Losing minds with 4.5 y.o. potty training

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Why does a potty-trained child still wear pull-ups anyway? Or at all?

Most children just go from diapers to potty-trained without using pullups.

If you can't say anything helpful, don't post.

-Not OP

I think it IS helpful for OP to know how far outside the norm this is. Does she not have any friends with similar aged kids? When my kids were potty training it was a frequent topic of mom-friend conversations. We were all well aware who was/was not potty-trained, who was day/night trained, etc. OP doesn't seem to have these relative data points. Why would she think she should leave them in the pull-up after training? She must go to a loosy goosy in-home preschool. Because in our preschool, you couldn't move up to the 3 year old room unless you were fully potty trained. And this was not that many years ago (5.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Why does a potty-trained child still wear pull-ups anyway? Or at all?

Most children just go from diapers to potty-trained without using pullups.

If you can't say anything helpful, don't post.

-Not OP

I think it IS helpful for OP to know how far outside the norm this is. Does she not have any friends with similar aged kids? When my kids were potty training it was a frequent topic of mom-friend conversations. We were all well aware who was/was not potty-trained, who was day/night trained, etc. OP doesn't seem to have these relative data points. Why would she think she should leave them in the pull-up after training? She must go to a loosy goosy in-home preschool. Because in our preschool, you couldn't move up to the 3 year old room unless you were fully potty trained. And this was not that many years ago (5.)

Same for our daycare: the teachers had the parents send kids in in underwear starting around 2.75 years (used pullup for naps) and then would decide when to stop using pullups for naps based on how things were going, kids couldn't move up to the 3 year old room until they were dry during naps with no pullup, and most kids moved up (even the boys) by the time they were 3.5 years old.

[Anonymous]

All the signs are there that he can do it! I don't know why you still have him in pullups -- just in case of the accident? Accidents will happen, and dealing with them is part of the learning to be potty trained without pullups.

I also have a 4.5 year old. At 3 years old, he started pre-K, and at the time he was considered already potty trained by his day care. Then at pre-K, maybe out of anxiety in the new environment, he started having accidents almost daily at school (but not at home). His teachers would have him change his pants and underwear. But they did not want him in diapers! Eventually, I think it took a number of weeks, his accidents stopped and ever since then he can be counted on to use the potty for all his waking hours. He still wears a pullup at night though.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Honestly, we have tried all of these things. Naked time. No pull-ups (well, we never took them away at night). Sit on the potty at regular intervals. He doesn't seem to care. He'll have a few good days, then he'll revert to his pattern of refusing to go. It's a fight to get him to sit on the potty. Sometimes he'll sit on the potty for 10 minutes, and pee after he stands up. DH has been losing his temper, which obviously also isn't helping...but we're so frustrated. After changing wet pants multiple times a day for weeks, we do get exhausted and give him the pull-ups back.

It's been like this for, I don't know, feels like forever. Definitely before the pandemic. I was a little more relaxed about it early in the pandemic, because it was such chaos (not to mention I was sick for two months and trying to juggle two kids and work). Since then, we've tried a new strategy every month and have utterly failed by the end of the month. He's crying about the potty. DH is fuming. I just want to cry. We started pre-school again in November, partially hoping that would help.

Yes, I know this is abnormal. I wouldn't be posting about it otherwise. That's also why I asked about sensory issues, because we can't figure out why he's doing this. He just doesn't seem to care at all if his pants are wet.

Maybe we need to talk to his pediatrician. There were other issues, so this didn't come up at his 4 y.o. check up (also, he was actually doing pretty good at that time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No pull-up.
He helps clean.
If he resists, mete out immediate consequences.

What consequences are appropriate? It just turns into a battle where he's hiding in cabinets. He doesn't care about no toys, no treats, no TV. He doesn't care about wet pants. He doesn't even mind cleaning up.

I didn't have issues potty training, but I feel like he's me. I was incredibly stubborn as a kid. I could sit at the dinner table for hours refusing to eat something I didn't like. It's like this is cosmic justice for what a difficult kid I was.

All I can figure is that this is an attempt to get attention. But I don't know how to resolve it now that we're here. I try to give him 1::1 attention. Earlier this year, I was incapacitated with illness and then a broken bone, so he did miss out for quite some time.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him (calmly) why he does this? He’s old enough to give you an explanation - it’s likely control or sensory related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him (calmly) why he does this? He’s old enough to give you an explanation - it’s likely control or sensory related.

Yes. Multiple times. He'll either say, "Don't talk to me about it," and refuse to answer...or he'll parrot back something he's heard us say at some point but is clearly not true, i.e. he can't answer any additional questions about it.

He was constipated at one point, and I think that let to general fear of the potty. But that was a while ago. And it doesn't explain why he doesn't mind going at school. The only concrete comment he's made is that the potties at school are smaller. We've put stools in front of our toilets. I've said it was okay to use the kiddy potty. I'm at the point where I'd be willing to call a contractor and have a kid-size toilet installed in our house (only kinda joking).

If it is a sensory issue, what's the strategy for dealing with it? Who would I even go to for help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Honestly, we have tried all of these things. Naked time. No pull-ups (well, we never took them away at night). Sit on the potty at regular intervals. He doesn't seem to care. He'll have a few good days, then he'll revert to his pattern of refusing to go. It's a fight to get him to sit on the potty. Sometimes he'll sit on the potty for 10 minutes, and pee after he stands up. DH has been losing his temper, which obviously also isn't helping...but we're so frustrated. After changing wet pants multiple times a day for weeks, we do get exhausted and give him the pull-ups back.

It's been like this for, I don't know, feels like forever. Definitely before the pandemic. I was a little more relaxed about it early in the pandemic, because it was such chaos (not to mention I was sick for two months and trying to juggle two kids and work). Since then, we've tried a new strategy every month and have utterly failed by the end of the month. He's crying about the potty. DH is fuming. I just want to cry. We started pre-school again in November, partially hoping that would help.

Yes, I know this is abnormal. I wouldn't be posting about it otherwise. That's also why I asked about sensory issues, because we can't figure out why he's doing this. He just doesn't seem to care at all if his pants are wet.

Maybe we need to talk to his pediatrician. There were other issues, so this didn't come up at his 4 y.o. check up (also, he was actually doing pretty good at that time).

I would make a big declaration that he is too old for pull-ups and no longer needs them. Switch brands and tell him they are “nighttime pull-ups only.” From the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed, naked from the waist down. If he leaves the house, sweatpants or lose pants but no underwear. Do this for as long as it takes and don’t give in. It may take a while because you have already proven he can outlast you. You have to somehow convince him you mean it this time. At kindergarten they don’t prompt kids to go.

[Anonymous]

Go full no pull-up 24/7 and make sure his bed is fitted with a waterproof sheet.

[Anonymous]

Stop buying and putting him in a pull-up. He's 4.5. If he has an accident he can clean it up himself.

[Anonymous]

No pull ups ever. Not even at night.

He's 4.5 FFS. You certainly aren't doing him any favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ditch the pull-up.

+1

Try the naked method.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ditch the pull-up.

+1

Try the naked method.

Me again. And at night underwear and get an alarm if you’re afraid of him wetting the bed. My son was trained in less than a week.

[Anonymous]

Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop buying and putting him in a pull-up. He's 4.5. If he has an accident he can clean it up himself.

We don't clean up his accidents. It doesn't seem to matter to him that he has to do it. Yes, he sometimes puts up a fight or hides for a little while, but he does it. We don't.