know what he ended up going to school for first grade and he's totally fine now.

[Anonymous]

Unpleasant experiences such as constipation can create that issue.
Let him pee standing up (different association), make sure he is not constipated at all, give him a reward for using the bathroom (for my son it was play time on my phone and it worked wonders to change his association about potty time). Don't nag him. Alarm underwear for the night and maybe daytime too. And yes, no more pull ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

Are we reading the same thread? No one is telling you not to tolerate it. We're all telling you to get rid of the pull ups and deal with the consequences for as long as it takes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for your child that you don't have the faith in him that he is capable of this and that you've relied on status-quo pull ups for so long. I also feel bad for what you're doing to the environment, thats almost 3 years longer than my children wore diapers. And really, stop calling it a pull up, it's just a diaper. That's what it feels like to.your son, there's no difference. Put less of your energy into labeling him with "sensory issues" and just potty train your almost 5 year old.

I have to ask the same question of you...because, as I've stated, we *have* done no pull-ups (except at night) and also no pants at all. Exactly how many weeks and months would you be willing to go with multiple accidents a day and no real progress? How much laundry are you willing to do? Even his school is not recommending this approach.

We may try it again, but I'm also looking for suggestions we haven't already tried. The only new thing is to take everything away at night as well, and try an alarm. We can try that, though he's usually dry in the morning. He just won't go to the potty when he wakes up. This kid has literally sat on the potty for 10 minutes insisting he doesn't need to go, and then peed as soon as he stood up.

Put him in a warm shower first thing in the morning,

Or just run the sink while he’s sitting on the potty. Have you tried that? It sometimes tricks my stubborn 4yo into peeing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it's a power struggle situation. The best advice I got was not to care about my kids bathroom habits. I acted completely indifferent. They were big boys and big boys go on the potty. If they had an accident they had to clean it up, put their pants in the wash, and change. I didn't praise, bribe, or punish. There was seriously no pressure. Within days things got much better. There's occasional regressions due to growth spurts or exhaustion, but giving up the potty battle has been a game changer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should remove the pull-up. He should help to clean any mess he makes.

Everyone potty training goes through the hellish phase when you take away the diapers. It’s unavoidable. I actually think that the pull-up makes it that much worse—you should have just powered through the first time. For a kid that big it’s easier to clean up underwear accident s than a diaper anyways. What I did is that immediately after every accident he had to get hosed off in the shower and get new clothes. Yes it sucked snd o felt like I was losing my mind for a weekend, but then it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No pull-up.
He helps clean.
If he resists, mete out immediate consequences.

I actually think there’s no need for consequences besides the obvious need to get cleaned up. It’s winter. It’s cold. Nobody wants to sit in pee soaked pants and take five showers a day. It’s much more effective to just be neutral about it. “Oh no! It looks like you peed in your underwear—let’s go to the bathroom and get cleaned up”

Also, if he’s waking up dry he definitely does not need nighttime diapers.

[Anonymous]

This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

Having trained many boys I can tell you this is a normal I'd uncommon variation. The partial training is a good sign and the stubbornness is a good sign. I've seen a few boys like this and they are all successful adults

[Anonymous]

If not I'd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

Having trained many boys I can tell you this is a normal I'd uncommon variation. The partial training is a good sign and the stubbornness is a good sign. I've seen a few boys like this and they are all successful adults

I think some posters are missing out on a HUGE detail in follow-up posts from OP. She was laid up for a few weeks/months this year. "so, feeling really guilty since I was mostly incapacitated for 4-5 mos this year (illness, then a couple months later broken leg). I wonder if I could have been more on top of it, we could have prevented getting to this point. He sometimes wanted me to wipe etc when I was recuperating, and it was really hard balancing on crutches to do it so I used to rely on DH a lot."

Thinkin this triggered a regression and dependence on Mom. Again OP- you need to see a counselor to talk with you how to move forward and to observe your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it's a power struggle situation. The best advice I got was not to care about my kids bathroom habits. I acted completely indifferent. They were big boys and big boys go on the potty. If they had an accident they had to clean it up, put their pants in the wash, and change. I didn't praise, bribe, or punish. There was seriously no pressure. Within days things got much better. There's occasional regressions due to growth spurts or exhaustion, but giving up the potty battle has been a game changer

+1. This was the approach that finally helped our son to be potty trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

I'm OP, and I agree with this and have said it myself. But until age 2 y.o. DS was going through pretty intense physical therapy. He was also a late walker (associated with the reasons for PT). We started later than we did with DD, though I would say late end of normal, for this reason. As I mentioned in my first post, his last EIP evaluation with an OT said he didn't qualify for further services, but we should watch out for signs of possible sensory issues, which is why I brought it up.

This certainly has been an interesting thread, and I appreciate all of the advice, whether the comments were coupled with compassion or with judgment. The comments about anxiety in particular really resonated with DH and me. I think we might need external intervention, but DH (as I would expect) wants to try on our own first. We've been reminding DS regularly, and when he gets upset at the idea of going, we're pulling him aside and just talking him through and calming him down. It has been helping him actually go. One thing we've already discovered is that, in the past, telling him to go before leaving the house has created fear/anxiety in him. He's worried we will leave without him, so he gets upset, and then he physically can't go...which explains why he sometimes pees as soon as he stands up after ~10 min on the potty. It's clear now that DS is actually really ashamed about this, so I want to keep this positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it's a power struggle situation. The best advice I got was not to care about my kids bathroom habits. I acted completely indifferent. They were big boys and big boys go on the potty. If they had an accident they had to clean it up, put their pants in the wash, and change. I didn't praise, bribe, or punish. There was seriously no pressure. Within days things got much better. There's occasional regressions due to growth spurts or exhaustion, but giving up the potty battle has been a game changer

OP here. I think once we can get him over the anxiety of going, this may be the approach we take assuming that just overcoming the anxiety isn't enough.

He just went to the potty, and announced that he was going to "try to relax" when he sat down. He did successfully go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great case study in not letting problems get too far out of hand. This would have been much much easier to solve a year (or two) ago. I honestly do not know what OP’s options are at this point if she has truly done weeks of naked method with no cheating, especially since her child is potty trained at school.

Parents on this board balk, but there is a reason you train them young when their stubbornness is not so well-developed.

I'm OP, and I agree with this and have said it myself. But until age 2 y.o. DS was going through pretty intense physical therapy. He was also a late walker (associated with the reasons for PT). We started later than we did with DD, though I would say late end of normal, for this reason. As I mentioned in my first post, his last EIP evaluation with an OT said he didn't qualify for further services, but we should watch out for signs of possible sensory issues, which is why I brought it up.

This certainly has been an interesting thread, and I appreciate all of the advice, whether the comments were coupled with compassion or with judgment. The comments about anxiety in particular really resonated with DH and me. I think we might need external intervention, but DH (as I would expect) wants to try on our own first. We've been reminding DS regularly, and when he gets upset at the idea of going, we're pulling him aside and just talking him through and calming him down. It has been helping him actually go. One thing we've already discovered is that, in the past, telling him to go before leaving the house has created fear/anxiety in him. He's worried we will leave without him, so he gets upset, and then he physically can't go...which explains why he sometimes pees as soon as he stands up after ~10 min on the potty. It's clear now that DS is actually really ashamed about this, so I want to keep this positive.

Can't one of you just stand there while he goes? Then he knows you can't possibly leave without him because you are right there. Once of mine needed "company" in the bathroom for a good long while. And she is now the most demanding of "privacy" in the entire household.