Is it rude to speak a second language with children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my friends talk to their kids in their language all the time. Its usually when they're scolding their kids or making demands. I wish I could talk to my kid in a language nobody else understood for saying things like "get your finger out of your nose!" Or "did you just take a bite of that potato chip and put it back in the bowl?!"Or whatever.

Haha! That's exactly the kind of talk I am having with my kids when I speak in our language. "Stop whining and share or we are going home right this minute" etc. etc.

This is my experience too, in a neighborhood where we've got at least four non-English languages spoken by parents. It never occurred to me that it could be rude. I don't need to know what a parent is saying to their kid and 95%, I'm pretty sure it's scolding only in Russian or Spanish instead of English and who cares? My vote is strongly for not rude, I encounter this basically every time I'm at the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think it’s rude
We’ve several friends from Europe who do this and we spend less time with them as a result
It’s not just rude because we can’t understand yet it’s often clear that they’re talking about us
But it’s also annoying to have to listen to foreign accents

I can see why they might want to have a running commentary about you in a different language.

Yes
The comment about foreign accents being annoying is interesting. I love dialects and wish I had more time to dwell on these.

I Do remember being horrified when my mom would walk up to me in front of my friends and talk in our native language. She didn't understand that I really didn't like it.
Most of the time when people talk in their own language it is useless mundane things. You really have to be a pain for people to feel the need to say something about you in your presence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think it’s rude
We’ve several friends from Europe who do this and we spend less time with them as a result
It’s not just rude because we can’t understand yet it’s often clear that they’re talking about us
But it’s also annoying to have to listen to foreign accents

I can see why they might want to have a running commentary about you in a different language.

Yes
The comment about foreign accents being annoying is interesting. I love dialects and wish I had more time to dwell on these.

I Do remember being horrified when my mom would walk up to me in front of my friends and talk in our native language. She didn't understand that I really didn't like it.
Most of the time when people talk in their own language it is useless mundane things. You really have to be a pain for people to feel the need to say something about you in your presence

Yes!
That is why I thanked her. She let OP see the kind of people who have a problem with it. They are not friends. Hopefully she can find nice friends instead.

[Anonymous]

I encourage it with DH and DD. When his parents call or FaceTime with DD, I like when they only speak to her in their language. She can understand 100% and is starting to answer back (she’s 3.5).

I find it rude when they are visiting and they speak. I get that they slip, but they have been here 30 years and speak English perfectly. FWIW, I’m learning, and have learned quite a bit but don’t have the time to dedicate to learning a new language, and my brain isn’t a language sponge like some people’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I encourage it with DH and DD. When his parents call or FaceTime with DD, I like when they only speak to her in their language. She can understand 100% and is starting to answer back (she’s 3.5).

I find it rude when they are visiting and they speak. I get that they slip, but they have been here 30 years and speak English perfectly. FWIW, I’m learning, and have learned quite a bit but don’t have the time to dedicate to learning a new language, and my brain isn’t a language sponge like some people’s.

PP, the two halves of your post seem to be at odds with each other. If you like it when the grandparents speak in their native language with your child over FaceTime or on the phone, why do you then find it rude for them to do so in person? Or did you mean you find it rude that DH (not DD) and his parents speak in that language in person? It's confusing. It might help if you clarify, because it appears as if you -- I'm not sure, you think that they ought to speak English only when there in person?

Can you see why the two paragraphs of your post seem to contradict each other?

Speaking the language in front of and with your DD in person is even better for her than speaking it to her via phone or FaceTime. If you want your DD to learn this language (and/or DH wants her to learn it), why would you then find it "rude" for the grandparents to use it in person? Even if they're not speaking TO your DD, it's good for her to hear it spoken when they're around. Do you worry that they're talking about you and trying to hide it?

Having a second language, ANY language, actually is good for the brain. It develops and exercises the brain, even if the language is one that might not be considered widely useful for jobs later or whatever. And it creates bonds between the child and the parent/grandparents. Are you feeling left out of that bonding when the grandparents are there in person?

I'm truly NOT criticizing you personally, I'm just wondering why Facetime and phone are OK yet in person is not, and wondering if you can see the contradiction. You seem upset or angry that the in-laws don't use their perfect English. Maybe you feel left out because you realize you don't have a brain that's a "language sponge" and you feel left out when they communicate with your DD in ways you can't? Again -- not being snarky or critical, but wondering if you yourself see the conflict in what you posted.

[Anonymous]

Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

[Anonymous]

I love hearing other languages! Keep it up! Wish I could speak some.

[Anonymous]

People doing this in public drives me nuts. Partially because I've encountered so many people speaking another language in public to talk about people they are around or right next to. They automatically assume that you can't speak their language and start talking about you.
I also find it rude. A coworker I used to sit next to invited me to lunch with a few other female coworkers from another floor. They all spoke their native language at one point during lunch. They knew that I didn't know their language. My coworker thought nothing of speaking her native language throughout lunch, keeping me out of the conversation. There have been plenty of other instances like this. Whether its at the hair or nail salon, dentist office, grocery store, restaurant, or wherever. Its rude.
I'm all for people teaching their kids their native language or expanding kids' culture. My kids learn about DH's culture and language at home.

[Anonymous]

Not rude at all. Anyone who finds it rude is an uneducated xenophobe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People doing this in public drives me nuts. Partially because I've encountered so many people speaking another language in public to talk about people they are around or right next to. They automatically assume that you can't speak their language and start talking about you.
I also find it rude. A coworker I used to sit next to invited me to lunch with a few other female coworkers from another floor. They all spoke their native language at one point during lunch. They knew that I didn't know their language. My coworker thought nothing of speaking her native language throughout lunch, keeping me out of the conversation. There have been plenty of other instances like this. Whether its at the hair or nail salon, dentist office, grocery store, restaurant, or wherever. Its rude.
I'm all for people teaching their kids their native language or expanding kids' culture. My kids learn about DH's culture and language at home.

so basically people are not allowed to speak their native language around you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

I'm completely baffled by this thread. So, let say, I'm at a playground with my child and we speak our non-English native language to each other, while doing our own thing, not as part of a group. And another mom at that playground with her child finds it OFFENSIVE that she cannot understand our conversation that doesn't include her? Why?! If the kids would be playing together and I would be addressing the group or if I was talking to the mom or other child, I would switch to English, of course.

As for foreign accents being annoying... no comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

“culture” in quotation marks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

“culture” in quotation marks?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

I'm completely baffled by this thread. So, let say, I'm at a playground with my child and we speak our non-English native language to each other, while doing our own thing, not as part of a group. And another mom at that playground with her child finds it OFFENSIVE that she cannot understand our conversation that doesn't include her? Why?! If the kids would be playing together and I would be addressing the group or if I was talking to the mom or other child, I would switch to English, of course.

As for foreign accents being annoying... no comment.

PP you quoted here.

I'm not thinking of cases where you are in public doing your own thing. I'm thinking of:

I invite you and your child over for dinner. While we are sitting together you ask your child "Did you wash your hands for dinner?" in your language, and then your child responds in your language. Then you respond to your child (again in your language) and a back and forth conversation occurs. That is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I encourage it with DH and DD. When his parents call or FaceTime with DD, I like when they only speak to her in their language. She can understand 100% and is starting to answer back (she’s 3.5).

I find it rude when they are visiting and they speak. I get that they slip, but they have been here 30 years and speak English perfectly. FWIW, I’m learning, and have learned quite a bit but don’t have the time to dedicate to learning a new language, and my brain isn’t a language sponge like some people’s.

PP, the two halves of your post seem to be at odds with each other. If you like it when the grandparents speak in their native language with your child over FaceTime or on the phone, why do you then find it rude for them to do so in person? Or did you mean you find it rude that DH (not DD) and his parents speak in that language in person? It's confusing. It might help if you clarify, because it appears as if you -- I'm not sure, you think that they ought to speak English only when there in person?

Can you see why the two paragraphs of your post seem to contradict each other?

Speaking the language in front of and with your DD in person is even better for her than speaking it to her via phone or FaceTime. If you want your DD to learn this language (and/or DH wants her to learn it), why would you then find it "rude" for the grandparents to use it in person? Even if they're not speaking TO your DD, it's good for her to hear it spoken when they're around. Do you worry that they're talking about you and trying to hide it?

Having a second language, ANY language, actually is good for the brain. It develops and exercises the brain, even if the language is one that might not be considered widely useful for jobs later or whatever. And it creates bonds between the child and the parent/grandparents. Are you feeling left out of that bonding when the grandparents are there in person?

I'm truly NOT criticizing you personally, I'm just wondering why Facetime and phone are OK yet in person is not, and wondering if you can see the contradiction. You seem upset or angry that the in-laws don't use their perfect English. Maybe you feel left out because you realize you don't have a brain that's a "language sponge" and you feel left out when they communicate with your DD in ways you can't? Again -- not being snarky or critical, but wondering if you yourself see the conflict in what you posted.

I don’t find it rude in person. I find it rude when I am sitting there, participating in the conversation, and the whole group switches to it.

If they’re playing with DD, and I come into the room for a second to grab something, there is no need to switch to English. If she’s in the room with me, and want to ask her simple questions on their way by, no problem. I’m learning too, so those things help me.

If it’s a grown up conversation and I’m excluded for lengthy periods of time, which often happens, I feel cranky.