SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?

All you rich SAHM married your DH before you left your cushy nonprofit or unionized teaching gig. When you are in a business and at the bottom to midrange of the hierarchy, ie making $110k in sales, you have way less flexibility. My BIL is in sales and his manager wants to see him at his desk with that green light 9-6, expects a report on the number of calls, notes from calls, and work plan for next day. On top of that customers can call you unexpectedly and maybe they will tolerate a child noise in these trying times, but I know at my office there are plenty of people think this is all a bunch of hooey.

I don’t envy her DH, sales is hard and now she wants to make him go against the boiler room rules. What was your career OP, maybe you can be the breadwinner now?

No one is functioning as if it is business as usual. People are understanding about the child noise and the disruption, because every one is getting sick. It is not normal telecommuting. It is telecommuting during pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never answered - do you normally take him lunch given that he always works from home? And does he always have those hours? It sounds like the only thing that's different is that the kids are now home during the day with you. He ought to realize that and step up, but it sounds like some of this behavior you have blessed before this happened.

OP here. It depends. On a ‘normal’ day, I get the school aged kids to school, then take my youngest somewhere for the rest of morning (playdate, library, museum, park, etc). It’s rare that we go back home. Usually, DH gets hungry before we get back and grabs a granola bar & fruit. If he hasn’t eaten when I make lunch, I’ll run him up something. As for hours, he was exercising/showering after I left in the mornings and starting closer to 9:30, but also working longer days when he was traveling. I overheard him telling his dad that his office is being flexible, but I don’t see that. I do think he’s worried about job stability through this as they’ve laid off a couple employees. My vent to my friend was not in a ‘he needs to step it up tone,’ it was purely an ‘I’m overwhelmed being on for so many hours without a break.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP shouldn't have had three kids if she didn't want to end up a SAHM. Judging by her characterization of her husband, I think she wanted them more than he did and that's how she ended up at home. It's obvious he isn't interested in helping her with the kids or the home and it's what she signed up for.

What a stupid, bitter cow you are!

[Anonymous]

Have more sex. You will both feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.

Most of these comments are clearly made by SAHW that haven’t worked in years and never in a desk job. They have zero clue to how the business world. Their only contribution is what they believe happens at their husband’s place of employment - so no first hand knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.

Most of these comments are clearly made by SAHW that haven’t worked in years and never in a desk job. They have zero clue to how the business world. Their only contribution is what they believe happens at their husband’s place of employment - so no first hand knowledge.

I am not one of the pp's, but I don't think this is crazy at all places of work. I have never worked in sales. At my place of work, I frequently have lunch meetings, which means that I have to stop what I am doing at a specific time and go to the meeting for an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP shouldn't have had three kids if she didn't want to end up a SAHM. Judging by her characterization of her husband, I think she wanted them more than he did and that's how she ended up at home. It's obvious he isn't interested in helping her with the kids or the home and it's what she signed up for.

Meow...
One of her kids is special needs and she had to quit her job because of the medical appts and therapies. He is elementary and still has three types of therapies weekly that he was getting before shelter in place.

Reading comp issue here. Either take the time to read the thread or keep your knee jerk judgement under your cap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP shouldn't have had three kids if she didn't want to end up a SAHM. Judging by her characterization of her husband, I think she wanted them more than he did and that's how she ended up at home. It's obvious he isn't interested in helping her with the kids or the home and it's what she signed up for.

There are many people who can't deal well with having a child with special needs. No one plans on having a child with special needs. Assuming she wanted them more than he did is ridiculous. He sounds overwhelmed and she does too. Their situation is very very hard - probably the hardest any of us are facing. No one homeschools a child with non-verbal autism 100% of the time with no therapies, no appts, no breaks. NO ONE. And their family is now thrust in that situation.

[Anonymous]

So much SAHM hatred as per the usual.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that this is extremely hard on you and that your husband is working and that needs to be prioritized, especially given the economy.

The one thing I would put my foot down with your husband about is his unwillingness to bite his tongue when it comes to your complaints with your friends. You are allowed to vent to your friends, and he shouldn't be chastising you about private conversations he overheard. You have to be able to let some of your stress out on those willingness to hear you out and offer you sympathy or you will go crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.

Most of these comments are clearly made by SAHW that haven’t worked in years and never in a desk job. They have zero clue to how the business world. Their only contribution is what they believe happens at their husband’s place of employment - so no first hand knowledge.

I am not one of the pp's, but I don't think this is crazy at all places of work. I have never worked in sales. At my place of work, I frequently have lunch meetings, which means that I have to stop what I am doing at a specific time and go to the meeting for an hour.

Yes, lunch meetings aren’t specific to sales. Most office workers are not taking a hour lunch break where they can step away from the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

Working parents raise their children. Keeping house, cooking meals and arranging play dates costs less than $35k a year...ask a good nanny.

It's a lot more nuanced than that.... ask a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.

Most of these comments are clearly made by SAHW that haven’t worked in years and never in a desk job. They have zero clue to how the business world. Their only contribution is what they believe happens at their husband’s place of employment - so no first hand knowledge.

I am not one of the pp's, but I don't think this is crazy at all places of work. I have never worked in sales. At my place of work, I frequently have lunch meetings, which means that I have to stop what I am doing at a specific time and go to the meeting for an hour.

Yes, lunch meetings aren’t specific to sales. Most office workers are not taking a hour lunch break where they can step away from the office.

Well, as I said, everyone in my office is able to step away for an hour and have a meeting 2-4 times/wk. Perhaps we are not most office workers, but I kind of think we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP shouldn't have had three kids if she didn't want to end up a SAHM. Judging by her characterization of her husband, I think she wanted them more than he did and that's how she ended up at home. It's obvious he isn't interested in helping her with the kids or the home and it's what she signed up for.

There are many people who can't deal well with having a child with special needs. No one plans on having a child with special needs. Assuming she wanted them more than he did is ridiculous. He sounds overwhelmed and she does too. Their situation is very very hard - probably the hardest any of us are facing. No one homeschools a child with non-verbal autism 100% of the time with no therapies, no appts, no breaks. NO ONE. And their family is now thrust in that situation.

+1. This is an unusual situation and honestly, regardless of whether you are a SAHM or WOHM, raising a kid with certain special needs is insanely difficult right now because of the sudden change in ...everything and the fact that a lot of parents have spent years figuring out the blend of schooling, therapies, etc. that at least somewhat works and now that is all taken away.