SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??

Software sales. Most of his day is conference calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??

Software sales. Most of his day is conference calls.

Haven't read the other posts but absolutley your DH can give you more help. A 15 minute or half hour mental break a couple of times a day and help with dinner a few times a week. Something! My DH also remote works and some days he is stressed/swamped but usually he has a lot of flexibilty to help around the house/kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So if he normally teleworks, do you normally make his lunch and bring it to him?

Also, what time do you wake up? He doesn't start until 8:30! I got a ton done this morning before that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??

Software sales. Most of his day is conference calls.

Haven't read the other posts but absolutley your DH can give you more help. A 15 minute or half hour mental break a couple of times a day and help with dinner a few times a week. Something! My DH also remote works and some days he is stressed/swamped but usually he has a lot of flexibilty to help around the house/kids.

Why do you think he can just take a break now? I’m sure sales are incredibly hard right now, and if really has managed to schedule sequential conference calls he should be prepping for them not playing tag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank you for that! I needed a good laugh this morning.

Anyone who thinks a wife who stays at home is contributing financially more than a husband who works because she cleans the house, takes care of the kids, and cooks is hysterical.

I am not saying those things are worthless, because they are not. But let's say you pay a nanny $75K a year (which most people would never do anyway, I'm just going to the high end). Then you pay maids $15,000 a year to clean. And you pay a chef, I don't know what chefs cost, $10,000 a year to cook? So that's $100,000 worth of services you are not paying for. That's a lot! But how many men whose wives stay home earn less than that?

I get you are not familiar with chef salaries but you get that a full time employee anywhere in the US cannot live on $10,000 a year right? This "estimate" is absurd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank you for that! I needed a good laugh this morning.

Anyone who thinks a wife who stays at home is contributing financially more than a husband who works because she cleans the house, takes care of the kids, and cooks is hysterical.

I am not saying those things are worthless, because they are not. But let's say you pay a nanny $75K a year (which most people would never do anyway, I'm just going to the high end). Then you pay maids $15,000 a year to clean. And you pay a chef, I don't know what chefs cost, $10,000 a year to cook? So that's $100,000 worth of services you are not paying for. That's a lot! But how many men whose wives stay home earn less than that?

I get you are not familiar with chef salaries but you get that a full time employee anywhere in the US cannot live on $10,000 a year right? This "estimate" is absurd!

I thought that was a fine estimate for a personal chef since they likely aren't full time anywhere and are serving 5 or 6 clients in the same capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank you for that! I needed a good laugh this morning.

Anyone who thinks a wife who stays at home is contributing financially more than a husband who works because she cleans the house, takes care of the kids, and cooks is hysterical.

I am not saying those things are worthless, because they are not. But let's say you pay a nanny $75K a year (which most people would never do anyway, I'm just going to the high end). Then you pay maids $15,000 a year to clean. And you pay a chef, I don't know what chefs cost, $10,000 a year to cook? So that's $100,000 worth of services you are not paying for. That's a lot! But how many men whose wives stay home earn less than that?

I get you are not familiar with chef salaries but you get that a full time employee anywhere in the US cannot live on $10,000 a year right? This "estimate" is absurd!

I thought that was a fine estimate for a personal chef since they likely aren't full time anywhere and are serving 5 or 6 clients in the same capacity.

Thanks, immediate PP.

Prior PP, I didn't mean a live-in chef. I also didn't mean a live-in maid. I meant chefs and maids who provide weekly service. Or, I'm sorry, are you a SAHM who cleans her whole house top to bottom every day? In that case I'll revise my estimates.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear that. This sucks for everyone. My husband and I are both working from home and had to have a few serious conversations about how to make this sustainable. He has severe ADHD and can not multi-task. He can't help the 5 year old with her work while on a conference call or type an email while watching the 18 month old play. That means he either "logs off" to help me and then has to make those hours up or I do the kids and work at the same time. It is draining and not seeing or talking to another adult is hard.

We are not a tv family but the older one gets 1 hour of videos and sometimes the 18 month old gets to watch a zoo cam of animals while I have a call or need to focus for 10 min. Desperate times. I feel like there are two issues - 1. not getting any adult time and 2. not getting time away from kids.

To solve the first, call a friend who is understanding if you have to drop the call and talk for 10 min. Call your sister at 7am every day and talk while you get ready.

To solve the second, find time to talk to your husband. Can you eat a little later so he can help with dinner prep? Can he get up 20 min earlier so he can do breakfast? Is there a way to do videos for the kids at the same time so you can breathe? Can you do some trial runs of backyard time on the weekend to see if it is manageable?

But honestly this comes down to having a conversation. You are both working at capacity and this is hard for everyone. Being honest with each other about it will be the only way to make it work. He may not be able to help from 8:30 - 6, but there has to be something he can pick up to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else just think the OP is one of these DCUM women who want a unicorn husband who makes six figures and is a mind reader and emotional caretaker for them and their children? Get your priorities straight! The guy is working. He probably doesn't enjoy childcare and that is why he's opted to be the breadwinner. He isn't shirking his duties. He's at home WORKING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, he needs to start coming down at 6 PM to give you a break by doing bath and bedtime routine. You must have the patience of a saint, I would have already thrown a fit of epic proportions. Why are you expected to work all day - because taking care of kids even without special needs is hard work - and he gets to put in his hours and then rest?

- Not a SAHM.

Uh, she chose to stay home and take care of kids all day. How has that changed? If they're school age she's had even more of a long-term break. Gross and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made this bed.

Yup. Guess what - you could BOTH be working and managing the kids. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else just think the OP is one of these DCUM women who want a unicorn husband who makes six figures and is a mind reader and emotional caretaker for them and their children? Get your priorities straight! The guy is working. He probably doesn't enjoy childcare and that is why he's opted to be the breadwinner. He isn't shirking his duties. He's at home WORKING.

No asshat.

She has a severely disabled child who if in school would have a 2:1 or 3:1 teacher ratio. The op has 2 other kids and is heroic.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?