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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter. 
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I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work. 
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How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?[/quote]

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism.  You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator.  It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all.  It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home.  Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details.  He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it.  He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.[/quote]

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - [b]he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know[/b]. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.[/quote]

I am actually get narcissistic vibes from him, and he is gas lighting you.

The withholding sex is very weird.

And don’t get me started on nightly dinner sandwiches. WTAF.

I lived crazy Spartan before wife (mattress on floor, steel shelving furniture, etc), but we are building a home together and my greatest goal is her (and then by extension the kids) happiness. The things you ask of him are trivial sacrifices of time and effort, yes he is acting so put out he refuses sex???

Hence I don’t think autism, but something more deep rooted.  
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