Is it rude to speak a second language with children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Right or wrong; common or uncommon; right or wrong - according to etiquette it’s rude to speak a second language (or whisper) in the company of people who don’t understand the language.

It’s not hard to switch to English. My kids learned both easily and knew when to speak French and when to speak English.

I am sure you know this already intuitively, but french is a high social value language all over the world. It is probably the only one equal or higher than english in the US. Your success is great but op is not in this situation. She is not in the situation of the german speaker who had other adults (au pairs) speaking german in her home either.

It sounds like she is her child's only source of the language and she feels uncomfortable. This is the set up that many people have where they end up with kids who can only understand but not speak a parent's language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've spoken in other languages with friends, family, and children in various countries and the question of whether it's "rude" never entered my mind. I will communicate in whatever way I choose to communicate. If I need to talk to you, I will speak your language. Until I talk to you, the language I'm speaking is none of your business.

Generally these sorts of people come across as entitled and extremely rude.

only to xenophobic people who don't like "foreigners" anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Right or wrong; common or uncommon; right or wrong - according to etiquette it’s rude to speak a second language (or whisper) in the company of people who don’t understand the language.

It’s not hard to switch to English. My kids learned both easily and knew when to speak French and when to speak English.

But Op's kid is REFUSING speaking her language to her. Her only option is to change her behavior and parenting, if she wants different results. It sounds like she tried it your way and it is failing. Good for you that it worked for YOUR kids, but it isn't working for OP's.

[Anonymous]

OP, I personally would not find this rude. I can understand other's frustration, however. Here's how I'd split the difference:

If you are a guest or a host, just speak English. I think this is polite so as not to make your host or your guests feel excluded. I think this is especially important because socializing with kids is already usually a really disjointed social experience (kids constantly interrupting, or parents getting distracted by their kids, makes conversation challenging enough already). This will also teach your children that they should speak English in this type of social situation, where speaking a language their friends don't could be seen as exclusionary or rude.

If you are just meeting up with other families or just happen to be around them, say at the playground or when walking around the neighborhood, speak to your kids in your native language. This is really different than being a guest in someone's home or having people in yours. I wouldn't think twice about one of my mom friends speaking to their kids in a language I don't understand at the playground, or during preschool pick-up, or whatever.

At home, talk to your DH about wanting to ensure your kids get enough exposure to your native language without making him feel excluded. Maybe create rules like "English only during meals." But then the rest of the time I think it makes sense for you to speak your native language to them, especially any time you are with them one-on-one. I would also suggest that your husband learns a collection of words and phrases in your language so that he can use these in your home and help reinforce the language skills. It might also help him get an ear for your native language and perhaps start picking up on it a bit. I have friends where the husband grew up a Spanish speaker and the wife had no Spanish when they married, but she has gained a reasonable amount Spanish since they had kids because her husband speaks to their kids in Spanish a lot and they use it as well.

[Anonymous]

You must be a mom asking this. My dh speaks exclusively in his language to my 6 yr old, no matter who is around. He is definitely not wringing his hand wondering if he’s being rude. Never occurred to me either that it would be rude.

When speaking to both of us he uses English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be a mom asking this. My dh speaks exclusively in his language to my 6 yr old, no matter who is around. He is definitely not wringing his hand wondering if he’s being rude. Never occurred to me either that it would be rude.

When speaking to both of us he uses English.

OP here - this made me laugh! Thanks for the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

How else will the child learn to speak the second language? My DH speaks German and I don’t. I am happy for him to speak it to our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

No, it’s not. Hopefully he’s on board and encourages it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

How else will the child learn to speak the second language? My DH speaks German and I don’t. I am happy for him to speak it to our kid.

Are you always there with them? They never spend one on one time?
My nieces are fluent in their mother’s native language, even though she has never been rude and spoken in front of other people who can’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

How else will the child learn to speak the second language? My DH speaks German and I don’t. I am happy for him to speak it to our kid.

Are you always there with them? They never spend one on one time?
My nieces are fluent in their mother’s native language, even though she has never been rude and spoken in front of other people who can’t understand.

ops kids are refusing to speak her language. Your response is up there with people getting on a thread by a mom whose kid is struggling with reading and telling how your nieces just picked up reading with no problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when you are in the presence of English speakers? I speak my native language with my children when we are alone, but I find it awkward and impolite to speak it in the presence of my DH, friends, playground, etc. because we all also speak English. However, this has become a problem in raising bilingual children because they always respond in English to me. Would you find it rude if someone spoke a different language around you though everyone present speaks English?

I worked for a Danish family growing up. They spoke English in front of anybody who didn't understand Danish. They (parents) considered it rude to speak Danish around anyone who didn't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

How else will the child learn to speak the second language? My DH speaks German and I don’t. I am happy for him to speak it to our kid.

Are you always there with them? They never spend one on one time?
My nieces are fluent in their mother’s native language, even though she has never been rude and spoken in front of other people who can’t understand.

ops kids are refusing to speak her language. Your response is up there with people getting on a thread by a mom whose kid is struggling with reading and telling how your nieces just picked up reading with no problems.

Where did OP say that her kids were refusing?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to speak the other language -enough- to benefit your children. I think this is most important. I think you apologize to anyone else present, and explain why you will be speaking in the other language. People will be understanding -enough-

I worked in an English speaking office where I was the only one who didn't speak a common second language. The office often functioned in the second language. I did think it was rude that the other language was spoken in front of me and I was left out. It was especially rude when it was a joke, obviously something funny was said, everyone was laughing. I wouldn't know what was said (no reason really to ever assume it had anything to do with me) So, I say all that because you raise a good question re:language and manners BUT I still think your need to reinforce the second language with your children is the most important issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp above that simply said "yes"

BUT

then I noticed you said in front of your Dh...
So your DH can not understand your native language and you will speak to your child in front of him, knowing he can't understand?
That is truly horrible.

How else will the child learn to speak the second language? My DH speaks German and I don’t. I am happy for him to speak it to our kid.

Are you always there with them? They never spend one on one time?
My nieces are fluent in their mother’s native language, even though she has never been rude and spoken in front of other people who can’t understand.

ops kids are refusing to speak her language. Your response is up there with people getting on a thread by a mom whose kid is struggling with reading and telling how your nieces just picked up reading with no problems.

Where did OP say that her kids were refusing?

In the OP! Her kids are only replying to her in english. If she could get them to reply in her language she wouldn't have made a thread about it.

[Anonymous]

You have to choose what you care more about - being perceived as rude by some people ( I would not be one of them!) or the degree to which your kids stay bilingual. If they're already replying to you in English, you may find that by the time they're older while they may understand the language quite well, they will not be able to speak it well and that's even before you think about reading and writing in it.