How To Find A SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m a very high earner and work 70-80 hour weeks. I will be involved as I possibly can with kids, but she will be the default parent. We will hire help with childcare and housekeeping, but she will manage the day-to-day responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, shuffling kids to school, etc. My parents had the same setup and it worked. My dad was very involved in raising us, but my mom did the bulk of it.

OP, my husband and I have this set up. He is a law firm partner and I am a SAHM. I had our first at 37 after getting a PhD and having a career. My best friend is similar, the wife of a partner who formerly had a political job. We are both in happy marriages. For me (and a believe for my friend), I don’t mind taking on this role. I had almost two decades to work and now I am enjoying having little at home. We are not religious or conservative. Just regular, well educated suburban liberals.

[Anonymous]

OP, meet someone, fall in love, decide TOGETHER what arrangements work best for your lives/marriage.

Even if I wanted to be a SAHM, I would not want to be with someone who has already decided what the division of labor regarding childcare/home will be, when I will be allowed to work, my primary responsibilities, etc. You sound like you want to manage your wife. It would be a hell no for me. Find someone you love and work together to plan your lives.

[Anonymous]

Oops. He lost me at prenup. I was his big supporter til I scrolled back and saw that.

OP these SAHM couples I know transcend certain things. They almost look or act like connected actual family members. And after 30 or 40 years they start to look the same.

They built their lives together. No prenups. All love and commitment. And loyalty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a ton of money. A fair amount of women would be willing to do the bulk of of the child/household work, so long as you make plenty to provide a good lifestyle and house help when she needs/wants it, since you aren’t willing to pitch in. She will also want to make sure, in the event of divorce, that her “half” will be still be a lot and keep her comfortable , since she pretty much gave up a career and even if she goes back to work, so won’t make nearly what she could have or once did.

OP here. I was in a relationship that just ended here I thought I found the one. We were very in love and happy but she refused to sign a prenup. I own multiple businesses and have a decent net worth. A prenup is non-negotiable. Most women do not want to sign one.

You want her to give up any chance of getting back into the job market at her current level with no assurances that she’ll be taken care of when you dump her? Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all of what OP wants (and I handle the finances). My husband makes 100% of the money now. We met in law school.

He doesn't want her to have the ability to handle the finances, and he wants a pre-nup. Very different than your set-up.

He never said that. He said he could handle the fianances. But it wasn’t to the exclusion of the wife. It was obviously his attempt at adding value.

And I quote:

OP here. I will be head of the finances but she will have full access to it.

He's explicitly saying that the finances being completely under his control is yet another control freak non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m a very high earner and work 70-80 hour weeks. I will be involved as I possibly can with kids, but she will be the default parent. We will hire help with childcare and housekeeping, but she will manage the day-to-day responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, shuffling kids to school, etc. My parents had the same setup and it worked. My dad was very involved in raising us, but my mom did the bulk of it.

OP, my husband and I have this set up. He is a law firm partner and I am a SAHM. I had our first at 37 after getting a PhD and having a career. My best friend is similar, the wife of a partner who formerly had a political job. We are both in happy marriages. For me (and a believe for my friend), I don’t mind taking on this role. I had almost two decades to work and now I am enjoying having little at home. We are not religious or conservative. Just regular, well educated suburban liberals.

Just out of curiosity, PP... do you also have a prenup and does your husband control the finances?

[Anonymous]

Date school teachers or nurses. My husband is big law. We have five kids and I stay home. I was an Catholic school teacher when we first met and then we got married 6 months later and our first was born a year after we married. All my peers from work did the same as me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date school teachers or nurses. My husband is big law. We have five kids and I stay home. I was an Catholic school teacher when we first met and then we got married 6 months later and our first was born a year after we married. All my peers from work did the same as me.

Did you sign a prenup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m a very high earner and work 70-80 hour weeks. I will be involved as I possibly can with kids, but she will be the default parent. We will hire help with childcare and housekeeping, but she will manage the day-to-day responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, shuffling kids to school, etc. My parents had the same setup and it worked. My dad was very involved in raising us, but my mom did the bulk of it.

OP, my husband and I have this set up. He is a law firm partner and I am a SAHM. I had our first at 37 after getting a PhD and having a career. My best friend is similar, the wife of a partner who formerly had a political job. We are both in happy marriages. For me (and a believe for my friend), I don’t mind taking on this role. I had almost two decades to work and now I am enjoying having little at home. We are not religious or conservative. Just regular, well educated suburban liberals.

Just out of curiosity, PP... do you also have a prenup and does your husband control the finances?

I don’t know any families with a SAHM who have a prenup. Honestly even without a prenup, the SAHM is only *sometimes* entitled to half the value of the assets earned during the marriage. Alimony is practically unheard of. I can’t imagine a woman willing to take on this role and forfeiting her share of wealth earned in the marriage.

OP, your question is not how to find a SAHM, it’s how to find a stupid SAHM (who meets your other standards.)

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay. Tell me what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it to attract a woman with these qualities

Age: 30-35. A little younger is fine but I do not want a woman younger than 28. I need to have things in common and need a mature woman who has a good amount of life experience. I want a woman who knows what she wants.

Career: A woman who wants to be a lifelong SAHM or out her career on hold at least PT to be home with the kids when they need FT care.

Wife: I want a true partner. An actual marriage with respect and love. I do not want a mail order bride.

A woman ideally willing to sign a prenup relinquishing any rights to my businesses. It’s not unreasonable for me to protect my assets.

I will be involved as I can. I plan to be an involved parent and spouse.

Most of the women I attract now either do not want to a SAHM or are gold diggers and get upset when I bring up a prenup.

You actually don't want any of that. Good luck to the idiot that marries you , and I say that as a SAHM .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are going to have to go on a lot of dates and bring this up in person. No one is going to say on a message board that they want to dump their career, but plenty of people do if they will have a better lifestyle for doing so. These are not going to be doctors or lawyers. Think people with titles like Marketing Coordinator.

To get these dates, you will need to be attractive enough for a woman to agree to match with your profile. You will need to be clever/charming/whatever enough to have her agree to a date.

+1

Tons of women out there like this. Look for burnt out teachers, esp.

If OP is really so rich and even decently attractive, I don’t see what the hold up is.

[Anonymous]

Look for women who are first generation American. My grandparents and my mom were all from Southern Europe, i'm very domesticated and somehow naturally ended up as a SAHM. And I love it! Buyer beware though I'm plenty feisty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all of what OP wants (and I handle the finances). My husband makes 100% of the money now. We met in law school.

He doesn't want her to have the ability to handle the finances, and he wants a pre-nup. Very different than your set-up.

He never said that. He said he could handle the fianances. But it wasn’t to the exclusion of the wife. It was obviously his attempt at adding value.

And I quote:

OP here. I will be head of the finances but she will have full access to it.

He's explicitly saying that the finances being completely under his control is yet another control freak non-negotiable.

I stand corrected. He’s on a difficult quest. He sounds like he’s not such a great catch. And his subsequent posts have kind of removed the doubt I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a ton of money. A fair amount of women would be willing to do the bulk of of the child/household work, so long as you make plenty to provide a good lifestyle and house help when she needs/wants it, since you aren’t willing to pitch in. She will also want to make sure, in the event of divorce, that her “half” will be still be a lot and keep her comfortable , since she pretty much gave up a career and even if she goes back to work, so won’t make nearly what she could have or once did.

OP here. I was in a relationship that just ended here I thought I found the one. We were very in love and happy but she refused to sign a prenup. I own multiple businesses and have a decent net worth. A prenup is non-negotiable. Most women do not want to sign one.

You want her to give up any chance of getting back into the job market at her current level with no assurances that she’ll be taken care of when you dump her? Wow!

OP here. I said I’m open to a woman who wants to put her career on hold to raise kids and then go back to work once they are school aged.

The prenup will be for my businesses and my assets. Any money that we make after we are married will be considered “our” money and she is entitled to. She is welcome to handle the finances as well. She will have full access to all accounts that is ours and can spends as she pleases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date school teachers or nurses. My husband is big law. We have five kids and I stay home. I was an Catholic school teacher when we first met and then we got married 6 months later and our first was born a year after we married. All my peers from work did the same as me.

ding ding ding, Catholic would be a good start.