SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

I made $90k/year before taxes. Plus I paid $300/wk for childcare (for three kids) while I was working.

The rest of it....the childcare I did solo when I wasn’t working, the house stuff, the overnights, etc. If DH wanted to keep the same job and lifestyle, it would have been expensive.

But if you are doing this stuff, you should add it up and add the total to your life insurance as well. Term life insurance is cheap. There is no reason for your family to struggle financially, or for your husband to have to take over all of the chores and childcare if you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.

Most of these comments are clearly made by SAHW that haven’t worked in years and never in a desk job. They have zero clue to how the business world. Their only contribution is what they believe happens at their husband’s place of employment - so no first hand knowledge.

I am not one of the pp's, but I don't think this is crazy at all places of work. I have never worked in sales. At my place of work, I frequently have lunch meetings, which means that I have to stop what I am doing at a specific time and go to the meeting for an hour.

Yes, lunch meetings aren’t specific to sales. Most office workers are not taking a hour lunch break where they can step away from the office.

Well, as I said, everyone in my office is able to step away for an hour and have a meeting 2-4 times/wk. Perhaps we are not most office workers, but I kind of think we are.

Do you work at a non-profit or for the government?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

A good, full-time, legal nanny, plus a maid who does your laundry, plus a chef to cook meals (we're talking about ALL the work SAHMs do), would definitely run you around $90K. But I can't imagine there are many husbands making LESS than $90K whose wives stay home. At least not in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to quit my teaching job a few years ago due to the needs of one of our children. I am a huge introvert, and being ‘on’ for our 3 young boys all day is getting to me. I read about other working parents being flexible... but my DH sequesters himself in our room working from 8:30-6. He overheard me complaining to one of my friends and got pissed. Is it really so awful that I would like to see another adult during the day? He doesn’t come down for lunch or dinner. And by the time he does, I’m starting baths and then bedtime routines. Our oldest has been going to bed around 8:30... and by then I am just done. Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed with literally zero time to even think my own thoughts.

You said you were an introvert do why do you need to see other people,?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

A good, full-time, legal nanny, plus a maid who does your laundry, plus a chef to cook meals (we're talking about ALL the work SAHMs do), would definitely run you around $90K. But I can't imagine there are many husbands making LESS than $90K whose wives stay home. At least not in DC.

The point was childcare, which is the only thing a WOHM can't do full-time that a SAHM can.

SAHM struggles? LOL. SAHM right now = WOHM without the working part. No one pities you.

[Anonymous]

I do! I’ve been there and it’s hard. I work now, but retained my humanity. You’ll make it, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

A good, full-time, legal nanny, plus a maid who does your laundry, plus a chef to cook meals (we're talking about ALL the work SAHMs do), would definitely run you around $90K. But I can't imagine there are many husbands making LESS than $90K whose wives stay home. At least not in DC.

The point was childcare, which is the only thing a WOHM can't do full-time that a SAHM can.

SAHM struggles? LOL. SAHM right now = WOHM without the working part. No one pities you.

I'm actually a WOHM, so I don't think anyone pities me right now? Anyway, my point was with the PP who said that a SAHM contributes more value (if she was paid to do her work) than a husband who works. I called BS and said that even if a SAHM contributed $90K worth of work around the house (did all the childcare, all the cleaning, all the homemade cooking), she wasn't contributing more than her husband, unless he made under $90K, which I said I doubt was the case in DC.

[Anonymous]

Why must OP make everything into a competition? She knows her husband is working. Couldn't she talk to him after he's done with work?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry did no one actually read what OP said--she was a SAHM but she is not typically a FULL-TIME SPECIAL ED TEACHER TO A NON-VERBAL AUTISTIC CHILD! Having volunteered in a center for severely autistic kids I know this is a full-time job, itself. All these things that posters said, like just "put the kids in the backyard to play ball" just don't apply. You have to worry about something setting your child off, you can't just speak to the child and expect him to answer because he is NON-VERBAL. I challenge any and all of you parents to spend ONE DAY in OP's shoes. I had preemie twins and I will tell you one autistic child is ten times harder than managing multiple typically developed children, even infants and toddlers.

Yes, it is hard that DH is home all day, but guess what, all of us are doing this and many employers are understanding--my boss says all the time. It is OK if your kids interrupt your calls, it is ok if you can't do something during lunch time. We understand, it is hard for everyone and we need a new normal.

Work is important but is it more important than our families and children? DH should block an hour a day for lunch and not do calls and another short break in the afternoon. Or start earlier and end earlier. In my office it would be totally acceptable for him to say--I'm sorry, we are now full-time parenting and schooling our kids, including our kid who as special needs. I need to have time to manage this at home. I appreciate that not every workplace is like that but every other family is going through similar pressures. OP is bearing far more.

OP I am sorry I cannot help you in person, but my heart goes out to you. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Praying for you and hoping that you can reach out to DH and find a way to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry did no one actually read what OP said--she was a SAHM but she is not typically a FULL-TIME SPECIAL ED TEACHER TO A NON-VERBAL AUTISTIC CHILD! Having volunteered in a center for severely autistic kids I know this is a full-time job, itself. All these things that posters said, like just "put the kids in the backyard to play ball" just don't apply. You have to worry about something setting your child off, you can't just speak to the child and expect him to answer because he is NON-VERBAL. I challenge any and all of you parents to spend ONE DAY in OP's shoes. I had preemie twins and I will tell you one autistic child is ten times harder than managing multiple typically developed children, even infants and toddlers.

Yes, it is hard that DH is home all day, but guess what, all of us are doing this and many employers are understanding--my boss says all the time. It is OK if your kids interrupt your calls, it is ok if you can't do something during lunch time. We understand, it is hard for everyone and we need a new normal.

Work is important but is it more important than our families and children? DH should block an hour a day for lunch and not do calls and another short break in the afternoon. Or start earlier and end earlier. In my office it would be totally acceptable for him to say--I'm sorry, we are now full-time parenting and schooling our kids, including our kid who as special needs. I need to have time to manage this at home. I appreciate that not every workplace is like that but every other family is going through similar pressures. OP is bearing far more.

OP I am sorry I cannot help you in person, but my heart goes out to you. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Praying for you and hoping that you can reach out to DH and find a way to navigate this.

So well said. I am sorry, too, OP. I wish I could help you.

[Anonymous]

I am assuming that this is a “shelter in place” circumstance and not the way your life functions everyday, even though you are a SAHM. So taking a look at this from that view it sounds like maybe you haven’t talked about how this is supposed to work and shared your input with each other. There may be a panic shift going on as you try to adjust. Here is a place I understand are some good suggestions and may help-. Focus has launched an online streaming platform called Focus@Home and the material will remain free during the COVID-19 pandemic at www.focusonthefamily.com/streaming.
You may need some help in communication to each other ;speaking and listening. You may not realize that DH does not know out how to work the family into his new day? I got a good laugh at the plan sex post, but there may be more truth to this than first appears. Does he realize that his family misses him? Is it possible that the family could be enjoying their day so much that he would wonder what he is missing? Is he a workaholic anyway? Does he have problems prioritizing or organizing his work? I know my DH sometimes has trouble realizing that there are other people in the world and they may need him especially if he is trying to work out new challenges. Here is a number you can call for resources to help-855 382 5433-with any and all of the above. I am praying for you to be able to work thru this and find the best of all that is a part of your life. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to quit my teaching job a few years ago due to the needs of one of our children. I am a huge introvert, and being ‘on’ for our 3 young boys all day is getting to me. I read about other working parents being flexible... but my DH sequesters himself in our room working from 8:30-6. He overheard me complaining to one of my friends and got pissed. Is it really so awful that I would like to see another adult during the day? He doesn’t come down for lunch or dinner. And by the time he does, I’m starting baths and then bedtime routines. Our oldest has been going to bed around 8:30... and by then I am just done. Beyond exhausted and overwhelmed with literally zero time to even think my own thoughts.

You said you were an introvert do why do you need to see other people,?

An introvert does not equal hermit. Introverts do get out and like interactions- just not as many or as long as extraverts do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

OMG THIS IS HYSTERICAL. even more so that you probably believe it.

Why is this hysterical? I’m not the pp, but we ran these numbers when we were buying life insurance. It IS a lot to replace a good SAHM. And it’s all post-tax.

I’m not saying that it’s hundreds of thousands a year, but i was working PT at the time making about $90k/yr, and replacing my labor around the house was definitely more of a consideration than replacing my income.

Unclear what kind of childcare costs $90k/year. All the rest is done by working moms, as well.

A good, full-time, legal nanny, plus a maid who does your laundry, plus a chef to cook meals (we're talking about ALL the work SAHMs do), would definitely run you around $90K. But I can't imagine there are many husbands making LESS than $90K whose wives stay home. At least not in DC.

There are husbands who make less than 90k with SAHMs, even in DC. The wives made so little childcare made it impractical for them to work. Or they move so much their wives can’t hold steady work-lots of military in this area with SAHM spouses.

[Anonymous]

SAHM or WOHM I think we can all feel sympathy (or empathy in some cases) for OP. Parents of SN kids spend years finding the right therapies, education settings etc for their kids—which are impossible to provide at home, since nobody has all those skills and supports— now that’s all gone suddenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?

You sound like a dumb, clueless SAHM. OP is not rich and her DH is not at the top of the food chain getting to make his own schedule. They have three young kids including a very demanding one. OP’s life is infinitely more stressful than cooking coq au vin and sending milk and cookies on a tray.