AITA: teasing a friend

[Anonymous]

How many times must she tell you she doesn't like it before you get it? You soon won't have this friend.

[Anonymous]

From the OP:

Anonymous wrote:.....
I have a friend who is a little bit sensitive. I think it's just her personality, but also she's been having a bit of a tough time lately at work. I think she and her boyfriend might have some Covid-related strife, I don't know. Point is, she's a little on the sensitive time......

so you know she has a lot of stress in her life right now AND you think it's a good idea to single her out for "teasing" AKA ridiculing her during a low point. You suck as a friend and yes, you are being as a$$hole. Maybe for you it seems like you are being humorous and trying to lighten her mood but I think YOU are being oversensitive to the fact that she finds your behaviour boorish and that you are attacking her out of your own insecurity for behaving badly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you guys are getting it. The photos I post are not a big deal. They are like candid photos where she is making a weird face or something. They might be mildly embarrassing but nothing to get worked up about. I actually had one of her that was genuinely really unflattering and showed it to her. She even got mad about that and I didn't even post the photo, I just texted it to her.

I guess what you are saying is that she is not really my friend. I don't know, maybe you are right. We have lots in friends in common though, so we see each other a lot. I just don't see why I should have to walk on eggshells around her or change my whole sense of humor because she is so sensitive.

In all seriousness, OP, are you on the spectrum? That is the most generous explanation I can come up with for your attitude and behavior.

I wondered this as well - on the spectrum or narcissistic. I think the latter. An autistic person wouldn’t have the social skills to recognize they were being the asshole and would need to be told by the woman whose picture was posted. But an autistic person also wouldn’t have the social skills to be able to deliberately continue the emotional torture (accidentally, maybe, deliberately, no).

A narcissist does typically understand that another person would be uncomfortable but without being able to have any empathy. A narcissistic person also would be unable to hear criticism and re-cast it as support for his position.

YATnarcissisticA

Autistic people can be a-holes, too. A decent person with autism might take the teasing too far, not properly reading the cues that the person didn't like it. But once they were told that they were hurting the other person's feelings, they would stop the teasing, or at least try to stop. OP isn't confused about whether or not her friend likes the teasing -- she knows that it makes her friend unhappy. She keeps doing it anyway. She's TA.

She might be narcissistic -- SHE can't be in the wrong, her friend must be oversensitive. No one can reasonably ask HER to modify her behavior.

Or, you know, she's just a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I have been the "over sensitive friend." Here is what she thinks:

She has asked you several times to stop and you refuse, so she has concluded you don't value her happiness or comfort. She doesn't consider you her friend and she feels anxious when she is going out with friends and knows you will be there. She may be trying to win you over in the hopes that you will stop, or she may be trying to distance herself from you. She is considering severing relationships not only with you but with mutual friends because your behavior is so upsetting.

When you refer to your bullying behavior as "joking", you are gaslighting her. She may have low self-esteem (perhaps already triggered by her work and relationship problems, and the stress of Covid), which might make your gaslighting effective. She probably regularly blames herself for your behavior, and wonders what is "wrong" with her. She surely senses that you are targeting her and probably looks for ways to avoid being your target. But since you are at least partially motivated by her vulnerability to your behavior, it's probably not working.

So my question to you is this: what would it take for you to stop? She has asked you directly to stop. Her discomfort is obvious. It's not clear that there is anything friendly or affectionate between you. So what is your goal? It can't be to maintain your friendship with her, because your behavior is doing the opposite. Are you trying to make her so miserable she goes away? To get her to kiss your ass? For her to adopt a brand new personality that accommodates your needs? She has been clear about what she wants -- for you to stop teasing her and taking her photo without her permission. But it's not clear what you want. Tell her directly and then let her make her own choices.

I ultimately told our mutual friends that I could not tolerate being around this woman anymore. Some of them stayed with me and some of them went with her. It was awkward and put a lot of people in the middle and ultimately led me to lose a number of friends that I valued (though admittedly less so when they supported her in this abusive behavior). But it was the only way for me to escape her bullying behavior. I sincerely wish she could have found a way not to do it, as it wound up affecting many people. That's why stuff like this is called "anti-social behavior" -- because it disrupts and severs community bonds.

And yes, you are the asshole.

[Anonymous]

Know your audience, my friend.

[Anonymous]

"she gets mad at me every time" = what is your problem that you are still doing all this? You are a bully and I don't use that term lightly as it gets thrown around a lot. With friends like you, who needs enemies? She must have low-self esteem to have a 'friend' like you. Apologize. Change. No excuses.