Is it rude to speak a second language with children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, it would be more polite to switch to English when you are over at someone’s house or when you’re out with friends who do not speak your native language. But in this case, you need to decide if it’s more important to be 100% polite or to teach and reinforce your native language.

In case of your husband, let it be mutual decision, if your husband is ok with you speaking always with your kids in your native language, then that’s fine. If he prefers, you can switch to English when he’s around.

Her kids are little and it will take less time to get the kids on board with speaking the language to her if she goes all in at first. If she switches to english when around other people, it will take much longer, if they go back to speaking it at all. This is the critical time, but it won't always be like this.

I agree with your point. But OP’s question was if it is rude, and yes it is, if she wants to be perfectly polite, then she’d speak a language that could be understood by her companions. My point is, she needs to decide what’s more important for her: Her kids speaking her native language, or being perfectly polite to those around her. The two are going to be perceived by some as mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Right or wrong; common or uncommon; right or wrong - according to etiquette it’s rude to speak a second language (or whisper) in the company of people who don’t understand the language.

It’s not hard to switch to English. My kids learned both easily and knew when to speak French and when to speak English.

But Op's kid is REFUSING speaking her language to her. Her only option is to change her behavior and parenting, if she wants different results. It sounds like she tried it your way and it is failing. Good for you that it worked for YOUR kids, but it isn't working for OP's.

Sometimes this doesn't work. Sometimes the child chooses what language they want to speak in exclusively. I was a nanny for years for a Russian family, their daughter refused to speak to them in Russian.

From my perspective, as a parent who dealt with this - she called their bluff and they let it go. It is a lot of work, and they chose to let the language go for whatever reasons. We all have to make parenting decisions and I would not judge their choices, but this was their choice to not push the issue, to not hire a Russian nanny, to not go and stay with Russian speaking grandparents, whatever. Perhaps they were dealing with other things and did not have the bandwidth to fight this battle.

You kind of are judhing their choicees. She was 3 at the time. I've lost touch with the family, so maybe she's interested in her parent's language now, but for that time she refused. Her brother kept speaking in Russian.

I said this not say that OP shouldn't try with her children, but children aren't robots. They dodn't always do what we wish.

No, I am not judging at all. I have a dear friend who had to let a language go for her children because one is not neurotypical. It is not an issue for most kids but for her child, it was. And they had a lot to deal with as a family because of it. Likewise some parents are immigrants dealing with huge amounts of stress and it is one more battle that is too much. 3 is still so young. Trying to only speak the majority language Is a normal stage. I think it is a survival instinct and for some kids it is a stronger instinct than for others.

[Anonymous]

At my kids’ public school kids always spoke to each other in groups in their native languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

I'm completely baffled by this thread. So, let say, I'm at a playground with my child and we speak our non-English native language to each other, while doing our own thing, not as part of a group. And another mom at that playground with her child finds it OFFENSIVE that she cannot understand our conversation that doesn't include her? Why?! If the kids would be playing together and I would be addressing the group or if I was talking to the mom or other child, I would switch to English, of course.

As for foreign accents being annoying... no comment.

PP you quoted here.

I'm not thinking of cases where you are in public doing your own thing. I'm thinking of:

I invite you and your child over for dinner. While we are sitting together you ask your child "Did you wash your hands for dinner?" in your language, and then your child responds in your language. Then you respond to your child (again in your language) and a back and forth conversation occurs. That is rude.

White American here. It’s truly tragic you can’t see how badly you’re embarrassing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, it would be more polite to switch to English when you are over at someone’s house or when you’re out with friends who do not speak your native language. But in this case, you need to decide if it’s more important to be 100% polite or to teach and reinforce your native language.

In case of your husband, let it be mutual decision, if your husband is ok with you speaking always with your kids in your native language, then that’s fine. If he prefers, you can switch to English when he’s around.

Her kids are little and it will take less time to get the kids on board with speaking the language to her if she goes all in at first. If she switches to english when around other people, it will take much longer, if they go back to speaking it at all. This is the critical time, but it won't always be like this.

I agree with your point. But OP’s question was if it is rude, and yes it is, if she wants to be perfectly polite, then she’d speak a language that could be understood by her companions. My point is, she needs to decide what’s more important for her: Her kids speaking her native language, or being perfectly polite to those around her. The two are going to be perceived by some as mutually exclusive.

People who are likely to be offended by this are also the type likely to ask me if my mixed kids are “mine” and speak to my immigrant husband loudly and slowly, so if it keeps them from trying to interact with our family, I’m pretty happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DH not speak your language?! He needs to step up.

+1.

My husband speaks Hebrew to our children; I speak English to them. My Hebrew isn't great, but it's important to us that our children grow up in a bi-lingual home, so I'm learning Hebrew right along with them.

I'm a pp who has 2 sisters in law that English is not their primary language.

In the case of the one who would only speak her native language with child (and his now divorced from my brother)--he did try to learn her language. It is a language considered one of the more difficult ones to learn (for English speakers) and has a completely different writing system (Asian language.)
It doesn't matter now. A judge in family court decided that even if she wants to speak to her children exclusively in her language, they aren't with her more than 50% of the time.

I can’t with this. Did your idiot brother not understand that before he married her? Did she suddenly spring it on him after the wedding that her language has a different writing system? Did he think he was getting a submissive Asian servant-wife who would take crap from his awful siblings and never try to be all annoyingly “ethnic” around your white family? GTFOH. Your nieces/nephews are going to turn 18 and never speak to you and the rest of your terrible family again.

[Anonymous]

I don't know where you guys live, but hearing various languages from OPOL families in our DC neighborhood is pretty common. I don't think anyone thinks twice about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where you guys live, but hearing various languages from OPOL families in our DC neighborhood is pretty common. I don't think anyone thinks twice about it.

Oh, and this consists of: Spanish, Italian, German, Finnish, French, Russian, Amharic, just to name a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when you are in the presence of English speakers? I speak my native language with my children when we are alone, but I find it awkward and impolite to speak it in the presence of my DH, friends, playground, etc. because we all also speak English. However, this has become a problem in raising bilingual children because they always respond in English to me. Would you find it rude if someone spoke a different language around you though everyone present speaks English?

It is not rude, it is the only way your kids will learn your language, and it’s totally common in most other places around the world from Europe to India to Africa and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're going to do what you want to do.
Yes, if you will offend some people. if passing on your "culture" is more important to you than not offending people, that's your prerogative. But don't pretend like other people are "wrong" for being offended.

Yep, passing my culture is more important than you clutching your pearls. You’ll survive, Karen.

[Anonymous]

You’re welcome and encouraged to speak a second or third language with your child.