Lives separate life but not asking for a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.

Although you want to be done ASAP with the divorce, it's also worth it to fight for your fair share of holdings. Keep in mind that in the short term, you want to be done ASAP but financial impact can be a long term situation. Think through the pro's and con's of going after your fair share and them make a decision. Get the best for yourself and your son and keep in mind that fighting for your fair share is also good for your son in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

he has aspergers too, just like your son. He’s probably a total idiot outside of his office work. I’m surprised he asked about the yard, does he really care about that stuff?

He is a very difficult person to leave with. He is really into designing his backyard, constantly improving it, it gives him sense of peace. He was married once before meeting me, his first wife was American. She left him after 5 years of marriage. He always complained how self-centered she was, not able to take care of the house, do her own laundry, only caring about her career, partying with girlfriends etc.
I am just the opposite - self-sacrificing, taking a good care of him, yet he sold me for his bright financial future with his mistress in Europe. His mistress will be his THIRD wife?? Isn't it crazy?

A man taking a third wife is no crazier than a woman who becomes a second wife and believes she will be the last wife.

[Anonymous]

You speak a lot about money. Do you really think that your husband will refuse to pay half of private school tuition and college tuition? It sounds like you and your husband have enough to pay 35-40k a year for the next 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You speak a lot about money. Do you really think that your husband will refuse to pay half of private school tuition and college tuition? It sounds like you and your husband have enough to pay 35-40k a year for the next 8 years.

I don’t know what he would do. He has a rich friend who was a director of a large bank and chose not to finance his sons’ college education after taking a second, much younger wife. They took full custody of the boys and she always brags how well she brought them up. But our of 3, only one made a professional career, second son was in a prison, a third one became a handyman. My son had classmates with pretty well-off parents who all got moved to public schools after divorce so I guess it’s not that simple to provide for education in divorce documents.
I won’t be able to foot the bill for 50% of my son’s tuition if the division of assets ends up totally unfair just because my husband has more money for lawyers. and I would have to build everything anew while being well after 40 yo.

It’s not me who started it or moved to the basement - “unloading” wives and kids prior to sale of a company is a very common practice among entrepreneurs from what I gathered from attorney I spoke to. It is a harsh reality of American life that I discovered 15 years after...

[Anonymous]

Every marriage after the first has an even greater chance of divorce.

First marriages 50% chance, second 65-75% chance and so on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

he has aspergers too, just like your son. He’s probably a total idiot outside of his office work. I’m surprised he asked about the yard, does he really care about that stuff?

He is a very difficult person to leave with. He is really into designing his backyard, constantly improving it, it gives him sense of peace. He was married once before meeting me, his first wife was American. She left him after 5 years of marriage. He always complained how self-centered she was, not able to take care of the house, do her own laundry, only caring about her career, partying with girlfriends etc.
I am just the opposite - self-sacrificing, taking a good care of him, yet he sold me for his bright financial future with his mistress in Europe. His mistress will be his THIRD wife?? Isn't it crazy?

A man taking a third wife is no crazier than a woman who becomes a second wife and believes she will be the last wife.

Knowing how hard it is to live with my husband, and how much tolerance, patience it took me to stay together for so long, I only feel amazement with his bravery taking a 3rd one. In the end, it could be blessing in disguise for me, as it would be a huge burden off my shoulders and she would have to take care of him when he’s 70.
I am certainly done with marriages and don’t even want to have a boyfriend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage after the first has an even greater chance of divorce.

First marriages 50% chance, second 65-75% chance and so on...

First wife left him after 5 years together for another man. No kids. We are together since 2003, and my son is my best reward from this marriage. Despite the spoilt last year, I feel like we were in love together for a long time, and it was a successful marriage. I am ready to close my “romantic diary” with my only husband.

[Anonymous]

I just hope that my husband doesn’t abandon his son by moving abroad to his mistress while my son is finishing high school. Our son needs dad now more than ever: he has difficult teens. He was perfect in terms of behavior until age 12, but now I cannot make him do things that my husband can. Strong willed boys are hard to grow up alone. My husband has PhD, but they never got to spend time together because he was away on business of avoided communication with son because of autistic traits that he had trouble accepting. Now on quarantine they read together German philosophers preparing for school debates, teaches him to write well, tells him a lot about business. I am a “sports, health, math and science” mom. We really have great distribution of parenting duties, when husband is here in the US. But when he travels I feel like I am a single mom trying to get things under control, alone in a huge house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage after the first has an even greater chance of divorce.

First marriages 50% chance, second 65-75% chance and so on...

When there are no joint children in second and third marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage after the first has an even greater chance of divorce.

First marriages 50% chance, second 65-75% chance and so on...

First wife left him after 5 years together for another man. No kids. We are together since 2003, and my son is my best reward from this marriage. Despite the spoilt last year, I feel like we were in love together for a long time, and it was a successful marriage. I am ready to close my “romantic diary” with my only husband.

Is that you, melania?

[Anonymous]

OP, look forwards, not backwards. Everything you did for the marriage is a sunk cost and you can't get that back or make history more fair. You can't make your husband commit to the marriage again.

What solution do you want that's within your control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

Money, OP. Money. Women are starving for money. Just read half the threads around here and see how women act in this area - it is all about the money. She either knows he has a lot, or thinks he has more than he does.

he has aspergers too, just like your son. He’s probably a total idiot outside of his office work. I’m surprised he asked about the yard, does he really care about that stuff?

He is a very difficult person to leave with. He is really into designing his backyard, constantly improving it, it gives him sense of peace. He was married once before meeting me, his first wife was American. She left him after 5 years of marriage. He always complained how self-centered she was, not able to take care of the house, do her own laundry, only caring about her career, partying with girlfriends etc.
I am just the opposite - self-sacrificing, taking a good care of him, yet he sold me for his bright financial future with his mistress in Europe. His mistress will be his THIRD wife?? Isn't it crazy?

Surely now you're getting a glimpse of why his first wife really left? Stop thinking if you just do ABC or XYZ then he'll see what a great wife you are and fall back in love with you. He's manipulating you and has you spinning on a hampster wheel desperately trying to get to a place you'll never get to.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP; all sounds pretty horrible.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you can support yourself anyway? Is it the lifestyle that you don't want to lose? I'm guessing you've got nice stuff, real estate, etc.
I could not live like that, personally. I'd live in my car before putting up with this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, look forwards, not backwards. Everything you did for the marriage is a sunk cost and you can't get that back or make history more fair. You can't make your husband commit to the marriage again.

What solution do you want that's within your control?

For now, I am not even able to plan or think about a long term solution. I am thinking in terms of small steps I can take now that would make exit less painful for my son (who can’t live in a car like some people suggested here).
I wrote to do list of small and bigger things and began executing just to be busy with something. Over the weekend, I ordered 2 voice recording pens (one for his car one for basement office) so I could have first hand info when he talks to his lawyer and be prepared. Found a cheaper but very good language tutor for my son. Raised a question of moving him into another private school which has a strong sports team (so I wouldn’t need to drive errands if I happen to go back to office job). Husband didn’t mind starting the application. Unlocked husbands IPad by guessing (that was easy). Didn’t get a chance to review files and messages closer but once he’s out jogging I will be right back on it. Brought my books upstairs to resume work on a professional license I wanted to get back in 2012. We have joint assets that bring good income, but I don’t know if he would be able to block that income from being used on lawyers if divorce happens. This means I need to have a small but independent job now. I saved around $50k over the last year when it all started on a secret account, but given my husbands financial strength it’s incomparable how much he could spend on lawyers. The longer I am able to save secretly delaying divorce, the better is my own account.

Because thinking long term is just way too hard, for now I am living executing similar small tasks day by day and following the current.