SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

OP what do weekends look like? You’ve probably had at least 2 weekends since being home. Does he pitch in? Is he actually working on weekends too? Do you get to leave him with all three kids so you can go watch some tv or relax in your room alone? Can he do lunch and/or dinner and feed all the kids? I’m really curious about the weekend dynamic during this pandemic when you can’t leave the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to pack a sack lunch in the morning and bring it up to his home office. He fed himself Lunch in his real office right? Or did you drive it over to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

You must not work. Switching to remote working can make jobs a lot more difficult. I agree that OP should stop bringing him lunch but I think it’s unfair to assume that her DH’s job has also not gotten considerably harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband can put himself on mute and come get his own food. It’s ridiculous that you are bringing him his meals.

+1. My DH works a full day at home and makes his own breakfast and lunch. At the end of the day, he shuts off his computer and cares for our nonverbal autistic child for the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

You must not work. Switching to remote working can make jobs a lot more difficult. I agree that OP should stop bringing him lunch but I think it’s unfair to assume that her DH’s job has also not gotten considerably harder.

Actually I work as the breadwinner and am teleworking with kids in the home. He makes only $110k/year for a 50 hour per week office job. It's highly unlikely that he needs to be cranking for 10 hours per day with zero time for breaks and cannot even stop for lunch. He might have a few back to back conference calls, but come on. This guy is not some high powered lawyer or C suite individual. And EVEN IF his job is now harder, he still is saving on commuting time both ways, which means he needs to step up. We all know what is going on here. I work a FT telework schedule with kids in the home and my DH is active duty military and reporting for work each day. My DH comes home and makes dinner for us. There is no way this guy is SO busy or SO important that he cannot shift some of the load off his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

You must not work. Switching to remote working can make jobs a lot more difficult. I agree that OP should stop bringing him lunch but I think it’s unfair to assume that her DH’s job has also not gotten considerably harder.

I’m not the pp, but I do work. My work has actually gotten much easier since I started teleworking. There was an initial learning curve, but now that that’s done, it’s easier. A lot of meetings have been delayed or abbreviated because. As someone said, there is no chit chat in the hallway, no commute, no walking from one location to another, and basically none of the “fat” that tends to happen in day to day work.

What are you doing that has made your job a lot more difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to quit my teaching job a few years ago due to the needs of one of our children. I am a huge introvert, and being ‘on’ for our 3 young boys all day is getting to me. I read about other working parents being flexible... but my DH sequesters himself in our room working from 8:30-6. He overheard me complaining to one of my friends and got pissed. Is it really so awful that I would like to see another adult during the day? He doesn’t come down for lunch or dinner. And by the time he does, I’m starting baths and then bedtime routines. Our oldest has been going to bed around 8:30... and by then I am just done. Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed with literally zero time to even think my own thoughts.

OP, what do you do in the summer? Or for school holidays? I assume your husband isn't off all that time. So you are taking care of all three of your kids alone, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

You must not work. Switching to remote working can make jobs a lot more difficult. I agree that OP should stop bringing him lunch but I think it’s unfair to assume that her DH’s job has also not gotten considerably harder.

Actually I work as the breadwinner and am teleworking with kids in the home. He makes only $110k/year for a 50 hour per week office job. It's highly unlikely that he needs to be cranking for 10 hours per day with zero time for breaks and cannot even stop for lunch. He might have a few back to back conference calls, but come on. This guy is not some high powered lawyer or C suite individual. And EVEN IF his job is now harder, he still is saving on commuting time both ways, which means he needs to step up. We all know what is going on here. I work a FT telework schedule with kids in the home and my DH is active duty military and reporting for work each day. My DH comes home and makes dinner for us. There is no way this guy is SO busy or SO important that he cannot shift some of the load off his wife.

Actually people making $110k often have less flexibility then C-suite. I know since we started telework I need to report my start and end time, submit a daily report of my tasks and accomplishments per hour, and they are monitoring the chat ‘active’ light on our Slack client.

Even places like patent office have strict hours and quotas despite being remote only.

Maybe in the office he can walk around and chat under the guise of work, but many managers don’t like telework so micromanage.

Maybe if OP tells us his role and industry we can evaluate how he can free up time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband can put himself on mute and come get his own food. It’s ridiculous that you are bringing him his meals.

+1. My DH works a full day at home and makes his own breakfast and lunch. At the end of the day, he shuts off his computer and cares for our nonverbal autistic child for the evening.

I do agree Op should not be feeding him. That is beyond the pale. He can eat crackers and cheese or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to quit my teaching job a few years ago due to the needs of one of our children. I am a huge introvert, and being ‘on’ for our 3 young boys all day is getting to me. I read about other working parents being flexible... but my DH sequesters himself in our room working from 8:30-6. He overheard me complaining to one of my friends and got pissed. Is it really so awful that I would like to see another adult during the day? He doesn’t come down for lunch or dinner. And by the time he does, I’m starting baths and then bedtime routines. Our oldest has been going to bed around 8:30... and by then I am just done. Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed with literally zero time to even think my own thoughts.

OP, what do you do in the summer? Or for school holidays? I assume your husband isn't off all that time. So you are taking care of all three of your kids alone, yes?

She probably enjoys a lot of time in her home or at a pool or perhaps she goes to a gym. Of course, her husband would be at work all day so she wouldn’t have to make his lunch or ensure complete silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

This absolutely.

You think the breadwinner is not in the office surfing the internet, checking email, etc? He is. All while getting meals brought up to him! Parenting in these circumstances is hard as it is. Parenting with a non-verbal, autistic child on top of that? OP I feel for you. The dynamics here are not good. You are allowed to complain and vent to friends. You are allowed to have your feelings. You should never be made to feel bad about that. He may be earning income, but you are also working. While his job just got easier due to no morning commute, no afternoon commute, and no having to dress for work, you job just got harder by an order of magnitude. If he's saving on commuting time, he needs to contribute. Maybe he can make breakfast, lunches ahead, or set up an activity before he starts working. It cannot just be "oh well your job just got a million times harder, too bad so sad, see you at 6:30". That's not what partners do. Add to that your special needs child - that is a huge factor and cannot just fall on mom. I would try to have an honest conversation with him and discuss what things you could offload to him. Stop bringing him lunch, start standing up for yourself, and tune out the a**holes on this thread.

You must not work. Switching to remote working can make jobs a lot more difficult. I agree that OP should stop bringing him lunch but I think it’s unfair to assume that her DH’s job has also not gotten considerably harder.

Actually I work as the breadwinner and am teleworking with kids in the home. He makes only $110k/year for a 50 hour per week office job. It's highly unlikely that he needs to be cranking for 10 hours per day with zero time for breaks and cannot even stop for lunch. He might have a few back to back conference calls, but come on. This guy is not some high powered lawyer or C suite individual. And EVEN IF his job is now harder, he still is saving on commuting time both ways, which means he needs to step up. We all know what is going on here. I work a FT telework schedule with kids in the home and my DH is active duty military and reporting for work each day. My DH comes home and makes dinner for us. There is no way this guy is SO busy or SO important that he cannot shift some of the load off his wife.

Actually people making $110k often have less flexibility then C-suite. I know since we started telework I need to report my start and end time, submit a daily report of my tasks and accomplishments per hour, and they are monitoring the chat ‘active’ light on our Slack client.

Even places like patent office have strict hours and quotas despite being remote only.

Maybe in the office he can walk around and chat under the guise of work, but many managers don’t like telework so micromanage.

Maybe if OP tells us his role and industry we can evaluate how he can free up time?

I don't disagree that is actual working hours might less flexible, but no way he needs to be green from 8:30-6:30.

[Anonymous]

Um, he needs to start coming down at 6 PM to give you a break by doing bath and bedtime routine. You must have the patience of a saint, I would have already thrown a fit of epic proportions. Why are you expected to work all day - because taking care of kids even without special needs is hard work - and he gets to put in his hours and then rest?

- Not a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??