Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

[Anonymous]

Why are you revealing so much personal information. Your problems are luxurious compared to mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

I am the PP you are responding to. You are still getting it wrong. She does not have to "fight for her fair share"--she will get her fair share according to the law (unless she agrees otherwise). The "fighting for your fair share" mentality makes the attorneys get a lot of that "fair share" instead of keeping it yourself. Fighting as a way of divorce makes you spend way more money. Agreeing mostly through collaborative divorce lawyers or mediation allows people to keep more of their money. The "fighting" as if you are not going to get what you deserve and wanting to make sure you get every last penny nickel and diming has attorneys laughing all the way to the bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you revealing so much personal information. Your problems are luxurious compared to mine.

He’s not really that active in the US in business for anyone to guess the family from my posts. Maybe I just need to go through things in writing, getting others thoughts to make my plan.
What is your concern exactly ? Don’t worry about my privacy if I am not worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally and financially endeavor.

No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally y and financially endeavor.

No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years.

Thank you for practical advise. Attorney here also suggested "I don't go digging in Europe" as a negotiation point, but to have court distribute US assets in my favor. The thing is, while he was away 1/3 time on business, the loans were paid on US properties from business accounts here that are in my name, from income generated primarily by me and clientele base that I built as work from home mom. It's easy to prove for any accountant, and I can show contracts I've made etc. It seems to me that if the division here is 50/50, he will get half of our joint business here, and won't have his hidden business split in Europe. The potential sale cost of business in Europe is dozens of mln. Doesn't seem to be fair division if he's only on hook for college. I don't plan to remarry or even get a boyfriend. I am really sick of men. If US businesses remain under my control I can easily finance my son's education and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally y and financially endeavor.

No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years.

Thank you for practical advise. Attorney here also suggested "I don't go digging in Europe" as a negotiation point, but to have court distribute US assets in my favor. The thing is, while he was away 1/3 time on business, the loans were paid on US properties from business accounts here that are in my name, from income generated primarily by me and clientele base that I built as work from home mom. It's easy to prove for any accountant, and I can show contracts I've made etc. It seems to me that if the division here is 50/50, he will get half of our joint business here, and won't have his hidden business split in Europe. The potential sale cost of business in Europe is dozens of mln. Doesn't seem to be fair division if he's only on hook for college. I don't plan to remarry or even get a boyfriend. I am really sick of men. If US businesses remain under my control I can easily finance my son's education and more.

All of this can be negotiated through a collaborative divorce. Ask for more then (more time with alimony or whatever or all of the house or whatever) as a negotiating point to avoid going through European business holdings. Your attorney sounds smart. You are making this harder than it needs to be. You are in a much better position than most people in a divorce. I gave up my house. I put all the money down. I agreed to less than half of the equity back. When you get a divorce, you really have to look to the future and not how you did things in the past ...that already happened. He already built the companies. I already paid all the down payment on the house. That's over. Look forward. If you are done with the marriage, be done. Stop trying to recover losses that are already losses. It sounds like that attorney is smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally and financially endeavor.

No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years.

How can I ensure he pays for all education, if I am not even certain my soon to be ex is going to stay in the US after divorce? I cannot run after him tracking accounts in off-shore countries to collect for college. In that sense it's better for me to go after everything in the US. If I request to create an educational fund prior to divorce, he would also oppose it as it would reveal him moving money to the fund from abroad and his foreign trusts. I don't trust him anymore, what is he abandons his son irresponsibly for luxury life of a fund manager in Europe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming, teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious.
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally and financially endeavor.

No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years.

How can I ensure he pays for all education, if I am not even certain my soon to be ex is going to stay in the US after divorce? I cannot run after him tracking accounts in off-shore countries to collect for college. In that sense it's better for me to go after everything in the US. If I request to create an educational fund prior to divorce, he would also oppose it as it would reveal him moving money to the fund from abroad and his foreign trusts. I don't trust him anymore, what is he abandons his son irresponsibly for luxury life of a fund manager in Europe?

Again, your attorneys can go back and forth in a collaborative divorce until you agree on terms. You have to agree to get in done via paperwork. Let the attorneys deal with it until terms are fair. Then it is in writing in the divorce decree. If attorneys can’t work it out, go to court. But that is the most costly and traumatic way. You can’t control what he does after a divorce...I would not care. It’s on him. Your job is to be a mother...his decisions as a father are not yours to make.

[Anonymous]

One possibility is that he is quietly and actively transferring assets and preparing for divorce. You should do the same. Use this time to consult with attorneys, transfer anything you can, line your nest.

And by the way, you say you don't trust him now and express concern you couldn't enforce an order that he pay for the kids' education. That does not sound like someone you should salvage a marriage with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One possibility is that he is quietly and actively transferring assets and preparing for divorce. You should do the same. Use this time to consult with attorneys, transfer anything you can, line your nest.

And by the way, you say you don't trust him now and express concern you couldn't enforce an order that he pay for the kids' education. That does not sound like someone you should salvage a marriage with.

I would not hide assets...bad advice. Even if he is hiding stuff. I would not give more time to hide anything. I'd just start the process.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of collaborative divorce. But what if he drafts his project of division of assets, and, if I don't like it, just tells "want more -go to court"? Collaborative divorce implies he would agree to it, right? How did you make your ext husband agree to it?


It's not possible to transfer US assets. It's real estate on both our names. His salary comes to join account, we spend money from that account on everyday expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You speak a lot about money. Do you really think that your husband will refuse to pay half of private school tuition and college tuition? It sounds like you and your husband have enough to pay 35-40k a year for the next 8 years.

I don’t know what he would do. He has a rich friend who was a director of a large bank and chose not to finance his sons’ college education after taking a second, much younger wife. They took full custody of the boys and she always brags how well she brought them up. But our of 3, only one made a professional career, second son was in a prison, a third one became a handyman. My son had classmates with pretty well-off parents who all got moved to public schools after divorce so I guess it’s not that simple to provide for education in divorce documents.
I won’t be able to foot the bill for 50% of my son’s tuition if the division of assets ends up totally unfair just because my husband has more money for lawyers. and I would have to build everything anew while being well after 40 yo.

It’s not me who started it or moved to the basement - “unloading” wives and kids prior to sale of a company is a very common practice among entrepreneurs from what I gathered from attorney I spoke to. It is a harsh reality of American life that I discovered 15 years after...

If you are both from the former USSR, then surely you know that most men who built fortunes in the new Russia have offloaded their wives #1 and moved on to new models and kids with them by now. It's not just an American thing. It's an "update" mentality - I have more money now, I deserve an update. It's rare to find a man in the Forbes Russia list who's still married to his college sweetheart. OK, maybe Mr Gazprom still is. Kudos for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the idea of collaborative divorce. But what if he drafts his project of division of assets, and, if I don't like it, just tells "want more -go to court"? Collaborative divorce implies he would agree to it, right? How did you make your ext husband agree to it?


It's not possible to transfer US assets. It's real estate on both our names. His salary comes to join account, we spend money from that account on everyday expenses.

If collaborative divorce does not work then yes, you go to court.

I did not do collaborative divorce. We technically did mediation. But it was not a true mediation. We just decided ourselves and told them to write it up. Attorneys reviewed docs before we signed. I agreed to less. It was cheaper than it would have been to fight him for exactly half. I likely would have gotten less that I got if we did traditional litigation. Mediation is cheaper than collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is for people who don't want to talk about terms...so their attorneys do it on their behalf. We could talk about terms and I was not willing to fight and when I realized I would lose more $ fighting. Attorneys in collaborative divorce (or the two of you in mediation) can agree to anything in the terms for the divorce decree and stay out of court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You speak a lot about money. Do you really think that your husband will refuse to pay half of private school tuition and college tuition? It sounds like you and your husband have enough to pay 35-40k a year for the next 8 years.

I don’t know what he would do. He has a rich friend who was a director of a large bank and chose not to finance his sons’ college education after taking a second, much younger wife. They took full custody of the boys and she always brags how well she brought them up. But our of 3, only one made a professional career, second son was in a prison, a third one became a handyman. My son had classmates with pretty well-off parents who all got moved to public schools after divorce so I guess it’s not that simple to provide for education in divorce documents.
I won’t be able to foot the bill for 50% of my son’s tuition if the division of assets ends up totally unfair just because my husband has more money for lawyers. and I would have to build everything anew while being well after 40 yo.

It’s not me who started it or moved to the basement - “unloading” wives and kids prior to sale of a company is a very common practice among entrepreneurs from what I gathered from attorney I spoke to. It is a harsh reality of American life that I discovered 15 years after...

If you are both from the former USSR, then surely you know that most men who built fortunes in the new Russia have offloaded their wives #1 and moved on to new models and kids with them by now. It's not just an American thing. It's an "update" mentality - I have more money now, I deserve an update. It's rare to find a man in the Forbes Russia list who's still married to his college sweetheart. OK, maybe Mr Gazprom still is. Kudos for that.

He's not that wealthy (maybe other woman thinks he is, or he's too egocentric to consider himself a finance super star). In general, yes, you are right, the urge to "upgrade" to wife version 3.0 exists doesn't depend on national origin. This is why I am sick of men in general. No matter who they are, they are very likely to backstab you, once they become more wealthy. Because they are selfish and children, family values mean less to him. They don't even try to work on marriages. The principle "want to be married to a general, you first need to live with a lieutenant for 20 years" never works in real life. Once your mortgages are repaid, life is more or less settled financially, there comes another woman. Always.

[Anonymous]

Once your mortgages are repaid, life is more or less settled financially, there comes another woman. Always.

But most of the time, after breaking the family they don't really become happier. They don't understand that the best days of their life already happen, not until it's too late. Women, on the other side, become wiser, and coupled or not, find inspiration, strength and ultimately happiness, just look around!