SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking after your own children is hard work because as a mom you pour your heart and soul in it. The quality of care and love a mom provides will certainly be higher than what a low-wage childcare provider is providing.

I think you should brace for this to go for another 2 months and concentrate only on the kids. The rest of the household chores are not going anywhere. They will still remain when the pandemic is over

Your PRECIOUS. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know you’re stressed... but this is coming across as SAHM doesn’t like doing the “mom” part.

I don't get that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.

In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.

How is this possible, do you not even engage in small talk with your coworkers while waiting for meetings to start or something? What industry is this?

Engineering. We are all introverts and focused on work; that’s all we talk about. Very few breaks b/c we are ramping up to a product launch, so easily 60 hr work weeks. Generally we work on programming or emails waiting for meetings to start, don’t you have a laptop and smartphone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

This kinda of dad doesn’t care if he has kids; if OP hadn’t wanted (3!) he would have been fine. There saved most of the cost right there. He wants a wife for sex and maybe companionship, the other stuff like a well cleaned and styled house and fancy meals are not a priority. I’m sure he would be fine with take out and microwave meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nobody who works 8:30-6:30 without some break. I guarantee he’s reading cnn or scrolling through fb, or closing his eyes to get a rest here and there.

You need 30 minutes to yourself mid day or you. Will. Break. Don’t let it get to that point. If he loves you he will help you.

Many many jobs don’t let you start early and end early, especially ones with tons of meetings like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

It's not your business whether other women choose to stay at home.

I never said it was, so you may want to have that chip on your shoulder looked at. I said THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS MANY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER AGREE TO STAY AT HOME. This board is FILLED with women complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, other people think they're worthless, their in-laws devalue them, take your pick. I couldn't care less whether or not someone chooses to stay at home. But women who do so when they have husbands who take advantage of them should think it through better. And if it starts to happen they should make a change, since you'll say "I had no idea he would be like that because before kids I had no clue." Stand up for yourself and do what's right for you and your family, but stop being a doormat.

This board is also full of working moms complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, they are working a “second shift,” jobs are inflexible, they are struggling with childcare, take your pick.

There is no perfect answer. I don’t see how OP’s situation would be better if she was working. She probably still would have been using school primarily for childcare for her oldest, that would still be gone, her husband would still have the same hours at his job, and she would still have the younger kids at home. If she was trying to work on top of this, she would probably be losing her mind and ready to divorce.

So? I'd say the same thing to those women - quit your job or make your husband step up. Having a husband who expects you to do all the child and house work is one of the reasons many women should not work. See? It works both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.

In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.

How is this possible, do you not even engage in small talk with your coworkers while waiting for meetings to start or something? What industry is this?

Engineering. We are all introverts and focused on work; that’s all we talk about. Very few breaks b/c we are ramping up to a product launch, so easily 60 hr work weeks. Generally we work on programming or emails waiting for meetings to start, don’t you have a laptop and smartphone?

My husband is an engineer and he knows when his co-worker's son was in the hospital. Or when another co-worker's dog died. Because in addition to being an engineer, and an introvert, he's also a human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.

In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.

How is this possible, do you not even engage in small talk with your coworkers while waiting for meetings to start or something? What industry is this?

Engineering. We are all introverts and focused on work; that’s all we talk about. Very few breaks b/c we are ramping up to a product launch, so easily 60 hr work weeks. Generally we work on programming or emails waiting for meetings to start, don’t you have a laptop and smartphone?

My husband is an engineer and he knows when his co-worker's son was in the hospital. Or when another co-worker's dog died. Because in addition to being an engineer, and an introvert, he's also a human being.

I assume he worked at a DOD contractor or other 9-5 type firm, those are way more lifestyle focused. Most of my colleagues don’t have kids judging from their hours, but we don’t talk about it. Just the culture, very work focused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.

In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.

How is this possible, do you not even engage in small talk with your coworkers while waiting for meetings to start or something? What industry is this?

Engineering. We are all introverts and focused on work; that’s all we talk about. Very few breaks b/c we are ramping up to a product launch, so easily 60 hr work weeks. Generally we work on programming or emails waiting for meetings to start, don’t you have a laptop and smartphone?

I’m the first pp. I think you are being a little obtuse here. Surely, if you have worked with someone for years, you know if they went on their honeymoon, had a maternity or paternity leave, went through a divorce, etc. And right now you know that most people are teleworking. So surely, even if he doesn’t talk about it, people know that he took three paternity leaves close together and that he is working from home right now. They can probably hear kids in the background at meetings.

This level of dedication, slogging through every single meeting, never taking a break, is impressive to no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

It's not your business whether other women choose to stay at home.

I never said it was, so you may want to have that chip on your shoulder looked at. I said THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS MANY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER AGREE TO STAY AT HOME. This board is FILLED with women complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, other people think they're worthless, their in-laws devalue them, take your pick. I couldn't care less whether or not someone chooses to stay at home. But women who do so when they have husbands who take advantage of them should think it through better. And if it starts to happen they should make a change, since you'll say "I had no idea he would be like that because before kids I had no clue." Stand up for yourself and do what's right for you and your family, but stop being a doormat.

This board is also full of working moms complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, they are working a “second shift,” jobs are inflexible, they are struggling with childcare, take your pick.

There is no perfect answer. I don’t see how OP’s situation would be better if she was working. She probably still would have been using school primarily for childcare for her oldest, that would still be gone, her husband would still have the same hours at his job, and she would still have the younger kids at home. If she was trying to work on top of this, she would probably be losing her mind and ready to divorce.

So? I'd say the same thing to those women - quit your job or make your husband step up. Having a husband who expects you to do all the child and house work is one of the reasons many women should not work. See? It works both ways.

But don’t you think that’s why the OP isn’t working? It sounds to me like she has many more reasons to not work than she does to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

Working parents raise their children. Keeping house, cooking meals and arranging play dates costs less than $35k a year...ask a good nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking after your own children is hard work because as a mom you pour your heart and soul in it. The quality of care and love a mom provides will certainly be higher than what a low-wage childcare provider is providing.

I think you should brace for this to go for another 2 months and concentrate only on the kids. The rest of the household chores are not going anywhere. They will still remain when the pandemic is over

I understand what this post meant...but the "low-wage" part sounded very off-putting as if none of these care providers are providing exceptional value/care and attention. It also implies mom's "hard work" is replaceable/substitutable by a well-paid super nanny...no?

[Anonymous]

I understand your tapped out but some of these suggestions are absurd. Your DH’s work hours seem reasonable and I nearly spit my coffee across the room at the suggestion he take an hour lunch. I am working from home and the demands are even greater than when I went into the office and the logistics are much more difficult. I feel lucky if I get a restroom break. Lunch? That is while I am working. There is not chit chat with colleagues between meetings. So, while you are stressed realize your DH is also stressed and needs to focus on work. Why not suggest he help with bedtime and you can take a break on the weekend trading off with him so he also gets a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nobody who works 8:30-6:30 without some break. I guarantee he’s reading cnn or scrolling through fb, or closing his eyes to get a rest here and there.

You need 30 minutes to yourself mid day or you. Will. Break. Don’t let it get to that point. If he loves you he will help you.

Many many jobs don’t let you start early and end early, especially ones with tons of meetings like OP.

I didn’t say he needs to shift his hours. Can he not take 20 minutes to eat lunch? He’s not in an ER saving lives, he’s working at a computer. There’s no way he has 10 hours of meetings back to back. Especially now that there’s no commute. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that in that room at some point he isn’t taking 5-10 minutes here and there to take a mental break, check personal email, fb, candy crush, whatever it is. If he can’t break away from a 10 hour work day for 20-30 minutes for his wife...he’s mean. I’ve worked in several different industries and not one of them had everyone working solid 8-12 hour days without some breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking after your own children is hard work because as a mom you pour your heart and soul in it. The quality of care and love a mom provides will certainly be higher than what a low-wage childcare provider is providing.

I think you should brace for this to go for another 2 months and concentrate only on the kids. The rest of the household chores are not going anywhere. They will still remain when the pandemic is over

I understand what this post meant...but the "low-wage" part sounded very off-putting as if none of these care providers are providing exceptional value/care and attention. It also implies mom's "hard work" is replaceable/substitutable by a well-paid super nanny...no?

This attitude of only Mom can do it best is ridiculous. What about Grandma? Dad? And yes a loving caregiver. I personally had the same nanny from the age of 2 until I left for college; she definitely loved me as did my parents. I also have a very close relationship with my Mom whom I have fond memories of playing with me, reading to me, buying me my first bra.