Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

[Anonymous]

Which law firm? I need a good divorce/family law attorney in VA.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just an update: my husband and I started communicating about our marriage. He eventually said he wouldn’t mind to divorce as he feels little like “we’ve grown apart”. I used reasoning and we for now agreed that he moves back upstairs but we would have own bedrooms for now. When pandemics is over, will try marriage therapy. I guess, at least some tiny steps towards a resolution. Our son took a very proactive approach and talked to dad a lot about coming back. I have a truly great son.
I am not the one who asked for an attorney and I am not in VA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

I am the PP you are responding to. You are still getting it wrong. She does not have to "fight for her fair share"--she will get her fair share according to the law (unless she agrees otherwise). The "fighting for your fair share" mentality makes the attorneys get a lot of that "fair share" instead of keeping it yourself. Fighting as a way of divorce makes you spend way more money. Agreeing mostly through collaborative divorce lawyers or mediation allows people to keep more of their money. The "fighting" as if you are not going to get what you deserve and wanting to make sure you get every last penny nickel and diming has attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.

Your attitude of accepting less than your fair share to keep the peace is exactly why women often get screwed in divorce settlements.

Congratulations. You avoided paying attorneys fees and you let your ex walk all over you and by your own admission got “less than you deserved.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just an update: my husband and I started communicating about our marriage. He eventually said he wouldn’t mind to divorce as he feels little like “we’ve grown apart”. I used reasoning and we for now agreed that he moves back upstairs but we would have own bedrooms for now. When pandemics is over, will try marriage therapy. I guess, at least some tiny steps towards a resolution. Our son took a very proactive approach and talked to dad a lot about coming back. I have a truly great son.

So he's acting as if he doesn't need to make those early morning phone calls anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just an update: my husband and I started communicating about our marriage. He eventually said he wouldn’t mind to divorce as he feels little like “we’ve grown apart”. I used reasoning and we for now agreed that he moves back upstairs but we would have own bedrooms for now. When pandemics is over, will try marriage therapy. I guess, at least some tiny steps towards a resolution. Our son took a very proactive approach and talked to dad a lot about coming back. I have a truly great son.

So he's acting as if he doesn't need to make those early morning phone calls anymore?

He didn’t make any early morning calls last week. Maybe he was going crazy because she dumped him or he couldn’t see her during pandemics? No travel for work since February...
I got a voice activated recorder and will know for sure in upcoming weeks if he was seeing anyone. Right now he says there is no rush for him and he behaves like he wants to work on marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

I am the PP you are responding to. You are still getting it wrong. She does not have to "fight for her fair share"--she will get her fair share according to the law (unless she agrees otherwise). The "fighting for your fair share" mentality makes the attorneys get a lot of that "fair share" instead of keeping it yourself. Fighting as a way of divorce makes you spend way more money. Agreeing mostly through collaborative divorce lawyers or mediation allows people to keep more of their money. The "fighting" as if you are not going to get what you deserve and wanting to make sure you get every last penny nickel and diming has attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.

Your attitude of accepting less than your fair share to keep the peace is exactly why women often get screwed in divorce settlements.

Congratulations. You avoided paying attorneys fees and you let your ex walk all over you and by your own admission got “less than you deserved.”

It is worth it. I have to deal with him for the next 13 years. We have kids. 15% less is not going to kill anyone. I also did not want to wait years more. It's just money. I also have my own retirement. Try divorcing an attorney...I was not going to win and I was going to blow through what I would have gotten fighting. Sometimes, it is not worth the fight..too risky and I would have likely ended up with less than what I got. Even my attorney agreed with me when it was done. Fighting would have been worse for me financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

I am the PP you are responding to. You are still getting it wrong. She does not have to "fight for her fair share"--she will get her fair share according to the law (unless she agrees otherwise). The "fighting for your fair share" mentality makes the attorneys get a lot of that "fair share" instead of keeping it yourself. Fighting as a way of divorce makes you spend way more money. Agreeing mostly through collaborative divorce lawyers or mediation allows people to keep more of their money. The "fighting" as if you are not going to get what you deserve and wanting to make sure you get every last penny nickel and diming has attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.

Your attitude of accepting less than your fair share to keep the peace is exactly why women often get screwed in divorce settlements.

Congratulations. You avoided paying attorneys fees and you let your ex walk all over you and by your own admission got “less than you deserved.”

It is worth it. I have to deal with him for the next 13 years. We have kids. 15% less is not going to kill anyone. I also did not want to wait years more. It's just money. I also have my own retirement. Try divorcing an attorney...I was not going to win and I was going to blow through what I would have gotten fighting. Sometimes, it is not worth the fight..too risky and I would have likely ended up with less than what I got. Even my attorney agreed with me when it was done. Fighting would have been worse for me financially.

OP here. My problem is the opposite: we've been together for 17 years, and I cannot imagine spending the next 13 years without my husband. I've been living with him the longest part of my life. I don't know if it's love or habit. But hearing his voice doing something around the house, scolding our son or me, or just napping on a couch, or telling today's news, or going for a hike. I can't stand him not being around. My problem is that he's out of a sudden is not on the same orbit as me... I decided to stretch it out for as long as I can, "working on marriage", even though I am nearly certain he met someone and it won't work. I have to come to peace with the fact that nothing is forever, even happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

I am the PP you are responding to. You are still getting it wrong. She does not have to "fight for her fair share"--she will get her fair share according to the law (unless she agrees otherwise). The "fighting for your fair share" mentality makes the attorneys get a lot of that "fair share" instead of keeping it yourself. Fighting as a way of divorce makes you spend way more money. Agreeing mostly through collaborative divorce lawyers or mediation allows people to keep more of their money. The "fighting" as if you are not going to get what you deserve and wanting to make sure you get every last penny nickel and diming has attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.

Your attitude of accepting less than your fair share to keep the peace is exactly why women often get screwed in divorce settlements.

Congratulations. You avoided paying attorneys fees and you let your ex walk all over you and by your own admission got “less than you deserved.”

It is worth it. I have to deal with him for the next 13 years. We have kids. 15% less is not going to kill anyone. I also did not want to wait years more. It's just money. I also have my own retirement. Try divorcing an attorney...I was not going to win and I was going to blow through what I would have gotten fighting. Sometimes, it is not worth the fight..too risky and I would have likely ended up with less than what I got. Even my attorney agreed with me when it was done. Fighting would have been worse for me financially.

OP here. My problem is the opposite: we've been together for 17 years, and I cannot imagine spending the next 13 years without my husband. I've been living with him the longest part of my life. I don't know if it's love or habit. But hearing his voice doing something around the house, scolding our son or me, or just napping on a couch, or telling today's news, or going for a hike. I can't stand him not being around. My problem is that he's out of a sudden is not on the same orbit as me... I decided to stretch it out for as long as I can, "working on marriage", even though I am nearly certain he met someone and it won't work. I have to come to peace with the fact that nothing is forever, even happy marriages.

I am the PP who immediately responded. I don't think you want a divorce. Don't divorce because you think you should because he is having an affair. Divorce if you do not want to be with him anymore. If he will not stop the affair, you have to decide if you want him or not. If you still want him, live with it and stay married. People should only leave marriages when they want out of the relationship (affair or not).

[Anonymous]

That’s tough. My husband ended an affair. He had put himself in therapy. I happened to discover it after the fact.

He is doing everything, everything and more. Zero contact with AP and never love- confirmed by therapists and me meeting her.

STILL- I can’t get over it. I can’t understand the compartmentalization. My mind does not work like that. My ethics and morals don’t permit that.

If he weren’t truly and actively committed—two support groups, 3 therapy sessions, post nup, vasectomy, and taking over everything in the home I used to do- grocery shopping, making meals, driving carpool- we both work full time— I don’t see how I could even have him around.

I still can’t look at him at times as it’s very new. But my mind forgets and the heart strings pull very hard. It was a good life with a very long history and happiness. I haven’t hugged, kissed or let him even share bedroom since. We had a very active sex life during the entire affair so lack of physical comfort at the lowest point is very tough. He would always be the one to comfort me and now I can’t go there until I see change for a significant amount of time.

It’s still tough. Betrayal by the one that is supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally—-awful.

[Anonymous]

Marriage therapy should not be used in the aftermath of an affair. The cheater needs heavy duty individual counseling prior to even entering into couples therapy. Most affairs have underlying factors that need to be fixed by the broken party—childhood trauma/generational issues, mental illness such as BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, sex addiction, etc.

Any marriage counselor under the age of 45 will be detrimental. They are of the polyamory, fluid sex and stepping outside ok mentality. The 3 therapists/psychs my spouse saw under that age of 45 never even addressed the affair as a problem. They wanted to sit and discuss and bill hours. All the while debating monogamy. Tread carefully. Marriage counselors like to throw blame at the betrayed party/victim when it is the cheater’s 100% responsibility for deceit and adultery.