Reply to AITA: teasing a friend

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[quote=Anonymous]I have been the "over sensitive friend." Here is what she thinks:

She has asked you several times to stop and you refuse, so she has concluded you don't value her happiness or comfort. She doesn't consider you her friend and she feels anxious when she is going out with friends and knows you will be there. She may be trying to win you over in the hopes that you will stop, or she may be trying to distance herself from you. She is considering severing relationships not only with you but with mutual friends because your behavior is so upsetting.

When you refer to your bullying behavior as "joking", you are gaslighting her. She may have low self-esteem (perhaps already triggered by her work and relationship problems, and the stress of Covid), which might make your gaslighting effective. She probably regularly blames herself for your behavior, and wonders what is "wrong" with her. She surely senses that you are targeting her and probably looks for ways to avoid being your target. But since you are at least partially motivated by her vulnerability to your behavior, it's probably not working.

So my question to you is this: what would it take for you to stop? She has asked you directly to stop. Her discomfort is obvious. It's not clear that there is anything friendly or affectionate between you. So what is your goal? It can't be to maintain your friendship with her, because your behavior is doing the opposite. Are you trying to make her so miserable she goes away? To get her to kiss your ass? For her to adopt a brand new personality that accommodates your needs? She has been clear about what she wants -- for you to stop teasing her and taking her photo without her permission. But it's not clear what you want. Tell her directly and then let her make her own choices.

I ultimately told our mutual friends that I could not tolerate being around this woman anymore. Some of them stayed with me and some of them went with her. It was awkward and put a lot of people in the middle and ultimately led me to lose a number of friends that I valued (though admittedly less so when they supported her in this abusive behavior). But it was the only way for me to escape her bullying behavior. I sincerely wish she could have found a way not to do it, as it wound up affecting many people. That's why stuff like this is called "anti-social behavior" -- because it disrupts and severs community bonds.

And yes, you are the asshole.[/quote]

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