Losing minds with 4.5 y.o. potty training

[Anonymous]

I've had two boys older than OPs that have had accidents well into elementary school. For one, I think it is a sign of ADHD and he doesn't think to go. For the other, I think its just an unpleasant experience (#2 takes a while and is stinky) that he puts off. I've had to use different strategies for the both of them, none of which were particularly effective. For the second child, I bribed him as one PP suggested, so that was informative that he could do it, he just didn't want to...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had two boys older than OPs that have had accidents well into elementary school. For one, I think it is a sign of ADHD and he doesn't think to go. For the other, I think its just an unpleasant experience (#2 takes a while and is stinky) that he puts off. I've had to use different strategies for the both of them, none of which were particularly effective. For the second child, I bribed him as one PP suggested, so that was informative that he could do it, he just didn't want to...

OP, and this is also part of it for sure. Maybe that was the initial cause, and we've now managed to turn it into an all out power struggle.

Also, feeling really guilty since I was mostly incapacitated for 4-5 mos this year (illness, then a couple months later broken leg). I wonder if I could have been more on top of it, we could have prevented getting to this point. He sometimes wanted me to wipe etc when I was recuperating, and it was really hard balancing on crutches to do it so I used to rely on DH a lot.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a steady stool or step ladder & potty seat on the toilet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a steady stool or step ladder & potty seat on the toilet?

Do you mean a stool to step up to the toilet? Yes. And a different one for the sink, so he doesn't have to move it. We have a potty ring, but he says he doesn't like using it and prefers to sit on the seat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

Are we reading the same thread? No one is telling you not to tolerate it. We're all telling you to get rid of the pull ups and deal with the consequences for as long as it takes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for your child that you don't have the faith in him that he is capable of this and that you've relied on status-quo pull ups for so long. I also feel bad for what you're doing to the environment, thats almost 3 years longer than my children wore diapers. And really, stop calling it a pull up, it's just a diaper. That's what it feels like to.your son, there's no difference. Put less of your energy into labeling him with "sensory issues" and just potty train your almost 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I understand the judgment and the suggestions to just "not tolerate" this behavior. But as his parent who has successfully potty-trained another kid, I don't think that this is a typical issue with typical solutions. We've tried a lot of things.

Does anyone have experience with sensory or psychological issues that might be related to potty training? Because that's really what this seems like to me.

Are we reading the same thread? No one is telling you not to tolerate it. We're all telling you to get rid of the pull ups and deal with the consequences for as long as it takes.

Frankly, I feel sorry for your child that you don't have the faith in him that he is capable of this and that you've relied on status-quo pull ups for so long. I also feel bad for what you're doing to the environment, thats almost 3 years longer than my children wore diapers. And really, stop calling it a pull up, it's just a diaper. That's what it feels like to.your son, there's no difference. Put less of your energy into labeling him with "sensory issues" and just potty train your almost 5 year old.

I have to ask the same question of you...because, as I've stated, we *have* done no pull-ups (except at night) and also no pants at all. Exactly how many weeks and months would you be willing to go with multiple accidents a day and no real progress? How much laundry are you willing to do? Even his school is not recommending this approach.

We may try it again, but I'm also looking for suggestions we haven't already tried. The only new thing is to take everything away at night as well, and try an alarm. We can try that, though he's usually dry in the morning. He just won't go to the potty when he wakes up. This kid has literally sat on the potty for 10 minutes insisting he doesn't need to go, and then peed as soon as he stood up.

[Anonymous]

OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a good friend or relative you could send him to stay with for a week? See how he does there and give yourself a break? It would give more insight into the problem and may even help him break the habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

Something at your house is a problem. He’s going at school. It’s not sensory or anything else if he is willing to go at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a good friend or relative you could send him to stay with for a week? See how he does there and give yourself a break? It would give more insight into the problem and may even help him break the habit.

We have talked about doing this with my mom, but they are a plane flight away and my mom's a doctor...so at this point it couldn't happen until after COVID. From a COVID standpoint, there isn't really anyone we could leave him with to deal with this since people with older kids who might be willing to help are podded with other families. I will say that COVID has been a big issue in all of this. He was doing much better before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

Well OP I think you have your answer then. This requires help that the random internet strangers of DCUM cannot provide. Start with your pediatrician to get a referral for a therapist. He obviously has a “thing” with your house and at this point you are all locked in one heck of a negative power struggle. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

Something at your house is a problem. He’s going at school. It’s not sensory or anything else if he is willing to go at school.

That's a good point.

With the house thing, I mean, I know that our home routine has pretty much fallen apart since March. We try to keep things as normal as we can, but there's very little that's normal these days. That's one of the reasons we sent him back to pre-school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

Well OP I think you have your answer then. This requires help that the random internet strangers of DCUM cannot provide. Start with your pediatrician to get a referral for a therapist. He obviously has a “thing” with your house and at this point you are all locked in one heck of a negative power struggle. Good luck!

Is there a specific kind of therapist that we should ask about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. To be clear, we all, including DS, know he's capable...because he's fine at school. Whatever's going on is not physically not being potty-trained.

Well OP I think you have your answer then. This requires help that the random internet strangers of DCUM cannot provide. Start with your pediatrician to get a referral for a therapist. He obviously has a “thing” with your house and at this point you are all locked in one heck of a negative power struggle. Good luck!

Is there a specific kind of therapist that we should ask about?

PP here. I think any general child’s psychologist would work fine, perhaps one that specializes in anxiety? The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it makes me think anxiety.

I’ve taken my kids to Lara Doyle in Falls Church (about other things than potty training). She is fantastic!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried, pulling back. Take away the pullups, let him no he has to go to the bathroom the same way he does at school and if he has an accident he has to clean it up.

No reminders, no begging to go.