Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

[Anonymous]

What “something” that I am supposed to do now, file first? I already got in touch with my university lawyer friend in Europe and asked to dig for some info on his trusts there. I am a lawyer myself by background although never practiced in the US.

The financial company he opened in Europe was near bankruptcy in 2018, risking loosing its license. I found documents how it was salvaged by injecting extra capital from the management board in exchange for shares. He invested almost 1mln; the attractive lady on his board 200KICK. They plan to sell it in 2023.
From what I gather, she was hired to lead the practice and didn’t bring much business in 6 years, spending initial shareholders (large European banks) capital on salaries and bonuses. Nevertheless she got 10% stake in the company in management buyout. Anyone familiar with these small “closed to close friends” funds knows that 10% shares don’t fall from the sky to somebody who did nothing for the company. I think if she is his mistress, it was a very bad management decision to put her on board.

I was unpleasantly surprised that I knew nothing about my DH getting somewhere in the area of $1mm to spend. He plans to invest 2 more mln in 2 years. Where is he getting and hiding all this money? I am the owner of our US accounts and properties and 100% certain he’s not taking loans against them.

This is going to be a very difficult and expensive divorce. I need to protect our son, his inheritance, my assets etc.

At the moment I am trying to keep it civilized, hoping to get him back playing along, but I am quietly saving for lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what went wrong, OP, but it's not something you can fix. It seems to be on his end. It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can keep playing along like you are now, taking whatever sops of affection or normal life he gives you, and try to be content with what sounds like a materially fulfilled life. Or you can refuse to play tennis or whatever it is he wants you to do unless you yourself also want to do it. You're not his doll to order around. Or, you can tell him you want to talk about what's going on and be straightforward -- tell him you value honesty above all else, you suspect he is seeing someone and planning to divorce you, and you want to know if that's why he is living in the basement and doing the hot and cold routine.

Any of these are reasonable. It depends what you want. If you don't want to divorce him, if you don't really want honesty if it turns out the answers are what you fear, if you are ok with playing tennis and cooking for him and doing his laundry even though he is only half in the relationship, it's ok to stay. But then you need to find a way to be happy with that.

All my attempts to discuss our relationship end with his silence. He just says “I am not ready to come back” or “it’s not a good time to discuss” or just pretends there is no problem at all and leaves the room. He leaves me no chance even to discuss the relationship but at the same time fulfills his duties to
the family by continuing being supportive of our son, active in joint business, visiting friends together, going out together etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who does his call EVERY morning? There’s your answer.

6 hours' different time in Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

[Anonymous]

If you are telling the truth, you've put so much of your personal information in this thread. You better be sure he isn't tracking your computer usage or reading this thread. You need to stop posting and watch your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

At the moment her stake in the company is not worth that much, but if the company is sold she will get around $2mln. He doesn’t need to marry her and divorce me for her to get the money. He already provided for her in a different way.

She’s Eastern European, not from this area. $2mln is huge sum in her country.

But if he divorces me here by US laws, he stands to loose more now. He said he didn’t love me anymore when we argued, but didn’t plan to divorce.

Can I just hope that the lady would get her money in 3-5 years and leave him alone? He will be nearing 60 yo, and doesn’t want more kids in general.
I would say, he’s pretty content in his US house, land, park, US friends and even family life. Except we have no sex and he lives in the basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are telling the truth, you've put so much of your personal information in this thread. You better be sure he isn't tracking your computer usage or reading this thread. You need to stop posting and watch your back.

I am using privacy mode when I use my laptop. He or his colleagues won’t be reading it, or any of his friends

[Anonymous]

And I am just reading all other threads on this forum and don’t want to ever get married again! Look, I am slim, tall, walked runway in my teens to make extra income, 2 masters degrees, developed a business with my husband, built a life. I am jogging twice every day, and all my American girlfriends think I am so successful and happy. I don’t even know how to tell everyone my husband of 15 years (and we are together 17 years) backstabbed me, hides a mistress and assets abroad from me.

I just want to live my life free and for myself if and ever I am able to walk out this marriage wealthy.

[Anonymous]

This is a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am just reading all other threads on this forum and don’t want to ever get married again! Look, I am slim, tall, walked runway in my teens to make extra income, 2 masters degrees, developed a business with my husband, built a life. I am jogging twice every day, and all my American girlfriends think I am so successful and happy. I don’t even know how to tell everyone my husband of 15 years (and we are together 17 years) backstabbed me, hides a mistress and assets abroad from me.

I just want to live my life free and for myself if and ever I am able to walk out this marriage wealthy.

OP. It’s quite clear that your DH is involved with someone else. There is nothing wrong with you or your American life. Unfortunately, when a spouse has an affair, the cheater spouse will often tell themselves bad things about the victim spouse in order to self-justify the cheating. This is what your DH is doing when he is critical of you.

I know you wish you can make him come back to the marriage, but you can’t. And I don’t only mean you can’t make him come back to YOU, but you can’t make HIM come back. The person that you thought he was, that you thought you were in a relationship with is gone. That person doesn’t exist.

You have only bad choices and the best you can hope is to pick the least bad choice that lets you move on and create a healthy life for yourself and your son.

Speaking of your son - you seem to think this isn’t affecting him since you and your dH are enacting “normal” life with him. But certainly your son knows there is tension in the family. Certainly he knows DH is unreasonably critical of you. And he knows moving into the basement is not normal. Think about what you are modeling for him in terms of relationships - would you want him to grow up thinking that it is OK to treat another human the way your husband treats you? Or that it is OK to accept being treated like that?

Also get some financial advice about college. Marriage and divorce have a big impact on college financial aid. And, if the European businesses goes badly you could be on the hook for money that you would not be if you were divorced. Your divorce attorney should advise on establishing funds in the divorce for college for your son. Surely your husband would not begrudge your son that given how much money you guys have?

I hope you have an individual counselor - you have a lot of personal issues to work thru in terms of how this situation affects you and your son and what is a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I am just reading all other threads on this forum and don’t want to ever get married again! Look, I am slim, tall, walked runway in my teens to make extra income, 2 masters degrees, developed a business with my husband, built a life. I am jogging twice every day, and all my American girlfriends think I am so successful and happy. I don’t even know how to tell everyone my husband of 15 years (and we are together 17 years) backstabbed me, hides a mistress and assets abroad from me.

I just want to live my life free and for myself if and ever I am able to walk out this marriage wealthy.

OP. It’s quite clear that your DH is involved with someone else. There is nothing wrong with you or your American life. Unfortunately, when a spouse has an affair, the cheater spouse will often tell themselves bad things about the victim spouse in order to self-justify the cheating. This is what your DH is doing when he is critical of you.

I know you wish you can make him come back to the marriage, but you can’t. And I don’t only mean you can’t make him come back to YOU, but you can’t make HIM come back. The person that you thought he was, that you thought you were in a relationship with is gone. That person doesn’t exist.

You have only bad choices and the best you can hope is to pick the least bad choice that lets you move on and create a healthy life for yourself and your son.

Speaking of your son - you seem to think this isn’t affecting him since you and your dH are enacting “normal” life with him. But certainly your son knows there is tension in the family. Certainly he knows DH is unreasonably critical of you. And he knows moving into the basement is not normal. Think about what you are modeling for him in terms of relationships - would you want him to grow up thinking that it is OK to treat another human the way your husband treats you? Or that it is OK to accept being treated like that?

Also get some financial advice about college. Marriage and divorce have a big impact on college financial aid. And, if the European businesses goes badly you could be on the hook for money that you would not be if you were divorced. Your divorce attorney should advise on establishing funds in the divorce for college for your son. Surely your husband would not begrudge your son that given how much money you guys have?

I hope you have an individual counselor - you have a lot of personal issues to work thru in terms of how this situation affects you and your son and what is a healthy relationship.

Yes, I understand all this. I am just trying to get in peace with realization of I now is de-facto single and the stranger living in our marital home. Our son’s college and private school education are my two prime concerns. Too many of his former classmates got moved to public schools as soon as parents divorced. The timing of my husband initiating all this is really bad- just as our only son enters high school! Did I mention that none of us can have kids naturally and we did long IFV treatment to have our son, when we lived back in Europe? My son is all I have. I do understand it’s not a normal situation. I am seeing a psychologist, my son refuses. Luckily he has many things educationally and in sports going on for him, and mainly avoids contact with his dad when he’s home, unless it’s something obligatory like letting him check homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally and financially endeavor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

he has aspergers too, just like your son. He’s probably a total idiot outside of his office work. I’m surprised he asked about the yard, does he really care about that stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

he has aspergers too, just like your son. He’s probably a total idiot outside of his office work. I’m surprised he asked about the yard, does he really care about that stuff?

He is a very difficult person to leave with. He is really into designing his backyard, constantly improving it, it gives him sense of peace. He was married once before meeting me, his first wife was American. She left him after 5 years of marriage. He always complained how self-centered she was, not able to take care of the house, do her own laundry, only caring about her career, partying with girlfriends etc.
I am just the opposite - self-sacrificing, taking a good care of him, yet he sold me for his bright financial future with his mistress in Europe. His mistress will be his THIRD wife?? Isn't it crazy?