Dating advice for divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any idea what the answers to this guy's questions are, but the first two responses are absurd. He's obviously going to have a lot of nights when he doesn't have his kids, so why should he spend those nights "focused" on them instead of socializing with another adult? wtf

He should get his kids more. He can afford an attorney to fight for more custody.

+1

Joint custody is the default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And yes as a PP mentioned, get the HPV vaccine so you don’t kill somebody.

Or himself

Or get warts

He's too old for the vaccine and condoms don't fully protect against HPV. You can still get it from oral--and from contact that isn't necessarily PIV.

He’s not too old for the vaccine. They upped the age limit. It’s 46 now. And he works in big law, so he can afford to pay the four hundred dollars for it if insurance won’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 44 and I would be very interested. I have primary custody so looking to spend some weekends at nice hotels, being treated to nice dinners etc etc
I need to get in shape though before I start dating. I love sex but need to get rid of some extra pounds!
You may be interested in younger women though (I would if I were a physically fit biglaw lawyer!)

The guy has no money to spend on you. Read his post.

I don’t think he meant that money. Surely he can afford a hotel and a dinner.
I think he means no money for marriage and more kids? I don’t know.

Why should he spend his money on you? Why don’t you treat him to nice hotels, nice dinners, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

To be fair you don't know if his income will decrease and his ex must get a job.

It's okay to work less to be with the kids and its also expected his wife will work more, it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

Buy a decent townhouse so your kids have a comfortable place to visit or nice condo with a nice pool.

It is going to come from your income and your ex's new income. Also, you don't have money to date if you don't have money to buy a place for your kids to visit.

Priorities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

Don't lead with your money if you haven't got any to spend. OP like others have said you should work on yourself and see what you have to offer someone besides being almost divorced and soon to be ex big las

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the helpful, sympathetic advice. I'll definitely be up front about my long-term plans (no more kids, wait and see about marriage). I may have been out of the dating game for a long time, but I still know about safe sex. I guess I should clarify something: I adore my kids and will spend as much time with them as I can, and I have always been and will still be very involved in the parenting. But they have a mom, and so there will be plenty of nights when I can't see them. And they're mainly going to be living with their mom for some pragmatic reasons. That's the initial arrangement. We can revise it. This is all by consent. Like I said, relatively amicable. There's a lot of sadness but not much anger - we've already worked through that.

Woman here and child of divorced parents. Not having your kids 50/50 is fine and maybe better for them. It is dispruptive to have to switch households for a week, every other week. If they have a good relationship with Mom and she isn't crazy, having them primarily reside with her is fine, as long as you stay involved. Don't let people here make you feel guilty about that.

Stay away from childless women in their 20s or 30s for long term relationships. They have no idea about being a step mother and being put second to your children. Plus even if they say they don't want kids there is a high likelihood they will change their mind once they hook you in and/or get married to you.

I would stick with divorced single mothers in their 30s or women in their 40s, kids or no kids doesn't matter once past early 40s.

Good luck and focus on your kids for now as they are feeling the instability. Don't partner up with someone they don't mesh well with either. It will very much hurt your relationship with them permenately.

[Anonymous]

Vaccination is not recommended for everyone older than age 26 years. However, some men age 27 through 45 years who are not already vaccinated may decide to get the HPV vaccine after speaking with their healthcare provider about their risk for new HPV infections and the possible benefits of vaccination. HPV vaccination in this age range provides less benefit. Most sexually active adults have already been exposed to HPV, although not necessarily all of the HPV types targeted by vaccination.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 40 year old single mom who recently separated, although the relationship has been over for years. You sound exactly like the kind of guy I would want to date. Someone who has his own life and kids who will take up a majority of his time, but still would like to have an emotional connection and some company when not at work or with your kids. Sounds perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

No. His kids don't have a right to live in any particular house or to attend private schools. Dad makes the money, dad will decide how it is spent and what the kids will do.

He doesn't "need" a high income. His kids will do just fine if he moves to a government job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vaccination is not recommended for everyone older than age 26 years. However, some men age 27 through 45 years who are not already vaccinated may decide to get the HPV vaccine after speaking with their healthcare provider about their risk for new HPV infections and the possible benefits of vaccination. HPV vaccination in this age range provides less benefit. Most sexually active adults have already been exposed to HPV, although not necessarily all of the HPV types targeted by vaccination.

Most recent studies argue that hpv antibodies often don’t last that wrong, so even if you had it ten years ago and c,eared it, you might get it again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

Woman here. The huge factor here is that PP makes very good money. Divorced men making up to 150k or so reading this will not have the same experience. It is pretty rare to encounter a big law firm partner in his forties on dating apps.

Nope. I am the PP who said he does not make as much as the BigLaw partner. In fact I make about $160k. And what the BigLaw partner said is exactly my experience: zero problem finding dates, lots of women matching with me, including much younger ones. It's a lot of work managing all the conversations. I could easily have a date every night if I wanted to. Like him I prefer the single moms because they understand I'm not available when I have the kids.

[Anonymous]

For dating younger (I'm talking 40s with a mid-20s woman) unless it's a straight SD type situation (even if in practice and not in name) you do have to be attractive and keep in shape because she will want to show you off to her friends and you can't be a dud.

Once I realised I don't want to remarry until my daughter is older, I started dating a young grad student and it's worked great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 46 year old divorced woman and want to weigh in here. The dissolution of any long term marriage, regardless of how amicable the divorce is, is traumatic. I know you want to get out there and get back in the game but there will be time for that. As the men here have weighed in you won’t have any issues meeting women when you’re ready.

I’d strongly recommend that you take a bit of time for yourself to really settle and get comfortable with you. Most of us started dating way too soon and it’s always (ALWAYS) a disaster. Broken attracts broken. And you probably don’t FEEL broken but you are and will be for a little while. It’s normal. If you do decide to start dating early on you may have some lessons to learn.

Once you’re totally healthy you really will have your pick. If you want an new family go younger. If you’re just looking for a good companion as your children grow up try to find someone closer to your age. Many of us already have empty nests. With your income I’d suggest you look for professional women unless you want to risk the sugar daddy role.

Either way I think you’ll do just fine. Men your age tend to have a better pool to pick from than women for some reason. Good luck!

Eh, I actually don’t think that is true about men his age having a better pool to pick from. I am a childless forty three year old woman who doesn’t want kids but wouldn’t mind having stepkids. and I actually found my dating life got way way better once I turned forty. All of a sudden all these divorced men in their mid forties started asking me out.

The key is that you’re childless — which becomes increasingly rare the older you get. Nobody wants to deal with other people’s baggage which is why you’re more in demand after 40. However PP was comparing the prospects of single parents. It’s way easier for a divorced with 2 kids than a divorced mom to meet and date.