Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

[Anonymous]

Married 15 years, my husband is 11 years older. We got married because we were madly in love, he was literally kissing fingers on my feet in bed forgetting his business flights schedule and missing planes....
About 4 years ago he started provoking conflicts out of nothing (could be minor things like me cooking baking for our son and filling the house with baking smell). Constantly poking me, for running water too much, wrinkled rug on the floor, etc.

Then, he would just move to his basement office. First it happened once a year, then he started doing it twice a year. In winter 2019, right after my birthday, again provoked an argument and went to live in the basement for a month. Went for a business trip for 1 month and silently returned to spousal bedroom when he returned. I started taking anti-depressants, and we seemed to live a peaceful year after he came back.Went for summer vacation and for winter skiing together.
However, exactly a year after, he's been living in the basement (since February by now). No sex, no kissing, barely talking to each other some days. Other days he seems like he was before, smiling, taking me and our son for a walk, doing plans to buy a house together etc. But he told me once at the height of an argument that he no longer loved me.

He is 55, and I am starting thinking maybe he's having mental issues. I suspected a mistress, hired a car to track him but couldn't catch with anyone here. He leaves the house every morning, very briefly, as if to make a call. He travels a lot for work, and I recently found that a very attractive lady owns 10% shares in one of his companies in Europe (the lady generally doesn't possess skills like other shareholders/board members).

Is it a mistress across the ocean, mid life crisis or I just "got" on his nerves somehow? I feel like I am fighting with a ghost, so much instability in our lives out of sudden. And the most painful is that my husband is totally the same during the day, we have lunches, talk our son's school, how we spend time etc, and then he coldly says "good night" and goes back to the basement. He says, he gained psychological balance once he moved there and is not ready to come back yet. I am not sure what it all means. He's not talking divorce at all (millions worth of assets to split, maybe that's the reason), taking a good care of the family financially.

We were such a wonderful family, always together, adorable son, traveling, many friends, entertaining at the house. Now it's like someone had died at hom....
I can't stop going through out trips photos over these years, and I just don't know why he destroyed 15 years of our marriage like that.

Did anyone have a similar situation? Is it really the end of the marriage? Can it be saved at all?

[Anonymous]

It really sounds like he met someone. See if he would go to counseling or is open to making the relationship better.

[Anonymous]

Hands down he has a mistress. You know this.

What you’re not understanding is that the same part of his personality that made his 40 year old self pursue a 25 year old with delirious passion early on in the relationship is exactly the same part of him that makes him more inclined to have an affair. He loved feeling that way and he misses it, and you can’t provide that kind of thrill at this point, no matter how good your life was. And it’s the same part of his personality that makes him so ambitious professionally, and just generally wired to want excitement and the next best thing.

You’re right. He doesn’t want to split all those assets as he’s nearing retirement. Maybe his mistress is married and so they can’t be together anyway. Whatever it is, this is his way of having his cake and eating it, too.

[Anonymous]

3:21 here. Sorry. I’m seeing 11 years apart now. Either way, you get what I’m saying.

[Anonymous]

Don't care what drives him. I would not live this way. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Likely has met someone.

Weird that he leaves every morning to make a call....??!

Once things are back or close to normal again, I would give him the option of marital therapy or moving out.

Permanently.

[Anonymous]

Who does his call EVERY morning? There’s your answer.

[Anonymous]

Voice activated recorder in his car and the basement

[Anonymous]

He’s having an affair. Lawyer up and file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Don’t you snoop? Why haven’t you gone down in his Office to see what he’s doing. He’s most likely Skyping with the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who does his call EVERY morning? There’s your answer.

Think about the time difference—he’s definitely calling his mister abroad. First thing in the morning would be afternoon in Europe.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That is an incredibly painful situation. Now it's time to focus on your response. You can't change him. Sounds like his behavior is inconsistent anyway.

Make copies of all financial information. Be fully informed on accounts, balances, etc... And yes it's time to talk to a lawyer. And get ready to take action. You don't need to do this during the pandemic, but be ready. It could take awhile.

Now focus on your mental health and physical health. Take care of you.

Life will get better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't plan to file for a divorce. I am trying to understand if there is a way to save our marriage. For many reasons 1. because I still love him and cannot throw out 15 years of life together like that for the goal of splitting the assets. 2. Our son enters high school this year, applies for college in 2 years. He goes to private school, wants to be successful in life and get into a good college. At the moment he is in his room, with his desk at our marital home. Somewhat strained relationship with his dad because he lives in the basement. But all in all our son's life didn't change as we remain civilized and don't argue. I cannot initiate a divorce until his college plans are final, college is financed etc. 3. I am work from home mom: we build a small real estate empire during marriage that I manage and generate income. 50/50 partners. Also, my husband has interest in foreign companies being a fund manager. Divorce like that will be expensive and messy. I am not prepared for that as of now. 4. My grand father had a child out of wedlock, but it didn't prevent them reconcile with grandmother and live happily after that until he died. Being from former USSR where there are less eligible men than women, I believe that people can still work on marriage and I do feel that my husband still has feelings to me and is not rushing for a divorce himself. 5. The lady who I suspect is his mistress comes across to me like a beautiful blond corporate bitch. My husband probably sees that none of the comforts of traditional family with wife cooking, being submissive, taking care of him, being tender, forgiving etc. would not be available if he was to marry her. He gave her shares in his company, and I suspect she's waiting to "cash out" when the company is sold, while maintaining an affair with him.

It is a very complex situation, with many variables. I do know that I need to lawyer up of course and be ready just in case he files.

Can someone recommend a good lawyer, a good trust attorney, and a brand for the voice recorder for his car? I don't think my husband is seeing someone in the US, the mistress is likely overseas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Don’t you snoop? Why haven’t you gone down in his Office to see what he’s doing. He’s most likely Skyping with the other woman.

Yes I tried it seems just business calls in the basement.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't plan to file for a divorce. I am trying to understand if there is a way to save our marriage. For many reasons 1. because I still love him and cannot throw out 15 years of life together like that for the goal of splitting the assets.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds so devastating and complicated. Your thoughts and feelings are understandable. But please know that this man checked out from your romance and emotional part of marriage and chances are that this is forever. Yes, men often come back, after they destroy everything, get old and sick and have zero chances to get a quality partner elsewhere.

You are not planning to divorce, since you still have feelings, but can you imagine living loveless in this cold atmosphere for the next 20+ years, day after day, just with him, since your son would be out? This long distance relationship will probably not work in the end, but regardless, it won't be his last affair. This is his drug now and maybe it always was, as somebody said above.

This is why you have to be prepared. He will drain you and one of you will escalate this situation. Just be ready, work on your mental strength. Because it can be even worse than this: losing your marriage and all your assets, while getting older, being left with literally nothing.